No birthday present from DH

[BBLibra]

My birthday was 2 weeks ago. My parents and in laws always ask for ideas for gifts, so I make a list, give it to DH and he passes it on. He usually says he doesn’t like to get things off my list as wants to surprise me.

This year, a few days before my birthday he said he’d forgotten to take AL from work that day and now had meetings arranged. I was cross as I’d booked AL and always do for his, but didn’t make a fuss.

The night before my birthday, he admitted that he hadn’t got me anything yet. I told him not to worry, and that we had a whole weekend ahead.

On the day, I woke up to him leaving the house in a rush - he said happy birthday and left. No coffee, breakfast, cards, presents - nothing!

The weekend passed with no gifts etc. Last week I asked him half-heartedly if he was actually planning on getting me anything and he said yes but he hadn’t decided what. I asked if he wanted some suggestions and he said yes.

At the weekend I told him that he’d actually really upset me by both forgetting to take leave on my birthday AND not getting me anything. I said I didn’t want him to spend £, just something thoughtful! We did gonout for dinner on the day but I’d chosen and booked the restaurant and my Dad paid...!

I’ve just told him again now, a fortnight later, that I don’t want anything from him - anything he buys will just be a horrid reminder of this argument. We’ve been together for a long time (10 years) but only married for 1 - does he just not care now? AIUB being upset by all this?

Of course not. He’s been awful.

Is it out of character? Has marriage turned him into a bellend?

He knows you're upset but doesn't care. I'd be wondering what's up.

What did he say when you told him you were upset?

Unless he is very apologetic I would say there is something else going on? Work stress? Are there other problems in your marriage?

It's odd u both book annual leave on each other's bdays but am not a major bday person I suppose. I'd be upset no card but after two weeks I certainly wouldn't be bothered re. present.

I would book myself a weekend away or a day of doing something I wanted (if you can possibly afford it) and announce to him, 'It's my birthday present to me from me. As you didn't bother. Suprise!'

And then I'd fuck off and leave him with the kids, if you have any.

You definitely need to talk. He’s being very unreasonable.
Sorry.

My Ex did that once after we married. Didn't bother with a gift, wrote me an IOU.

He didn't last for the next birthday.

Thank you all. It is very out of character and tonight he has been very apologetic and said he doesn’t want to hurt me - so why do it then?! Our marriage is very good usually, so I really don’t know why this has happened and it’s why I posted on here (not ever posted before) I’m hoping by telling him very clearly tonight that I’m upset, that he’s completely **ed up and that it seems like he doesn’t care at all... That some of it goes in He did say sorry...

I'd be FUMING at his lack of effort - I could forego a present, but no card? No 'easy to pick up at a supermarket' bunch of flowers? That's shit. He's a twat.

I'd actually be really hurt at that too.

YANBU - of course you are upset. It's not the lack of gift, it's the lack of thought and care. I would suggest you talk to him about it but you have done that. Some men do change after marriage and make less effort. Next year give him lots of warning.

What were dh's reasons in your argument?

@mothership4two That’s a really helpful message, thank you. I know he does love me and he’s wonderful in lots of ways - but this has been really rubbish of him! I think you could be right with the less effort post marriage thing... He’s got no reasons whatsoever! That’s what I don’t understand at all!

There’s be no coming back from that for me I’m afraid. It’s not the lack of a gift, as such, but the utter lack of thought, care, effort and consideration for your feelings. Is he having mental health problems, secret money problems or an affair?