My mam always complementing SIL!

[RobertSmithdoesmyhair]

My SIL is lovely. She is also extremely pretty. My mam is slways telling me about her lovely new hairstyle/coat/clothes and about how stylish/graceful she is. She always tells her that she should be a model. Mam also tells me about her beautiful children.
AIBU to be upset that she never tells me i look nice? I'm no stunner, but not ugly either! And she never compliments my kids either?

I don’t think YABU.

Growing up my mum would compliment my friends but never me. It was always X is so pretty or Y has a great figure but I can count on my hands the number of compliments I’ve had from her. She never said I looked nice on my wedding day either.

Has she paid you compliments in the past?

I would constantly compliment everyone around her but not her. But then I’m pretty spiteful like that.

If you have a MIL, I would constantly compliment her

'MIL is so kind and lovely to me' 'MIL was just saying how well behaved the DCs are' 'MIL is such a great granny'

That'll get her to up her game

Does she compliment you and your children to your SIL?

Does she do this with other people too?

I’ve noticed some people have a tendency to put a specific person a similar age to their own kids, but outside their family, on a pedestal and everything they do is SO AMAZING (I know SIL is now in the family, but when she first met her she was outside!). Is SIL slightly more posh in background?

I think it’s a form of ‘projected’ low self esteem. The person doing it is insecure about themselves and their family being good enough, and the person on the pedestal is set up as unattainable perfection.

It’s horribly hurtful, but ultimately about your mum rather than you.

She never compliments me- tells me when i look tired, have a spot, need to polish my boots etc. I don't have a MIL.
I honestly don't believe she says nice things to my SIL about me, as she compliments my SIL to her face in front of me- Isn't your hair beautiful, your jacket really suits you, you are so graceful, your children are so pretty blah de blah. I'm feeling really sad just thinking about my own children, who are old enough to realise.

Have you told your mum how you feel?

No. She'd probably say i'm being ridiculous.

No. She'd probably say i'm being ridiculous.

That's ok, let her say it.

At least you would have told her and it'll stay in the back of her mind.

I agree with @ CobaltLoafer about it being projected low self esteem

I think as it’s upsetting you to the degree it is that you should tell her OP. Let her say you’re being ridiculous. She will hopefully reflect though on what she’s doing and either stop doing it as much or think about your feelings and include you in the compliments.

I agree that she may feel that she needs to do this to keep DIL onside for whatever reason and as you’re her daughter she doesn’t feel the need to do that.

My mother, does this to a certain extent with my sister in law. What a fabulous house she has. ( she does), lovely clothes ( yes again, gorgeous top quality every day) what fabulous taste she has ( yes again ) but I had to say that if I had her money, my taste would be much better too.
My husband kindly said about sister in law being so successful ( she is, and works hard ) The inference being, that I’m not successful ( alas, true again )

When I was a young woman, barely out of my teens (still living at home), I was heading off to work one day and bumped into a neighbour and said hello. Later that day my mum bumped into same neighbour and neighbour said to my mum "I saw your DD this morning and she looked beautiful all done up for work". My mum corrected her and said "no, not beautiful, but she looked attractive".

My mum related this to me after the fact. She wasn't wrong per se, I was never beautiful, but to have her relate this to me was cruel, as I already had self esteem issues. She wasn't even subtle the way she said it. I've never forgotten it and I'm mid-50s now.

Your mum loves you. She probably thinks she doesn't need to say these things to you, because your relationship is founded on something much stronger.
With DIL, she has to actively work on creating a relationship from scratch. And complimenting her is one of the few low risk strategies there are.

She sounds a bit dappily star struck.

I dont think that's true sara. Why does she treat the gc this way then?
If you are certain that she will tell fob you off as ridiculous then do the same to her till she knows how it feels.

TheRobin that’s really hurtful. I feel sad even reading that on your behalf.

Just praise your mil over her.

My mother is the same, OP. And I suspect she does it deliberately to wind me up. She’s even said my SIL would know how to deal with my son’s tantrums/sleep issues/etc etc despite the fact she doesn’t even have kids yet. She certainly knows where to hit me where it hurts. Regularly tells me the other SIL is the most beautiful woman she knows. How successful she is with her career. Etc etc. Mind you, she also bitches about her at times too.

Like you, my mother is quick to point out how crap I look and totally undermines my career and educational achievements, and as a mother.

For the record, I think I’m a great mum, I have achieved more in my career and education than my mother did and I was approached several times by modelling agencies in my younger days. Interesting I got to 40+ years before I started to see this for what it was. Unfortunately a lot of damage was already done to my self-esteem so I am now in the process of trying to repair it.

I’m not saying this is what your mother is doing, but don’t let it affect how you see yourself. These are her issues.

Having seen the amount of women who like to keep the Mils firmly on the outside of their family and the gullible men who go along with it she's probably making an extra effort to make sure she doesn't become one of them 🧟‍♀️

Actually I think I would join in with her in a really over-exaggerated way. Just keep upping the ante.

M: doesn’t X look beautiful in that top?
You: oh my god I’ve almost lost my appetite. She’s like an angel straight from heaven. I can’t believe she’s not a top model, have you thought of suggesting it? She’s just the most beautiful wonderful fantastic and stunning person and that top she is wearing is so stylish and refined and cool and of such amazing quality and colour. And it fits her fantastic figure so amazingly it makes me a bit breathless and teary. I wonder if we are worthy enough to be in her presence mum. I really do. I don’t think we are. Someone as majestically brilliantly gloriously beautiful as her compared with mere mortals like us.

Every time she speaks, interrupt with a better compliment.

Mum: gosh (grandson) is so clever

You: honestly he must have an IQ of 299,999 I mean he makes Einstein and Stephen hawking look pathetically thick. I feel like I’m in the presence of the most gifted child that ever lived. Mum, do you think he could be Jesus?

I agree with CobaltLoafer too. My MiL has done this for years about my SiL (also a DiL but different kind of person to me). SiL is very confident and assertive. Sometimes she talks shit but does it in such a way that you almost believe she's right. MiL thinks she walks on water.

Anyway, I've started picking MiL up on it. So she said for instance, Anna often makes home made stews for the children, as if that made her mother of the year. I just said, I make home made stews too, in a neutral not irritated or whiney voice.

I'm working on what to say when she does that about the children. So, if I say, 'DS is doing x' she'll reply 'SiL's son is doing Y' without acknowledging what my DC are doing. It's v annoying.

YANBU unfortunately many mothers are like this. My boss recently gave my mum a huge compliment and her response was to praise my husband instead. I was never complimented as a child or teenager. Even now I get nothin, she also doesn’t compliment my daughter, only commenting on physical development. Tell yourself the things you wish she would say. Because she’s never going to change sadly. Remember to be different with your own children