To think we can be friends and not fancy each other?!!

[Linnylinn1]

I have worked at the same company for 5 years now, (management position) we had a new member of management join 2 1/2 years ago. I am female and he is male. We get on very well. I am very happily married and when he joined he was single but now has a long standing girlfriend. We have NOTHING romantic between us AT ALL. We are literally really good friends almost brother/sister like. We look out for each other, listen to each other etc.

My dh has no problem with this at all, they have met and he agrees he is a good guy and a great friend to me. His girlfriend agrees and seems to be ok with our close friendship.

Here is the issue...we had a new female member of the team join about 6 months ago (non management but works very close to us all) who for some reason has taken it upon herself to find our relationship “odd”. When she comes to my office, if he is there she insinuates that he shouldn’t and has started spreading rumours that there’s more than meets the eye etc. Now I know that she is an acquaintance of his girlfriend and she is really just trying to stir shit. I can’t say anything because I feel like if I do then it looks like I’m trying to cover my back as such! And also as luck would have it she is a relation of our “head honcho” so to speak so another reason why we can’t “get rid of her”

How do we get around this without making it all awkward or ruining how our smoothly run office!!?

Forgot what my AIBU was 😫 I’m so tormented over it!

This sucks for you OP. I believe that men and women can be friends, but I encounter people all the time that believe otherwise.

I'm female and my friends are 50/50 male and female. I used to work in a male dominated environment and inadvertently 'became one of the lads'!

I even have a couple straight male friends who I consider to be best friends of mine. One of them I've known 23 years.

Luckily, my exes and my now DP have had no issues with me having male friends. To be fair, I wouldn't start a relationship with a partner that did have an issue with half of my friends.

Likewise I've no issue with them having female friends. My DP and his ex-GF ocassionally say hello to each other on FB messenger. I even went to a gig with an ex last year. I trust my DP and he trusts me.

So, in answer to your question, YANBU thinking men and women can't be friends. But I wish I had some advice for you on this woman at your work.

Have you and your workmate ever socialised with each other and your partners together?

@ NameChangedForTheDay thank you for your reply. It is so hard it’s making me start to dread work (which I never have in my life!)

Yes we have socialized together at family parties. My dd has her baptism and they were invited and came! We went to his birthday bash last year and had drinks once or twice.

The two of us are really confused as to what her deal is!! 😫

If there really genuinely is no chemistry between you and your friend I wouldn't give this woman a second thought. Of course you can be good friends without fancying one another. Men and women can have platonic friendships.

Of course if you are secretly nurturing feelings for him that's a different matter and you should take a step back. Do you have feelings for him? It doesn't sound like it.

Based on your OP alone I'd say she's toxic and interfering. Do you have reason to believe she is actively spreading untruths about you?

@Linnylinn1

Your newish colleague sound jealous LOL.

I have had several male colleagues over the years who I had a real hoot with, went to lunch with, and the cinema too occasionally. Just me and him. My DH didn't mind, and neither did the wife(s). We all knew each other, and I liked the wife(s) very much, and their kids too, and she/they liked me, and mine and DH's kids.

But there was always some smug snide fucker in the office who said 'wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.' with a stupid grin

'Slid up and down his pole did ya?' And stupid lewd comments like that!

It made the friendship(s) hard to continue, as me and said male colleagues were worried that our partners would hear some shit someone had made up, and suspect something.

People are arseholes.

I would be tempted to take her aside and ask her why she is spreading lies.

@thepeopleversuswork no I have no romantic feelings whatsoever, I literally see him like a big bro/cousin type. Our relationship is lovely and I would hate to lose it.

Yes I know for a fact she told someone a blatant lie because that person told another colleague whom I have known since day dot. She laughed out loud so much because she knew it was BS and told the other colleague to tell her to wind her neck in as such (and then she told me) But she seems persistent and has kept going.

@LavendarGreen I REALLY want to confront her, BUT I am just unsure if she would use it against me!! Somethings not right with her (she’s too sly) and I don’t want to knee-jerk and have it backfire either.

@Linnylinn1

I wish you well. Whatever you do. I do get it though.

You speak with HR and let them know you are concerned about this women's behaviour.

Then you make an appointment with the woman and tell her that spreading unsubstantiated rumours is wholly unacceptable and if she doesn't stop then you'll escalate the issue without hesitation.

I think you should very publicly organise a lot of social events with the man and your partners. This only matters if the woman causes problems in your respective relationships; you need to be closer to his girlfriend than she is.

I would say though that being related to the head honcho should not really stop you managing her i.e.telling her to be professional and shut up.

Without being too outing it is complicated as someone in this story is the head of HR, 😫🤣 also part of the problem!! Oh it’s a big mess!!

Almost all my friends in work are male. I'm going out for drinks with them this weekend. No attraction in either direction - we all just have very similar (geeky) interests and some similar life experiences. DH has no concerns. There's no chance in hell I'd cheat on him.

Ok well if you or the bloke concerned is head of HR pull yourself together and knock this on the head

You know what you should be doing...why the fuck are you pissing around behaving like entry level grads?! This behaviour is not appropriate.

Anything you do will feed the belief. Ignore.
Finally consider this. You know how you view him, but you don't Know for sure how he views you. Maybe she has picked up on something he has said in her presence about you. Or maybe she has picked upon something you have missed?

Can you talk to her line manager about her gossiping and spreading rumours?

I have male friends, it's no big deal.

I was with you until you said he's like a "big bro". What's that about? It implies some kind of protective/mentor power dynamic in the relationship that's potentially not as innocent as you make out or think.

I say that because in my own friendships with guys I could maybe see them as brothers, but not as my "big brothers". To me that just implies a very clear male/female divide.

It may be that the girlfriend isn't as cool with it as you think - and has confided in her acquaintance who is now trying to protect her friend.

Maybe she means big brother because he is older?

Maybe this woman fancies the guy and wants to spread rumours hoping they will get back to his girlfriend and she will dump him. I would ask her if she fancies him and that's why she is constantly talking about him.

Well obviously his girlfriend is not as 'cool' with the friendship as you think she is.

That female colleague is his girlfriend friend so has the inside knowledge.

Can you be more specific. Exactly What are the rumours she has spread. What exactly does she say when you believe she insinuates he should not be in your office. What has she said to make you think she views your relationship as 'odd'
Without specifics, it's hard for people on here to advise