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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it me ???

26 replies

Lol246 · 28/10/2019 20:59

I'm feeling really lost and confused within my relationship.
I've recently been diagnosed with depression and since talking to my doctor I've realised that I've suppressed a lot of things and my opinions to keep other people happy especially in my relationship. Since realising this and being on medication I've started to realise that I have taken a lot blame and let a lot go in order for an easy life.
I have now realised whenever I raise an issue or try and speak to him or disagree with him on something, I get verbally abused or made to feel like I'm stupid and totally dismissed or he'll walk out the house, get drunk, ignore me the list goes on but I've now realised this has been going on for over 5 years.
I'm a stay at home mum and hes now told me I'm lazy and I've got it easy being at home with a two year old, which my house is always spotless, his tea Is done when hes home from work he doesnt lift a finger which I dont mind because I'm at home but he tells me I should be grateful and dont appreciate how easy I've got it, I know that I am lucky to be able to stay at home with my daughter but he told me that he didn't want me to go back to work but then in the same breath tells me our house is HIS house cause he pays the Bill's etc.
He tells me that people in his family cant believe how ungrateful and badly I spesk to him, and hes put up with it for two years and I'm a disgrace. This has deeply hurt me but also I'm so confused I've never spoke to him badly ever as I'm always so careful not to rock the boat but also we very rarely see his family so I dont know why they would say those things about me, I always do my best as a mum as partner and I'd always do anything to help him and his family.
Hes told me he was us to move away closer to his family, which in turn means us moving away from my support network which has really broke my heart, my mum and dad help me out so much with my little girl and help me. My partner wont speak to any of my family and I have to tell them when there coming round else he kicks off if I dont him or he sees my dad has done any d.i.y job around the house for me so I cant help but think he just wants me to be away from the people I'm close with.
Hope this all makes sense I genuinely feel like I must be insane because hes told me all these awful things about myself and now I am questioning if I'm a horrible person!?!?!
The reason I've wrote this now is because I just bought up about him swearing and hanging up on me today, I just asked if he wouldnt do it and some how I shouted at him on the phone (which is a lie) I was having a lovely time playing with my daughter my voice never changed at all but apparently all the lads commented on how I spoke to him. He has now took his stuff and left. I genuinely feel like I must be mad????? He turned a conversation into him shouting and balling about what a bitch I am.
I am emotionally drained.
Is this my fault !?!?!?

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 28/10/2019 21:01

No, it isn't your fault. He's a twat. And you don't have to live like this.

ReeRi · 28/10/2019 21:03

It sounds like he is abusive OP

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

Him leaving could be for the best but I bet he’ll come back!

Choice4567 · 28/10/2019 21:03

No. He is abusing you. Leave him.

daisypond · 28/10/2019 21:05

Leave him.

Justtryingtobehelpful · 28/10/2019 21:07

No. It's not you. It's him. Read this book

docdro.id/py03

You'll stay to see everything he's done and is doing is on purpose. Some things you've already clocked - e.g. purposefully moving you away from your support network.

People will also suggest the Freedom programme.

It sounds like you both need counselling. Don't go together at he's abusive - emotionally and financially.

Maybe contact Relate for yourself too. Or ask your Health Visitor to come over as you are newish to the area.

It's not you!! Xx

krustykittens · 28/10/2019 21:14

You are in an abusive relationship, OP, take your daughter and run like hell!

mokapot · 28/10/2019 21:15

One word...gaslighting
Leave

Lol246 · 28/10/2019 21:23

Thank you everyone. You've all said the same thing. I cant believe I've been blind to this for all this time but I wont let my daughter be witness to this. I think deep down I've known this because I've never got into detail with friends and family about this because I think I knew once I'd told them that would be it. I'm going to take some control back and have a happy life with me and my daughter. Thank you everyone I feel like I have some clarity for the first time in a long time!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Tinkerbell456 · 28/10/2019 21:32

Obviously I’ve only read your post, but you sound lovely to me. He sounds awful. Surely, you should appreciate each other’s contributions? Swearing at you and hanging up, telling you it’s his house etc is unacceptable. Maybe keep a journal of exactly what you do to present him with a clean, tidy home, dinner on the table and happy, healthy toddler when he comes home from work. That’s if you can be bothered, and I’m not sure I could be.

Theresnobslikeshowbs · 28/10/2019 21:47

Sweetheart, it’s him not you. Whatever you do please do not move away to be near his family, you will regret it from the moment you start packing. He’s abusing you. None of this is your fault. It’s him, and him only x

AliceAbsolum · 28/10/2019 21:51

Leave him ASAP

marvellousnightforamooncup · 28/10/2019 21:54

Bet you won't be depressed when you've ditched him.

Toddlersaresuchadelight · 29/10/2019 06:16

This sounds very much like abuse.
I went through a very similar thing with my ex (no kids though) and now am happily remarried with a toddler and baby on the way.
I couldn't see how bad it had gotten but I found the strength to get out and it's the best thing I ever did.
Good luck, lovely. And remember: it's not you. It's definitely him.

AnyOldPrion · 29/10/2019 06:20

Don’t have much to add, but ... it’s not you. I wish you well.

Beautiful3 · 29/10/2019 06:32

He is being abusive. It will get alot worse for you if you move away because you'll be isolated. I honestly would move back to my parents home. You and your child are important so make your parents aware of how he is treating you.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 29/10/2019 06:49

Do not leave your support network, leave himFlowers

RedSheep73 · 29/10/2019 07:18

Based on what you've said here, it's not you, it's him. He's undermining your confidence deliberately to keep you where he wants you. That's not love.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/10/2019 07:23

He’s an abusive liar. You and your daughter deserve better.

Are you married? Whose name is the house in? Do you have access to money?

Lol246 · 29/10/2019 08:38

@TestingTestingWonTooFree no we are not married but I am on the mortgage, we only have a joint bank account so he sees exactly what I spend withdraw etc but I have been saving money by getting cash back at food shopping just so I have a little bit of money. I know its sneaky but it's just something but I know my parents will help me get on my feet. They'll just want us (me and my daughter) to be happy not constantly on this emotion rollercoaster that we always on x

OP posts:
Nofunkingworriesmate · 04/11/2019 16:54

You are in a horrible abusive relationship
Leave him ASAP

Sparkletastic · 04/11/2019 16:57

Can you move in with your parents? You shouldn't waste any more time on your abusive partner.

DangerousBeanz · 04/11/2019 17:02

You are being emotionally abused and I dare say your lovely mum and dad already know and are just waiting for you to ask for their help to leave. Mine were.
See a solicitor and take steps to leave, for the good of yourself and your DD.
Do not move away.

Keep safe

Pinkbonbon · 04/11/2019 17:07

So basically, your depression has a cause. If you remove the cause, your depression would likely lift. I am shocked the dr prescribed antidepressants knowing this. Unless maybe she thought they would help you to feel stronger and so, strong enough to get shot of him...

Drop the nasty abusive partner, give it a few months and you'll feel much better. If I were you I'd want to hold off on taking the meds for a few months to see if things will improve on their own after all his mind-fking stops. But maybe check with the doc on that one first.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 04/11/2019 17:11

I think you now know what the biggest contributor to your depression is!

Good be glad he's left, make it a perm arrangement

gamerchick · 04/11/2019 17:16

Sounds textbook. Grind you down then isolate you.

Don't move anywhere with him and tell your mother what he's been doing.