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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my ex husband with the power of a thousand burning suns right now?

16 replies

BrassTactical · 28/10/2019 10:58

I know I’m not BU but need to rant feel free to ignore me.

He only sees his kids at the holidays really, they look forward to it. I only get the time to work, all my time is kids/work as any days off I get are for them.

He pays nothing, refuses to sign the divorce papers even after 3 years.

He has them one week this week, ONE WEEK. And my 10yr old is sat on her iPod messaging me as he has gone to work “to a golf thing” (even though he has no money for his kids right?), all day and apparently is fucking off out again tonight. They’ve been there since Friday, he’s been out every day and night, leaving them with my poor mother in law who also has his sisters 2 under 6 and sometimes his brothers 2 under 5 as well, she barely speaks English and is approaching 65. So my 10yr old is getting frustrated with all the little ones (MIL now in charge of 5 kids 10 and under basically)

I can’t go and get them because of work, they are 4hrs away and it’s the agreement he has them but they are so fucking bored and upset, so they are fighting and I’m basically trying to parent via text and video call.

I hate him
I hate him
I hate him

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 28/10/2019 11:02
Flowers What an arsehole.
Cherrysoup · 28/10/2019 11:09

Agreement? What agreement? Presumably there’s no court order in place? Go through cms, get some maintenance and tell him to go to court for contact. You don’t have to give them over to him.

Original poster
BrassTactical · 28/10/2019 11:13

No court agreement no, just verbal so if I wanted to I could walk in and get them, he couldn’t stop me.

I can block access so he has to go to court but I hate that in the years to come the kids could blame me for that. I don’t think he’d go to court, I think he’d walk away and genuinely feel like the injured party. And make them believe that. He’s a master manipulator hence the divorce! Took me 20odd years to see it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrassTactical · 28/10/2019 11:14

And actually the fact I’m too afraid of the outcomes to contact the CMS and take the divorce/contact to court maybe means he’s still in my head SadAngry

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 28/10/2019 11:22

TBH, I wouldn't try to "fix" it - you say that the kids "really look forward to" their time with dad. If he isn't there, that will soon wear off, and then the kids will vote with their feet. At that point you can suggest the ex that he blocks out some time for his kids or they won't want to come.

If the kids ask to go home, then you can try and share the journey with ex - meet half way after work or whatever.

Child Arrangements, Divorce and Child Maintenance are all separate and you can tackle them one by one. It seems that you have doen the divorce part - now you are having to wait because he won't sign - next, make a call to CMS. There is nothing to fear in terms of outcomes - worst case scenario you get nothing - and you already get that.

Sotiredofthislife · 28/10/2019 11:27

Contact the CMS and let them chase him. The CMS is, at best, an inefficient service so I personally just see it as I’m doing my bit for my children having a case open but I really cannot be bothered to chase them. The divorce could be expensive if he refuses to sign and you have to keep chasing him. At this point maybe wait the 5 years and it should be easier.

You are right about the court thing. I would limit contact but I wouldn’t stop it altogether. You need some time and space sometimes and they do need to see their dad. At least if he keeps leaving them they have the measure of him which they won’t have if you stop contact.

It’s hard. Been at it 10 years and it still goes on for me. I have learnt to withdraw from it. Hang on in there.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 28/10/2019 11:27

Flowers What a rubbish situation. In the short term is there anyway you can help the ten year old log in to Netflix remotely / get a game or book on a tablet or kindle, so she is at least vaguely occupied? Not saying for a minute you should have to, but if she was happier you might feel a bit better? Even after many years my first husband still has the ability to get in my head if I’m not careful. So you have my sympathy!

Original poster
BrassTactical · 28/10/2019 12:24

Thank you all, I’m waiting for the divorce before rocking the boat I guess! I’ll jusy have to weather I for the long term. Eldest is already starting to refuse to go. He does love them and has fun when he is there I just don’t get how he can be so selfish not to see it!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 28/10/2019 12:27

Get the CMS onto it. Won’t affect the divorce, and he should pay his way for his children - you are actually disadvantaging your children by not claiming maintenance for them. It’s in their interests he pays, nothing to do with access etc.

Thatagain · 28/10/2019 15:13

I am sorry you ex is putting you in this situation. Must be hard/difficult being at work knowing that your dc is 4 hour's away and bord/frustrated. I know that this is not what you want to here bit I would put a stop to all contact. Reasons being
1 you can't work properly worried that your child/children is upset.
2 you are not getting any financial support
3 he is leaving his DS to the care of his dm
He can't justify doing this. YANBU.

Original poster
BrassTactical · 28/10/2019 15:25

No I think it’s more if I go to the CMS he’ll be deliberately more obstructive with the divorce. So I wanted to wait. Also he says he has no money and I don’t want to put him in debt, but I don’t get how you can work 6 days a week and have no money...

I don’t need the money but that sort of isn’t the point now is it??

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 28/10/2019 15:45

You need to stop being a walkover OP, and sort this out in Court.

Jaxhog · 28/10/2019 15:47

No I think it’s more if I go to the CMS he’ll be deliberately more obstructive with the divorce.

How much more obstructive could he be? Get someone in authority on your side.

user1486131602 · 28/10/2019 15:52

Time to bite the bullet! HOW can he be more obstructive?
Three years refusing to sign! Take back the power!

You can divorce him without his signature, go back to solicitor!
Call CMS get what you’re due, don’t have to wait for court to award you!
Stop his one week a year access! It won’t affect you rights or cms award.
And go get your kids....they’re miserable!

Good luck!

NoSquirrels · 28/10/2019 18:42

He’s already obstructing the divorce.

And he won’t ‘go into debt’, his CMS payments will be based on what he earns.

Why aren’t you going into debt supporting your children? Why should he be different?

Just do it!

BumbleBeee69 · 05/11/2019 19:46

Did you contact CMS OP ?

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