in not taking my small DS to a funeral

[pagwatch]

I realise that given the situation here - the death of a small child - my issue is very very small but I am trying to do the right thing and I am really not sure.
My DH is away and a little friend of my DD has just died. It really is incredibly sad , only 4 years old.
I told my DD and her reaction was sad ( her grandad passed away and she remembers that quite clearly and misses him) but she is so small she dosen't really get it.She has said it is said and she will miss them and has asked about where they are etc. But she then went on a playdate and in her four year old way she has not really talked about it since.
I was given the details of the funeral but it is on the day my DH comes back from a two week long trip and will involve a great deal of organzation to be there.
Whilst I am keen to be any kind of support I can I did not really know the parents at all and although their wish to have the kids there is fine this could actually just upset my DD when the length of time since she last saw this child means it is not really impacting her. And whilstthey have sent out a broad initation to parents from the nursery I think I would feel a bit like a gate crasher. But other mums going have just assumed that I will go.
I feel lousy. I can't imagine how they are feeling. I think having small friends turn up may provide them with some comfort and I feel I should. But on the other hand as I don't know them terribly well I also don't want to intrude. Perhaps I should just leave it up to DH when he gets back.
Does anyone have any opinions . I think I am being unreasonable not going but it dosen't seem quite right to go.

I would send flowers and a card but not go. If you were in their place you wouldn't be wondering where some vague acquaintance was at the funeral.

I wouldn't. How about offering to baby sit some of the others in case they feel similarly but want to pay their respects ? Or send a posy of flowers with a message and card.

Ooh I like LIZS' idea - that's nice.

Blimey - that was quick and you are so right . Absoloutely right. I wouldn't have noticed at my dads.
I will send a card and flowers from DD and family.

Thank you - too close to it to see what should be in my face.

And yes - the babysitting thing for others.
Thanks !!!!

Not really any words of advice as such, but I would say that reading yor post it seems like you have two issues: a) should you both go at all and b) what will be the impact on your DD.

It might be worth asking the nursery what they think - if the other children have been talking about it. Perhaps the nursery could do something collectively (with the parents agreement) that is more on the children's level? Release a balloon each maybe? Don't know.

Perhaps the parents want to have memories of their little one being given a send off by lots of their friends - if they haven't said family/close friends only, I think you can be pretty sure they would appreciate as many people there as possible and would not consider it intrusive at all.

Unfortunately the nursery is only a term time one so they are not involved just now. Perhaps they could get the class together in Sept to have some little age appropriate get together. DD will have left by then but I'm sure we could go.

It is just so sad. I don't know the parents but I knew the child pretty well and it is just awful. Can't think very rationally about it .
Thanks all .
My first real MN query and you have all been so helpful

I took my baby dd (not yet two at the time) to my dad's funeral and it was really helpful for me. Kept me focussed on life and happiness. She was good, sang a bit to all the music being played (my dad was a musician so it was appropriate and it was quite an unconventional funeral) and it was nice I think for people to see life going on.
But I didn't take my five year old son, as he chose not to, and I think he was right. My lovely stepdaughter played with him outside while the funeral was happening then we all went to the 'wake' type party afterwards, where lots of people played music, had a few drinks and food and spoiled the children rotten.
In short, I agree you shouldn't take her. But send flowers or pink balloons (I am thinking of lovely ggg here) to the funeral with a note to the poor parents.

Hi pagwatch, I went to a baby's funeral and it was desperately sad. Tiny coffin All of the adults were in floods of tears. I don't think its the place for a child, it could be really upsetting for them.

To me a funeral is a celebration of life, however long or short. To remove children from this is to not let them experience what death is and what it means to them.

My grandparent were Irish, and when there is a death, that side of my family do not exclude anyone from the preparations, even bringing the body back to the house. the children grow up with this from all ages and the whole thing is seen as a celebration. As a result I would say they actually deal with death better than we English do.

I wouldn't hide my child away from an experience which seems to have become taboo in our English society.

I think it would be too distreessing to tae small children to such a funeral as a lot of grown ups are going to be very very upset, and this is upsetting for small childre.
If it was the funeral of an elderly relative then maybe I would take an older child.
I agree with the prevous post whereby you could end up with a lot of 4 year olds wanting to play and not really understanding what is going on.
poor poor family though.

My dd was about 4 when dh's nan died. I decided it wasn't appropriate for her to be at the service, so I offered to stay back at the house with her and get the food and drink ready. It meant that I could still be part of the whole day, but just not at the church.

My aunt died in June. Her grandchildren were all at the wake which is just as bunnybaby has described. The body came home & her grandchildren all wrote her letters to be buried with her, they kissed her goodbye, they sang to her the morning she was getting buried.

All tremendously sad, but, in their own wee way they all got to say goodbye to their granny.

However, as you say, your dd hasn't seen her since term ended & if you think it amy upset her, then I would agree with you & not send her. But I would go & take a drawing or something from your dd.

when gs died in december, everyone wanted to be there,hard to get babysitter as some one one have to miss funeral,booked gd s in a nursery to look after them then youngest one caught chickenpox so had to un book,luckily a child minder offered to have them as she only had after school kids, hubby left her his car to drop them at wake, but no way could we have let them go, hide them from the pain ,but let balloons off later to say goodbye to their brother,and yes they go to cemetry,so they know where he is,or at least the sldest who is four does