Would you tell?

[dancemom]

We had this discussion in the office today and the answer to A was pretty unanimous but to B and C was varied so I thought I'd take it to Mumsnet.

X is single and dating. Meets Y and they are together 6 months.
X then finds out Y is actually married.

A - if you were Ys husband / wife would you want to know?

B - do you contact Ys husband / wife and tell them?

C - would you do it anonymously?

Yes to A, Yes to B, Yes to C (because I'm a coward and wouldn't want to get involved any deeper than that).

I would want to know myself, therefore I think I'd tell the wife/husband if I could.

Not sure I'd do it anonymously though, because I'd fear that it would be dismissed as someone being malicious.

I would want to know. Otherwise the wife is living a lie.

Yes and then No to B

Yes I would want to know, yes I would tell and no I wouldn't do it anonymously because I would want to provide messages etc so they knew it was the truth. I know everyone is different but I pretty much try to live by 'treat others as you would wish to be treated' and I would want the full story so I wasn't left with any doubt over who to believe.

A - yes

Either B - yes and C - no
Or B - no

There wouldn't be much point in B - yes and C - yes in my opinion, as most people will not believe an anonymous message. Too likely to be someone with a weird grudge or ulterior motive.

Yes
No
N/A

Yes i'd want to know, but no I wouldn't tell. I don't think telling would end well for anyone- the partner might 'shoot the messenger', it's not your business, there is often a slight element of 'getting your own back' in telling, the partner probably won't believe you if you're anonymous versus could harass you if you're not.
I would live in the belief that Y will 'out' themself at some point- by being cagey, by being caught doing whatever, by being caught in lies, and X will know then and be able to make a decision.

Oops sorry I don't mean that X will know then, I mean that the husband/wife will know then and be able to make a decision about what they want to do about their cheating partner

Yes and yes but no to anonymous

I would want to know. If I was X then I would want to tell Ys husband/wife. I would like to say that I wouldn’t do it anonymously as it can then be put down to someone being malicious.

I would not do either B or C if I was not X and was just some bystander of the situation

Yes yes no

If you say yes to A and no to B then you're a coward in my opinion. And a hypocrite.

I actually was X on two occasions.

The first time was 20 years ago, Y turned out to be engaged and my only thought was to get as far away from him as possible. Facebook and mobile phones hadn’t been invented yet so I had no idea how to contact his fiancée, and tbh I’d have been afraid of his furious reaction.

The second time I probably could have contacted the woman Y was living with but he insisted he loved me and was in the process of letting her down gently. Like a fool I believed him and didn’t see the point of hurting her when he was supposedly leaving her anyway. Of course he then withdrew from our relationship slowly and carefully enough to avoid triggering me.

If I was her I’d want to know. But if I was Y I’d probably try to get revenge on X for grassing me up and this is why I’d never do it.

Interesting opinions!