To stand up now or has it gone too far?

[codenameduchess]

Maybe a bit dramatic, but it's really causing me some issues.

Since DC1 was born my gran and uncle (lives with gran) have been super ott with dc, who is now old enough to tell them to get out of her face but is ignored. At 4 they still baby talk at her, are constantly in her face, I've heard comments like 'I'm only alive because of you, you keep me alive' and 'see this? It's yours when I die because I love you' both of which I find inappropriate to say to a 4 year old. When we visit it's all that kind of thing (without ever listening to her or engaging in an age appropriate way), when it's time to leave they'll follow us to the car and stand so I can't fasten her seatbelt or close the door shouting 'love you, love you, I miss you, I will be sad until you come again because I love you' and then when I do manage to close the door they're banging on the window and chase the car down the street shouting.

They won't call dc by her name ever, even with her constantly correcting them saying 'please don't call me that, my name is xxx.' It's stupid things they'll call her too, 'little bugger' being one of the more irritating!

My parenting is constantly undermined, from criticising me bfing to telling dc1 to ignore mummy.

They've now started on about DC2 who is due soon, including 'oh you're not breastfeeding again? I told you your milks no good' (yes I'm bfing, my milks fine thanks!).
AIBU to enforce a few basic rules now it has it gone too far? Is there anyway to put an end to this without upsetting anyone?

They don't care about upsetting you, so don't worry that they will be upset when you have to challenge them.

It's the only way, that and telling them not to be so insulting and to stop undermining you.

The BF comment was outrageous.

Right. You start putting those boundaries up now. You can change this, you're in charge.

Next time you visit:

'Oh by the way we'll keep out of the way for a while when DC2 is here, as you're so unsupportive about breastfeeding. It really upset me last time so sorry but we'll be keeping a bit more distance this time.' Big smile.

Do you actually get anything positive out of your relationship with them?

So straight on, zero tolerance? I've tried being subtle with them, I always end up with guilt trip of 'I could die soon, why are you upsetting me?' (Same tactic used to get the people she wanted invited to my brothers wedding an invite!).

Do I get anything positive? I've never really thought about it, I don't get much to be fair but they are family and not toxic or abusive. they live near my mum who is amazing and we visit her as often as we can and we're very close to her so other visits just tag on. My family is small, DH has no family at all so we have always maintained the few family ties we have.

The bf comment alone would stop me visiting..

I wouldn't even say anything unless you enjoy arguments, guilt trips, or being made to feel like the bad guy. Simply visit less and when you do visit keep the visits short.

They are toxic, though. Undermining your parenting choices, ignoring your wishes, refusing to use your child's name, holding their eventual death over your head to stop you disobeying them and making weird, guilt trippy comments to your child are all nasty insidious things that will stay in your and your child's head for a long time.

They've been asked to drop it - so they know there's an issue - and they've refused. I'm very much of the mind that families are weird and that there's a certain amount of weirdness you tolerate from your relatives you might not elsewhere, but this is straight up horrible.

love you, love you, I miss you, I will be sad until you come again because I love you' and then when I do manage to close the door they're banging on the window and chase the car down the street shouting

This sounds like something from a horror film

My god, this sounds horrendous! I couldn’t stand it if it were me!
I would cut way back on visits, and do you have to go there? Could you meet at a park or something where DD could run around and get some distance when she wants to? (Ie most of the time!)
And yes, start putting down rules, then if they break them you’ve got valid reasons to cut down even more. You’ve every right to do this, you’re the mother and it’s your place to say how your children are treated by others, if they can’t do it for themselves.

You can do it assertively without being a dick, just say things firmly and politely. “I don’t think we need to talk about when you die DG, what have you been watching on TV lately?”
“She does prefer to be called by her name”
“Don’t tell her to ignore me please, I‘m her mummy and I do things to keep her safe and happy.”
If you get a comment back like “why are you making me upset?” Reply confidently with “because you’re not listening to my rules/calling her by her name/whatever” just repeat the rule.
They’re being way ott and weirdly emotionally manipulative. The problem might well be solved in a few years anyway, DD is likely to refuse to go anywhere near them!

Also what @honeyloops said, 100%!

They sound utterly toxic.

Stop visiting them.

There, fixed it for you.

Seriously though why do you keep putting yourself and DC through this? Would you tolerate this behaviour from a friend? No, so why tolerate it just because they happen to be related to you? Just stop.

You say it’s not toxic but when your daughter is left with the guilt of perhaps great gran died because we hadn’t visited for a while then you will see what she was doing was very toxic. It’s emotional blackmail to keep you visiting and in line. I would speak to them and if that doesn’t work then severely limit contact.

Well if you want to continue a relationship with them then zero tolerance is what it should be. This is not good for a child to make reasonable requests and be unheard of.

'But I Might die soon' answer 'well any one of us could die any minute, please stop planning it'

'Could you stop mentioning death in front of DD'

'DD has asked you to call her by her name'

Every time they don't listen get up and leave and say why.

'We are leaving because you are not listening to DD when she asked you to call her by her real name'

'We are leaving because you are undermining my choice to breastfeed'
'We are leaving because that behaviour is not appropriate in front of a small child'

Bloody hell, teach your child that it is okay and healthy to have boundaries. Grow a backbone

Unheard not unheard of!

Why on earth are you still visiting them?!

When they run behind the car can you teach your child to give the finger through the window and mouth the words “LOSERS” as you both drive off?

They sound odd their rocker, OP.

Does your child enjoy the visits?

I would have to do an emergency stop so they face plant the back window

Your child would be better off without them in her life. They actually ARE toxic!

Dd actually does ask you go visit, she's very happy to go visit anyone- we often visit family/friends and she loves it, and often asks if we're going to grans too. It's another reason we end up going so regularly.

I'm going to go down the firm route next visit. And start laying ground rules for baby's arrival (no hospital visitors, no anti bf talk)