Mum creating drama ahead of son’s first birthday

[Chester1980]

I think I am tired as my boy has a virus and I’ve been up in the night lots in the last week. Anyway, my family has made very little effort to visit me and my son since he was born. I had no help from them. They live far away, and my dad was unwell before his birth, so I completely understand him not coming. I am so upset that my other sibling and mother did not step up for us. It was a complicated birth and recovery. In the end me and DH ended up driving 9 hours with an 8 week old so they could meet him.

Fast forward to trying to arrange for our families to be here for his first birthday and my mum mentioned having to save up to get here and the cost of it. I would like to point out that she frequently spends decent money on things for herself (£50 on a handbag recently for example), she has the money. I lost it to be honest, I said, just don’t come. I really really want my dad here, but she really controls him. It’s their only grandchild and I’m so worried he won’t have much time with his grandad due to his ill health.

A bit more back story. Despite my dads ill health, he still has him running round her. Lifting furniture etc. She’s never worked and expected my dad to pay for everything, despite the fact she has a lot of money in her savings which she does not share with him. She is v manipulative and will gaslight me ALL the time.

Why couldn’t this just be about my son? Why couldn’t she just say, yes we’re excited to come and stay.

I don’t think it sounded cold :). Thank you for taking the time to comment.

You’re right - I’ve got my son to focus on and I don’t want to waste energy on that kind of thing. Aw his emotions develop, I don’t want him to pick up on this kind of tension. She loves the photos I send of him, and sends little gifts in the post, so I don’t think she doesn’t care, more so she makes drama and loves to be the centre of attention. She did the same in the run up to our wedding. Maybe she’s a narcissistic type of mother. I’m not sure. Either way she can be poisonous.

OP I understand how disappointed and frustrated you are.My only advice is for you to do whats right for your little one and yourself .Leave her too it.Sadly I think by the time your little one is old enough or she is willing to be a grandparent it will be too late.Then she will have missed out on all the joy and will only have herself to blame. I understand your father may not be able to travel so well with his illness so forgive him that. Make the day special so you have lovely memories to look back on and focus on that.....Maybe you could do a video of your little one blowing the candles out and send that to your mum....that was she can see wht shes missed too..might make her think a bit

I have been in the exactly the same situation OP with an emotionally cold DM. I learned to 'grey rock' to protect my own MH as she too would drop nasty little comments all the time.
She is now a very old lady who has reaped what she sowed. She is lonely and although I visit and phone regularly, it is just out of a sense of duty. She has no relationship with any of her GC or her GGC and this was her choice.
You cant force someone to be involved if they dont want to be. IIt sounds lke shes almost enjoying making you beg. feel sorry that your DF cant be with you either, perhaps as already mentioned, send a little video of the day. Dont let her know it bothers you. I did and my DM seemed to revel in it, its a form of control.
Build a relationship with your DS that will be different and break the cycle. I told my son every day I loved him, something I have never heard from my mum. Sending you good wishes, its hard.