To not know how to respond

[mightyminty]

Not sure if this is the right place for this, but I’ve just found out that my DB has been diagnosed with cancer that’s untreatable and life limiting.

I just don’t know how to respond! I want to be supportive and positive but don’t want to trivialise the seriousness of it. There is only the 2 of us and I’m devastated but don’t want to make him feel worse either.

How have other people dealt with this?

My DH had a very unexpected diagnosis (just run a marathon).

He went away with his DB for 2 weeks to do something they both enjoy (after diagnosis but before treatment-so slightly different) . I think it brought them closer together.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

All you can really do is be around, help with day to day stuff if need be (I washed a lot of dishes for my mum) and spend time with him. Has the doctor given any sort of time frame at all? Ask if there's anything he would specifically like to do. And, as morbid as it is to think about, make sure insurance documents, wills, funeral arrangements if there are any, papers for shares or anything like that are in order and accessible. We spent weeks going through a filing cabinet of stuff to get all the stuff after my mum died but we went from "going home for recovery" to a hospice within a week so had no time to prepare at all.

for you and your family.

That sounds like a good idea, my DB hasn’t started treatment yet and is in some discomfort, but it would be nice if we could do something like this when he feels up to it ... thank you for the suggestion.

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup He’s been very matter of fact and practical about it all, and is getting his house in order re wills, insurance etc. He’s been given 2 years max. He’s also asked if I will accept POA, which will also be difficult as he is married with a DS with previous partner but has chosen me instead as he feels it could get messy, have agreed to this but already worrying about this too!

I’m not sure you necessarily need to be “positive” about a terminal cancer diagnosis. It’s absolutely ok to be sad.

Asking about practical things you can do to help is a really good thing to do. Also, keeping things normal can be helpful-sometimes it’s easy to plan lots of seemingly lovely set piece events but the pressure for everything to be perfect because it’s the last time can make it really stressful and tense.

I'm sorry to hear about your brother OP.

which will also be difficult as he is married with a DS with previous partner

Yes, that will be extremely difficult and has the potential to cause real hurt, surely?

Is there a backstory? I'd suggest that one of the things you do is talk in depth to your DB about the reasons for this decision and be clear on his exact wishes - the spirit as well as the letter, iyswim.

@fizzygreenwater there is a back story. His current DP and DS from previous relationship do not get on. He thinks I will be easier as I’m impartial ... I love them both. But am worried that it will become difficult, and I’m stressing about the inevitable fallout.

Oh Op, I'm so sad for you and for what your DB is facing. Be kind to yourself too and as others have said, offer practical help where you can. Maybe this will bring his wife and son closer together - is that a possibility or something you / they can work towards?

The POA is very difficult - id want to do it for my brother but would want it all out in the open and for the fallout (if there is any) to happen straight away while your DB is still around and fully competent, rather than you having to struggle to deal with that at the same time as things getting much worse for your DB.

I'm so sorry. It is ok to allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling. And it's ok if that changes a lot and goes back and forth.

For him, I think the most important thing is to be led by him. Do not take away any more control over his life than this diagnosis has already taken away from him. Offer support where he wants it, and help with the things he's doing to feel a bit in control again (e.g. The wills stuff).

Don't try to impose your own vision of how you think he ought to feel or act or spend his time. "Positivity" is helpful to some, but to others feels isolating ( "nobody understands how awful and frightening this feels") or like being given false hope.

For you, my advice would be to have the conversations you've put off or never gotten around to, and the same if there is a musician or place you've always wanted to see together but never quite got around to (not necessarily massive bucket list type stuff, but maybe there's one or two things you'd wanted to do that haven't yet happened)... Tell him you love him. Tell him how much he means to you. Having heartfelt conversations in the early days can be too difficult, especially if you're not used to it, but it becomes easier. Tell him how you feel, don't assume he knows. It is ok to cry together, for him to see you hurting and comfort each other - to be there for each other. Being with each other as you cry can be a way to connect.

There is a balance to be found between trying to find a way to be present in the moment (e.g. Just sitting drinking coffee with him and soaking the moment up rather than worrying about other stuff or mentally planning dinner) and being mindful of not leaving yourself with avoidable regrets in the future (e.g. Wishing you'd told him he inspired you to do xyz). Having both in the months to come will help you cope now and when he's not here anymore.

I don't want to frighten you but please be mindful that "time left" is very far from an exact science. He might be here longer than estimated and I would love that to be the case for you all, but he might be here much less. He also might not be well enough to do some things in a year. So don't put off things that are important to say or do because you're banking on him having two years.

I know it's mentally protective to tell yourself you don't need to face them yet and keep putting them off, but bringing them forward and prioritising them is a way you can feel slightly more in control in the face of this horrible, shitty thing that's happening.

@InvisibleWomenMustBeRead there is no chance that my DN and my SIL will see eye to eye. This is why my DB has taken this step. I’ve agreed to POA but dreading the fallout. Will deal with it for my DB but it will be hard.

Oh, and try not to torment yourself too much about being perfect or using the time you have together perfectly. Even if we had all the time in the world there would still be things we wished we could have said or done. I think it's just part of being human and grieving.

The way I cope with that is to focus on what's most important to me at any given moment in the present (Even if that's just bringing myself back to be present in a simple moment rather than allowing my mind to drift to worries), to be mindful of what my bigger regret will be when making decisions, and to be kind to myself and remind myself that there will always be more we wish we could have said. And to take care of myself when the distress feels overwhelming.

Take any of those things that sound useful to you, if any.

@quincejamplease thank you for this. I’m so confused. I want to be strong for him and give him the help he needs but I’m dreading the fallout. I think I just need to focus and deal with things as they come along.

On the practical side with his son and things being "messy" has he had a chance to seek advice on the creation of a trust of some description perhaps? Obviously I don't know circs, but if he's worried about what ends up happening to his assets and how his son is provided for that might be a way to create some certainty/stability with safeguards that go back to him creating the trust and setting out his wishes and the terms the trustees have to act within? Rather than it all falling on your shoulders and you being positioned as decision maker. Trusts can be created in life not just on death.

Might be a way to take some of the fire out of the situation if it's an option?

Don't focus too much on the potential fallout in the future. Practice saying "this is not about you, this is about what he wants/wanted. That's why he asked me.."

I think you're right on that. Take care.

After posting thought -
Could you tell him you're happy to do it, but worried about the aftermath - ask him to write a postcard to each of them saying to accept his wishes, and therefore your decision - that could be given if there's any ruptions?

To be honest, I've recently lost my great friend to cancer, and her mother was a loose cannon/worry. By the time my friend got really poorly I think any one of those of us v close to her would have squashed down any issues, had they been kicked off by her mother, but to be fair, although expected, they never happened..

@honeyroar I have agreed to do it, because how could not? He knows it might get difficult but I’m assuming that as we all love him sense will prevail. But I have a feeling that it won’t ... and am already worrying about it.

My DH went through papers before his 1st surgery. He made sure that the pension beneficiaries were who he wanted (high value estate potentially) and so better to leave directly to children and not me.

We have a family WhatsApp that my DD set up. I thought that I would hate it but actually it is a great way to share information without having to tell 12 people and everyone gets to know at the same time. For example they all want to know how chemo has gone and he can do 1 post. It has evolved a bit into a more general keeping in touch as he is in a waiting period post chemo at the moment. He also promised to post anything significant which removed the, just getting in touch to ask how x went queries.

We were inundated with visitors. TBH I just wanted a weekend alone but I realise that his friends were all devastated and needed their feelings to be taken into account as well.

It is really hard on his brother. They are only a year apart. My DH is definitely spending more time with his family than before, part of it is to meet their need to do something I think.

Is the DS a child or adult?

Yes I know you’ve already agreed, just thought my suggestions might help.

I'm sorry to hear about your brother.

I wouldn't worry too much about the POA. He can stipulate his specific requirements in the POA that he wants you to adhere to as well as preferences where he isn't so bothered. That way, if you are called upon to make decisions and people aren't happy, you can just tell them you have complied with his directions/instructions.

Has he done both the health and financial POAs and made you a attorney on each?

It may be that your DB retains capacity anyway so you may never be called upon to make decisions on his behalf.

"I just don’t know how to respond! I want to be supportive and positive but don’t want to trivialise the seriousness of it. There is only the 2 of us and I’m devastated but don’t want to make him feel worse either."
If ever there was a time to be honest it is now. Tell him you don't know how to respond. Tell him you are worried about making him feel worse. Tell him you are devastated at the thought of losing him. Tell him you love him.
Ask him open-ended questions. Ask how he feels about the news.Tell him you are worried about the POA but will ensure his wishes prevail.

I would want the chance to talk earnestly to my DB and make sure he knows he could tell me anything. Let him know it is okay to feel scared, it's okay if he is in denial too - whatever way he behaves is normal and okay.

I hope you have that amount of quality time left with your DB but make sure you leave nothing left unsaid in case his time comes sooner than you anticipate.

Find yourself some support people/places for you, that aren't people really close to your brother. Mumsnet is one. Where else/who else might be good at supporting you?

Your brother might choose to be referred to a hospice/palliative care team. They might be well placed to advise him on how to approach conversations between his son/current partner/you about who he wants to do what for him. Without knowing the people it's hard to say, but I wonder if the fall out might be minimised if he's clear with both his partner and his son that after his death x is for his son, y is for his partner, z is for you and that during his lifetime, if he becomes unable to make his own decisions about finances he wants you to make them.

If he and his partner are considering marriage [for eg. bereavement benefits] he needs advice to make sure he doesn't undo his other planning.

Thank you all for your replies, they’ve really helped me to start thinking more rationally, instead of just being an emotional wreck.

In answer to some specific questions.
My DN is an adult.
I’m not sure what type of POA he has in mind, but whatever it is I’ll be there for him and will make sure that his wishes are being followed.

As a pp mentioned, you may never have to act as attorney. Has he also asked you to administer his Estate (be Executor) after he dies? Are you worrying about that?