Overbearing in laws?

[SheBloodyNameChangedAgain]

Hi, long time poster - have name changed as previous posts will 100% out me to anyone in real life.

I am in a relationship of 7 years with my partner - we are both female.

I have always got on with her family, her Mother is hard work but in a loveable kind of way. If that makes sense. We have never had any run ins.

We paid for fertility treatment and it was agreed I would carry the child.

After our first attempt I have fallen pregnant and am 9 weeks today (yay me!)

I am not sure whether it is my hormones but I am starting to get aggravated by the following situations and need some other peoples opinions as to whether I am being over sensitive or whether I need to speak to DP.

1. I asked MIL and SIL not to buy anything yet as it is still too early, and if anything happens they will be lumbered with baby stuff. Agreed. However it has since been established that they have both bought several items. Not the biggest problem tbh.

1. When we got the go ahead to start treatment, SIL told MIL before we has a chance to share the good news.

1. I had an early viability scan and the picture was sent to SIL. We were going to show MIL in person as she is quite elderly and wanted to show her where everything is. SIL went to MIL before we had even finished work and asked her if she had seen the scan - no, so then showed it to her. MIL "devastated" that we had shown SIL the scan but not her.

1. DP's other Sister phoning MIL to say how upset she was that we have not shown her a picture (for several reasons, DP is not at all close to this sister, she is emotionally abusive to her own children and has stolen from family etc. Also told her she does not know if she can love our child as it is myself carrying it, not her sister). DRAMA!

1. I voiced my concerns over whether to have the downs syndrome test or not. SIL said yes I am to do this as it would not make a difference if it was Downs Syndrome anyway, I would not be aborting it. This may be true but who the hell is she to tell me whether I can abort a child or not? (again, I would not abort but that's not the point)

1. DP told SIL and MIL what names we were looking at for child even though I asked her to keep this quiet, and SIL has "fobbed off" the names, saying she doesn't like them.

I am a woman on the edge! I feel like they are taking over. I have aired my anger to DP but she keep saying the are just excited.

I am so scared they are going to be too much, and coming over all of the time when baby is born.

SIL even said "I hope you aren't going to be one of those mums who doesn't let anyone hold the baby".

How do I get this under control now, in the most unconfrontational way?

Or am I overthinking all of this?

Thinking about the baby being born fills me with panic and dread now which is wrong. I just want it to be my DP and baby for first few days but they are going to be around us constantly I know it, SIL lives only a few streets away and she doesn't work :(

Help!

I have also seen SIL commenting on Private scan pages on FB asking when offers end and how many people can be in on the scan.

I want gender to be revealed to me and DP only! SIL is saying no, we should have that balloon where we all find out together

You and your DP have to be on the same page about all of this. Do not tell them things that you don't want other people to know. Share things with the people you want to share them with in the order that you want to share them. If you want MIL to know something direct from you, don't tell anyone else until you have told her.

Some of those things would annoy me too but unless your DP is on board, it isn't going to change.

Congratulations!

Congratulations on the forthcoming baby . Your baby . Your DP’s baby . Concentrate on the three of you otherwise this lovely time as you await the birth will be ruined by your SIL - who is the instigator of all the problems. Don’t give her any more ammunition.

She lives just round the corner and doesn’t work ? Too much time on her hands to cause mischief and become over involved with matters which are none of her business. I can see that you are both going to have to tell her that .

DP is very close to this sister so I can see why she wants to share things. However I have told DP that I don't want her telling her anything until I am ready from now on. I feel like she is sharing all of our good news.

I am getting so angry thinking about it. I wish we hadn't announced it until 12 weeks

Start telling dp to grow a pair and the sil to back the hell off. Stop telling her stuff too.

It's really frustrating because they're just excited which is why they're so overbearing but they do just need to back off.

DP needs to stop telling them things.
Tell MIL any news before you tell DSis.
If you don't want them to tell other people, make that very clear.

Congratulations!

You can be over the moon about a baby due in the family whilst still respecting the pregnant woman's boundaries. Unfortunately this doesn't sound like what is happening with your dp and her lot.
You aren't over reacting to anything you have described, they sound hard work.
Make sure they don't have keys to your house, and start asserting your self, no visits without prior notice and if you say no thanks, that will be respected.

This is exactly what it was like throughout my pregnancy and only got worse when dc was born. I decided I didn't need sil in my life as she was overbearing and went nc which prompted mil to go to nc with us until we spoke to sil. Needless to say we have had nc with dp family for over 10 years and it's been bliss.
I think you need to decide if you're prepared to have dps family micro managing your life or not otherwise move away and live your own dreams.

Forgot to say "congratulations on your pregnancy!"

Firstly, congratulations and secondly ... this was me at new year.
I still have issues now.
We were 6 weeks in and asked them not to buy us things, we went for dinner and she pulled out two bags full of clothes and toys. I said I didn’t want it and refused to open it.
My DH is excellent and stopping them crossing boundaries - so you need to communication with your DP to ensure you’re playing the same game.
When you have a united front and have the same answers/responses, you’ll get much further.

OP are you me?! I’m in a same sex relationship and when we told her family our fertility treatment was successful and we were having a baby it changed everything! Suddenly everything they did annoyed me. MIL bought the baby clothes at 10 weeks (after we specifically said not to) and we unfortunately lost our baby 6 days later. I KNOW this was nothing to do with the clothes but a part of me hates my MIL for doing it and making us go through the pain of what to do with the clothes.

Put your foot down now, tell your DW this baby belongs to the 2 of you and not her whole family! Things will only get worse if you don’t.

I will speak to DP. They are an extremely close family though.

I am not close to mine really so I am not used to having family so far in your face. When they come over and discuss baby things, it's like I don't exist or I am just an object, there solely to bring them a baby. At least that is how I feel

@MummyToBe89 So sorry to hear of your loss

This is my nightmare, and they will be the first to be so upset over the clothes they have bought.

YANBU

However, DP is your problem here. She has to accept that if you cannot trust her not to blab to her sister every five minutes, you will be going to appointments alone and not sharing them with her......

I'm afraid it's the MN 'you have a DP problem' line.

Congratulations though!

Different expectations of family is key here, I think. You need a sit down serious chat with your DP to tell her how you feel and to request that she doesn’t tell her family everything that happens. I would definitely ask that sil is kept out of the loop, none of this is her business. Set out expectations now so you don’t have to fight nearer the time when you’re knackered and unable to put up a fight. Your DP needs to step up and have decent boundaries. No one is saying exclude the in laws, but there should be healthy boundaries. Your name choices are no one’s business but you and your DP.

As for the scan situation that’s an absolute NO!!! This is your time, the 2 of you seeing your baby and finding out it’s gender. That would be a dealbreaker for me and if DP can’t understand that I think you have bigger problem than her family.

You are sharing too much info with SIL. If you don’t want her opinion on it, don’t tell her! YABU to tell her/them and expect them to just nod their heads!

It's is your dp that is the issue here . Your well-being should be first in their thoughts and not keeping other people happy. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Having a baby changes everything. The family that was once at arms length becomes overbearing and over involved. It's natural for you to feel protective and unfortunately it's also natural for them to feel extremely excited.

You and your partner need to have a really serious chat and come up with some rules and boundaries that everyone must stick to. I wish you well with everything