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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad about this

18 replies

Freya009 · 29/10/2019 22:24

My father died in November 2016 and left behind his wife (My stepmum). They were deeply in love and true soulmates.
My stepmum and I stayed in close contact and we got together with a man last year who was months out of a 13 year marriage. Despite my initial reservations they seem deeply in love and I am glad stepmum has met someone who she says she wants to be with forever.
With that said, when I was last at her house (They don't live together) I saw some lyrics printed out from a song and they said 'Never wanted to be anyone's wife but yours'. It was dedicated to her new partner. Aibu to feel sad ? It's not that I don't want her to be happy but I feel she is comparing this relatively new relationship with the many years she had with my father. Please don't be too harsh on me. It just got to me a bit.

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PavlovaFaith · 29/10/2019 22:28

YANBU to feel sad about it because you've interpreted it one way. She surely wouldn't mean anything by it towards your DF? It's hard to be someone's spouse after they've lost the love of their life/soul mate. She was probably just expressing to him that he now means everything to her. It seems she had him in her thoughts more than you. Try not to be upset by it. Thanks

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/10/2019 22:28

No YANBU to feel sad Flowers

How did you come to see it? It sounds like something private between them and I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything bad about her marriage to your father.

It’s lovely you still have a close relationship with her, concentrate on that.

Andysbestadventure · 29/10/2019 22:29

She may have realised a new and different type of love. Maybe even a stronger one. She is entitled to. It doesn't mean she didn't love your father.

partysong · 29/10/2019 22:32

I suspect it's likely she meant no one else currently (like no one else alive, not including your dad)!

GroggyLegs · 29/10/2019 22:37

My assumption is the same as partysong - she means in the present moment.

I mean this gently, it would be hard to find a love song with an exception for a previous deceased partner.

YANBU at all to feel sad, but I really don't think it means she didn't love your Dad.

Original poster
Freya009 · 29/10/2019 22:41

I was looking at a magazine and it was under that.
It did hurt, I'm not going to lie. Almost like she loves this new man more and feels the love is stronger.
I admit that if they marry anytime soon like when his divorce comes through, it will be tough. I am only human. I am happy she is happy but it just pulls at me a bit that this relationship already means as much if not more than the marriage to my dad did. I do apologise if I sound childish or horrible.

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Butchyrestingface · 29/10/2019 22:49

I saw some lyrics printed out from a song and they said 'Never wanted to be anyone's wife but yours'.

Well, it’s obviously bollox since she did marry your father. And she hasn’t married this current bloke yet, has she? They’re not even living together yet.

Is she angling for a proposal? I hope she gets one if so, otherwise... awkward. 🥴

Butchyrestingface · 29/10/2019 22:52

I am happy she is happy but it just pulls at me a bit that this relationship already means as much if not more than the marriage to my dad did

YANBU to feel upset, your dad is only dead 3 years and it must feel still quite fresh. But I don’t think she necessarily cherishes this relationship any more than the one with your dad. All song lyrics are schmaltzy shtick.

Itsallpetetong · 29/10/2019 22:53

Have you spoken to her about your feelings about her moving on in general?
I would say that she is telling the new man that she doesn’t want to be with anyone but him now, she is just saying she is faithful to him, please don’t read it as meaning she didn’t love your DF.

Original poster
Freya009 · 29/10/2019 23:01

I think if I am honest, we (me and my sister) were a bit shocked at the fact she got together with someone three months out of a 13 month marriage and declared undenying love almost immediately. Like I say, I did have my reservations but they are very happy.

It is hard seeing them together but I think that is natural. I think if they got married (Which seems likely once his divorce is through) it will be really tough. She only married my dad a year before he died (2015) and it seems like only yesterday.
I just feel she is forgetting him. I and a few of his friends left some tribute posts on facebook and she didn't acknowledge them all which again sounds petty but means he is leaving her heart and mind now her partner is on the scene. I haven't said anything to her about it all. I don't want to be seen as bitter

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Original poster
Freya009 · 29/10/2019 23:02

13 year marriage not months

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Browniegal13 · 29/10/2019 23:03

Ah, that’s really tough. I’m a young widow (6 years) and I am now in a new relationship. When my husband was alive I didn’t want to be married to anyone else, I loved my husband and, I still do love him. I was happy and content. Then, sadly, he died. I’m now with another man, who I love just as much, just in a totally different way. I guess what I’m trying to say is that she probably means absolutely no disrespect to your father at all. Gentle hugs x

Honeyroar · 29/10/2019 23:08

I don’t think it was a comparison- if your father was alive she’d still be his wife. She’s saying it to this new man meaning ‘out of everyone else available’, not out of everyone I’ve ever met..

Butchyrestingface · 29/10/2019 23:13

I mean this gently, it would be hard to find a love song with an exception for a previous deceased partner.

I think @GroggyLegs has it. There won’t be too many song lyrics out there that go Never wanted to be anyone’s wife but yours... and my late husband’s.

As for the not liking FB posts, not everyone does that. People have posted on my late mum’s page and I haven’t acknowledged them. Doesn’t mean I don’t think about her. I think about her every day. Smile

1Morewineplease · 29/10/2019 23:15

Like @Browniegal13 says... it’s a different type of love.
If your father hadn’t passed away, she wouldn’t be looking for someone else. She wants to feel love again.

I know you’re sad about it all but she is entitled to find further romantic happiness.

I am so very sorry for your loss and hope that you may find some comfort in the fact that your father would probably have wanted for her to be able to move on.
I appreciate that it seems so soon to you, but the heart does seem to move in an inexplicable way.
I doubt , for a minute, that she has forgotten your father.
💐

Original poster
Freya009 · 29/10/2019 23:17

Thanks everyone. As you can imagine, it can be hard to get some perspective at times.
I do find it hard seeing her post photos all over Facebook of him and her and of everyone saying how in love they look and how they look amazing together. Yet at the same time, I am pleased she is happy.
I guess I worry they will marry soon and it just feels very soon. I know that sounds selfish. It's hard to explain. I do feel a bit better now. I hope that's what she did mean by the song lyrics rather than it meaning she has never experienced such a strong love before

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Pumpkintopf · 29/10/2019 23:44

Are you sure she printed out the lyrics as a message for her new man as opposed to something she was learning to sing or some other explanation? Seems odd as they aren't even married yet! I think I'd ask her about it, there may be a completely different explanation.

Original poster
Freya009 · 30/10/2019 07:33

I am not 100% but they are always dedicating songs to each other so it seems likely it was.
I am not sure how to ask her about it.

I am sure marriage has been discussed despite him not being divorced yet

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