To still be annoyed by this...FIL and driving ban

[carrotcrufts]

I'm feeling quite stressed out at the moment and not sure if I'm BU to still be annoyed by this weeks later or if I should let it go because nothing actually happened.

I'm usually the type to be pissed off quickly and get over it quickly. But I'm really holding a grudge on this one...
DH calls me and tells me that FIL has been on the phone, he has a court date as he's been caught speeding (again) and will likely loose his license which will result in probably losing his job. FIL asked DH if he would say that we depend on him for the school run or hospital appointments for the dc or something. Without that we'd have to quit/cut back on work etc.

Basically he wanted DH to sign a document stating this, which as far as I'm aware is fraud.

DH said a swift and firm no to FIL and said that he was a little shocked and hurt his Dad was asking that of him. He initially thought he was joking! So nothing has happened, DH is not getting involved whatsoever and has made his position very clear to them.

But I'm still raging about it weeks later. He comes round, sits on my sofa drinking his tea like nothing fucking happened. Being nice to the dc forgetting the fact he wanted to risk the roof over their fucking heads (DH would never be able to work in his field again) trying to weasel his way out of being accountable for his reckless behaviour.

FIL has never done a school or nursery drop off anyway. The dc haven't ever been in his car...shock.

So nothing has happened but I'm really angry. I know it bothered DH that he asked, he felt it was very underhand and said FIL was obviously acting out of desperation but it didn't go down well with him that FIL thought DH would even consider risking everything like that. DH is the sort of person to go back to the shop to tell them they've undercharged him ffs so no idea why he thought it was an option!

I feel for you. You would probably feel better if you could confront your FIL yourself, but obviously that’s not a good idea.

Old trick - trying writing if down - your frustration , your anger, etc.don’t send or share it, but it may just get it out of your head.

I’ve had to do that many times , when biting my tongue started to draw blood 🤬

You need to let it go. Yes it was out of order for him to ask, but from your OP it sounds like there was no fall out from your DH saying no.

But I'm still raging about it weeks later

Raging? At that? If your H had agreed to sign it then you’d have been justified in being angry but he didn’t. He told his dad firmly, no.

You’re being a tad dramatic imo now.

Let it go. Nothing happened. Your husband said no. It was accepted.

I thought this was going to be one of those occasions where a huge family rift had been caused, but it hasn't. Move on.

Thanks Curly. I'll give that a go.

I think it was made worse by MIL expecting us to get out a tiny violin for him and it was all woe is me on the last visit. It was all poor FIL.

Had to go for an "emergency" milk run because I was grinding my teeth for all to hear.

People do all sorts of daft things out of desperation. Given that he hasn't tried to change your partner's mind, I really think you need to move on from this.

I was going to say pretty much what NoSauce and Duchess said.

Why are you choosing to carry this anger? The only person that is bothered is you, and it's affecting your life more than your fils or your dhs.

Thanks for the replies, I definitely needed to hear that!

I'm obviously being ott about it and need to forget it.

I usually would see this as a minor annoyance and forget about it by the next day, but it's just really bothered me.

And breatheeeee. Off to google local yoga classes

He comes round ... being nice to the dc forgetting the fact he wanted to risk the roof over their heads (DH would never be able to work in his field again)

I'm confused - why would what happens to your FIL's job risk your DCs' wellbeing, or stop your DH working? Unless you mean he works for his father or something?

Anyway FIL sounds like a self-absorbed tosser, but your DH's (rightly) said no; therefore I'd mentally file it as evidence of what he's capable of but otherwise move on

@Puzzledandpissedoff FIL was asking the OP's husband to lie to a court. If caught, the husband could be prosecuted with all of the implications to family and career that result.

No, I understand. This is a family member. You thought better of them. It's upsetting, and really angry making that even in desperation his dad would have asked something like that of his son.

It would be a long time before I felt netural about FIL again if it were me.

Let it go, the anger is not healthy for you. Now you know 100% what FIL is like - dishonest and untrustworthy (and immature I’d say). Take a step back, you don’t have to like him or trust him but your anger won’t help or change anything. In your shoes I’d be polite but not make any effort. I also wouldn’t hide my true feelings if MIL goes all ‘poor FIL’ again: “well, it’s his own fault” would be my reply.

Your reaction is absolutely the same reaction I would have, and entirely reasonable.

Sometimes people panic, don't think straight and do something stupid. Your DH rightly said no to his father, who doubt wasn't thinking straight at the time. Obviously he accepted the no, hasnt tried to force the issue so just let go of the anger. And yes when MIL says woe is me you say well sorry but its his fault.

Your reaction is absolutely the same reaction I would have, and entirely reasonable

In your opinion. To be raging weeks later enough to start a thread on MN about it is not entirely reasonable and the OP can see that now.

It was shitty of FIL to ask what he did for sure but no harm was done as his son said no.

Your reaction is absolutely the same reaction I would have, and entirely reasonable

Nope, totally OTT and not reasonable at all. So really, don't go about life kicking off about shit and making dramas thinking you are being 'reasonable' because from what you have written, you probably aren't . OP, you have admitted you need to get over this, all this 'rage' and anger is v much unwarranted, your FIL acted out of panic, he accepted your DH's negative reaction, now you need to forgive and move on.

Most importantly, your DH was as shocked as you were and said no.

It's only natural that it must diminish your opinion of your FiL in your eyes, so I understand what you're saying. I would imagine your DH is even more disappointed in him though. Let it go now, and NEVER let him drive you or your family anywhere.

I'm a solicitor. I would be struck off and never be able to work in the legal profession again and would have to serve a prison sentence. For someone to ask that of me would mean they have no idea of who I am or what an awful thing they are asking. It shows very poor judgment and a total lack of integrity on their part. I would not want to be associated with that person.

Thanks again for all your replies.

I definitely feel a lot calmer about it now that I can see it's not worth being angry about.

I think the rage was building because it's just typical FIL if that makes sense and because it wasn't me he asked I couldn't directly confront him about it and for whatever reason I have been unable to put it aside and forget it.

He's just selfish and the tone of which it was asked was quite manipulative imo. Then the breezy visit and wanting sympathy made me extra ragey!

I absolutely understand where you’re coming from. My FIL did something stupid a while ago which caused a big argument between him and my DH/me. He was horrible and nasty during the argument. He finally backed down and apologised, but it’s completely changed the way I see him, and my DH has pulled back from his father a lot since, for his own sanity. Maybe you could do this to get some space?
You know things will go back to neutral eventually, but when you feel hurt or betrayed it takes a good while for that to fade. If they come round regularly can you go out and see a friend or have some urgent errands to do?!
Try not to stew on it, but equally give yourself permission to feel however you feel.

Also CBT techniques for letting things go can work wonders, I’ve found!

Something to remember even if he tries an excuse: he will still have 12 points on his licence and any other points would have him back in court and unable to use the same excuse within two years.

Maybe not to hold onto it for weeks but I would not be surprised if he goes down in your estimation. Anyone who loses their licence through speeding would.

Your FIL can of course plead hardship for himself but it will depend on whether the magistrates find it convincing.

And massive points to your DH for saying a firm ‘no’. Good priorities!

Thanks, @DdraigGoch; I see what you mean about the possibility of the DH being prosecuted now. Silly of me not to have realised really ...