9 year old odd behaviour including self harm

[timefliesby]

My 9 year old started acting up at school and home around a week and a half ago. When she was little, she was the queen of tantrums, silence, 9-yard stare (which genuinely scares the shit out of people and which she gets from her father), moving into wailing and throwing herself on the floor. She used to do naked protests too - shedding her clothes behind her. That behaviour stopped - a bit late, maybe 4...but this past couple of weeks we’ve been having major tantrums again. Staring into space, refusing to talk to anyone or do anything, at school it’s mainly in maths and hockey apparently. Teacher said to me she’s never seen such will before to not cooperate / speak - she’s been referred to pastoral care to see if they can get out of her what is wrong. She has many friends, is creative and quirky, never in trouble and hates even a whiff of her being implemented in trouble unfairly. She’s bright, her school reports are always good. Tonight we had another strop after picking up a Chinese, she didn’t want to eat it, I didn’t make her. Asked if she’d like something else and that I’d remember she doesn’t like Chinese. She said she was a bit hungry but wanted nothing. I tried to talk to her after dinner which went badly. Back to silent staring, I tried to ask questions, she led me to believe someone had hurt her - an adult which sent me into orbit worrying. She put her hands around her throat and applied pressure at one point saying she couldn’t say. Eventually, 45 minutes later she made out it was me that had hurt her (after briefly insinuating it might be my husband) refused to say how (I don’t touch her ever), I asked if its something I’d said, silence, I asked her to draw it, couldn’t make sense of it. gave up and as she wouldn’t put her pjs on I came upstairs. She pushed a note under the door saying her brother has said she’s adopted. She’s not and she’s seen all the birth pics and my bump pics. Her brother looked genuinely baffled. I know when he’s lying. 🤷‍♀️ So what the heck? I don’t know if it’s nothing and she’s manipulating the situ for attention, it is something and she’s not telling me and making other stuff up. What do I do???? Oh and she fell out of a tree yesterday at my parents and has a massive bruise on her behind and a graze on her thigh - now I’m wondering if she fell
or jumped? Or if my brain is now working overtime.

Didn't want to read and run but I don't really have any answers. Perhaps you could share the drawing and we could help try to figure it out? Big hugs

Has there been nothing significant or odd between when she was 4yrs old and now @timefliesby?

Have there been any changes recently, either at home or school?

I’ve just spoken to my mum. My daughter didn’t go to her dad’s house the last time the kids were due at his, because she had many social engagements she didn’t want to miss - her choice. My ex dropped my son off at my mum’s (as I was on a birthday spa day and joining them an hour later). Apparently my ex didn’t come in to say hello to his daughter, just dropped and ran. Apparently she was upset. Now wondering if it’s that as it makes more sense of the adoption thing and she has been commenting on how spoilt my son was on his birthday by their father and how she wasn’t. Hmmmm. He’s incapable of emotion though. When I messaged him she’s been upset he suggested she needed to do more maths with him - no joke.

She's likely acting up because of her Dad but can't make sense of all the feelings quite yet.

Can you get her professional help to find out what's going on?

It sounds possibly like a personality / communication thing, maybe part inherited from her father who isn't good at communicating his feelings either. It doesn't necessarily mean that anything much is wrong externally. It could be that when world doesn't go the way your DD expects, that bothers her more than most people and she can't communicate her bafflement. That strong sense of injustice you mentioned can go along with a bit of rigidity and with panicking when she has to face the unexpected, and getting into a panicked silence or a "no!!!" response when she finds it hard to meet other people's expectations in school, maybe if she's suddenly asked to do something she wasn't expecting or finds hard.

The Chinese meal may just have come as a surprise, the unexpected. Have you tried not reacting to the strop and waiting for her to adjust? The silent staring could be because you two are at cross purposes. You are asking her to explain herself, offering her alternatives, saying you will remember she doesn't like Chinese food. But it may not be about liking or disliking at all. She's just discombobulated, and so much verbal input from you could be disorienting. She may need to be left alone more to adjust the unexpected food in her own way. To eat it, or not, in her own time, without further adult comment or analysis.

She put her hands around her throat and applied pressure at one point saying she couldn’t say.

That might just have been an expression of how she feels about being questioned and trying to answer and finding that very hard - a rather extreme expression that's not to be take too seriously. Could you ease off on questioning her and "talking to" her? She is trying to satisfy you and answer your anxieties but maybe she doesn't have the articulacy or understanding yet to do that. If she says she's adopted then just reassure her "you're mine and I love you".

Some professional help might be good idea of things don't resolve.