“I think there’s a lot of criticism of NC from people who haven’t ever had close relationships with people who are horrible to them and refuse to change.”
Absolutely!
Every time I see a thread/post saying people go nc “too easily” I think “there speaks someone with not a CLUE how awful it is to be related to someone who treats them like shit!”
I come from a dysfunctional/toxic family - I’m not even just talking rows, I’m talking abuse, violence, addiction, serious shit stirring etc. At various points I’ve been nc/lc with all the members of my immediate family and am now completely nc with my sister (for the 3rd time, I was regrettably persuaded/pressured to get back in contact by my mum the 2 previous times - sister is very much mums golden child) who is a fucking nightmare! Issues over DECADES including assault, fraud, theft, abuse, shit stirring like you wouldn’t believe! My life is SO much easier not being in touch with her and even though I’m not I’ve unfortunately learned of lies she is STILL spreading about dd and I.
I also disagree that advice to go nc/Ltb is given on here for trivial reasons/one off incidents. I’ve yet to come across that genuinely being the case, when posters advise nc/ltb it’s because the person the op is talking about either did something atrocious and/or there’s a long history of bad behaviour that as a whole warrants the advice.
What I HAVE seen is some posters saying “I read a thread where op was told to ltb and all he did was x” when I have read the same thread they’re disparaging and x 1 wasn’t as trivial as they’re making out and 2 was a “last straw” incident and the dh/dp has a long history of being a disrespectful/tight/selfish/lazy/abusive twat! Ditto with certain in-law or even own shitty family threads.
Those who haven’t had to deal with this shit don’t get it, that’s why there’s the stately homes thread, the people that post there get it and know the others on that thread get it too.
As a divorcee who’s mostly been happily single for nearly 17 years I also think many women’s bar for acceptable behaviour in a spouse/partner is ridiculously low! My ex was a lot of things when we were together, but he was never lazy, tight, selfish, disrespectful or abusive (until the end - affair). He pulled his weight on housework etc, was a hands on dad, generous, respectful and supportive. I wouldn’t have tolerated HALF of what some on here who claim to be in good relationships do! Men who do sod all at home, won’t do night tasks with babies/young children, won’t fairly share household income, spend whole days and nights away from home participating in hobbies or even addictions, bitch about not getting all their needs met (especially sex!), begrudge their wives/partners a life outside the home sometimes inc a job! I’m frequently appalled by how shit many men are as husbands/partners and while I’m aware on mn of course people mostly tend to post the negatives as they’re seeking advice on them, I see it in real life too. I can count on ONE hand the decent men I know who are genuinely good husbands and fathers, the majority are pretty poor but if they’re not the absolute worst the praise they get for doing what most women do without even getting recognition is crazy!
I think it’s quite insulting and dismissive to say others are unreasonable for ltb or going nc, the vast majority of people who do this are at the end of their tether and haven’t made the decision lightly.
I do have one amusing story though as while ex and I generally got on ok we’re both from big families (I’m eldest of 3 but also a shit ton of cousins, he’s youngest of 4) so if we did disagree it could get loud, but that was also partly as both of us when angry/irritated tend to become very mobile/look for things to physically do to use up that energy so we’d be arguing across 2-3 rooms apart. Our rows were rarely about anything serious, they were usually about bad habits each of us had that irritated the other but every so often we’d have a point of “omg why can’t you stop doing this!” (Eg him putting dirty laundry NEXT to the basket rather than in it, me forgetting to turn heating off when leaving the house and wasting fuel/causing house to turn into a sauna! I felt the cold, he was more warm blooded. The usual niggles of living in the same address with anybody) and they tended to flare when the person who “blew up” first was under some other kind of stress, we’d basically bicker loudly, strop off and calm down then more quietly the person who hadn’t blown up first was like “ok, what’s upset you today?” And the real stressor would come out.
At one point we had these VERY smug married ndn, who also were friends with another couple who were also neighbours but not ndn. They used to comment on our rows with a very smug “we never argue, we sit and calmly discuss things if we disagree about something” and their friends were just as dickish! Then one weekend we heard from their house THE most almighty row! I’m talking not just shouting, things were getting thrown, plates smashed the whole bit! At first we couldn’t tell what about and we were just mildly amused that this “perfect” couple were having a row! We got more concerned when things started to get thrown etc and called the relevant people (ex was army and this was an overseas posting so the tendency is to contact army authorities rather than civvy police)
Before MP’s showed up, the husband from the not ndn went storming round to ndn and battering their door and it all got played out on the doorstep so we DID hear what the story was. Couldn’t help it! Turns out husband from ndn couple had been shagging wife from other couple, she got pregnant as a result and it all kicked off! MP’s had to separate the by now physically fighting 2 husbands, they got lifted for the night and the 2 wives who were screaming at each other were told to go back into their own homes and that if they were called out to them fighting they’d be getting held too!
Not so bloody perfect now eh?
So I would caution against smugness too.