Failed marriage. My fault?

[cranberries]

I'm trying to figure out what happened ? He walked out after 16 years. We have three children, two with additional
Needs including asd. He blames me. He didn't Like my ' attitude' towards him. Found me to be a nag, pestering him to help,disrespecting him and critical that he was unable to see out minor job , if he did it at allI. I did everything I could to try to get him to engage with family life and to create bonds with the kids.
He only ever seemed to want to do stuff with me. He had little interest in our children. They irritated and annoyed him and he was shouty and picking on them all the time, sometimes I felt like he resented them.
I never sat back and watch him being shitty to the kids, I always got
Involved which he felt undermined him , which it did for f course but I wasn't going to sit back and watch him shouting at kids for nothing and pick at them and threaten them.They have each said that he scares them when he shouts and loses his temper.
He is a very
Poor communicator. Would not engage with me when there were issues. Left all the grunt work to me even though I also
Work full time . I lost it completely with him in the summer as he left absolutely everything to me( I was off work) and his selfishness just got worse .Two of the children got very anxious necessitating intervention. He refused to take time off despite working by every hour he could. That's when I lost respect. He ended it then as he said he didn't Love me anymore and wouldn't try marriage counselling
Now however I am Feeling the most horrendous guilt. I wonder if I had tried harder. Put him first. Would things have been so bad .Is this my fault?

Given the way you've described him, he's done you a favour by going.

Ok so you shouldn't have undermined him and should have let him parent his way - but you shouldn't have had to ask for help. You shouldn't have had to tell him to spend time with the children.

Did you ever make time for the two of you to do things as a couple?
Did he ever speak to you about how he was feeling?

What did/do you love about him? He sounds like he was awful to live with. You'll do your children well by giving them a calmer, less angry home.

Yes we can fern went on dates for dinner etc but only if I organised it. We had two arguments where he said he didn't like my attitude. I tried to speak to him about how lonely I felt in the marriage. He fell deeper into his work.
I realise I shouldn't have undermined him. That was wrong. I could never stand back and watch him be so nasty and threatening to the kids. I always intervened .

Ok well if he was nasty and threatening then yes, you were right to intervene.

He basically wanted you to wait on him hand and foot and was jealous of the kids, by the sound of things. You're well rid.

Disagree with a PP - it's not wrong at all to intervene when anyone is being abusive to your children. Not all all. He's a shit and you need not feel one iota of guilt.

Thanks. I've always felt that he got affirmation through his work and not his family.
In our marriage, I can only remember a handful of them casinos that he actually did anything with the children without actuallyhaving to be asked repeatedly. He just didn't enjoy them.
If we were ever going out for dinner or drinks, his mood would be jubilant and elated, not so much when we would all
Go for dinner or an outing etc.
I feel so guilty as I worry about him. He has no local family, he will be worse off, he has very few friends locally and will essentially be on his own about 80% of the time between work and free time. He doesn't want any more access. He will have kids eow and two evenings week for a couple
Of hours

Ok so you shouldn't have undermined him and should have let him parent his way

Easy to say but you're assuming his style of parenting was fair, the OP suggests is wasn't. It's very hard to stand back and watch your children being unfairly or unkindly treated.

OP it sounds like you had to be the parent in your relationship, because he insisted on being the child. Don't beat yourself up.