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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to never talk talk to IL's again if they dont come to DS Baptism?

31 replies

LowFatPumpkinJuice · 16/08/2007 18:20

Basically MIL has been a bit strange for a good few months, finally GP said it could be depression. But it seems to manifest itself in medical ways, such as she has a bad back, kidney, thyroid gland. All it takes is a GP to mention a certain condition or bodypart and she's there saying it's killing her.

DS is being baptised next weekend and I have a funny feeling MIL will say she can't cope with coming, she has'nt been out in weeks. I today heard that FIL is also wondering how she will be and I wonder if he may not come too. Not because he looks after her - he gets out as much as he can. But because she'll be crying and going on at it about it if he does for leaving her while he comes. But if he did'nt come then he's only be out playing golf anyway.

We're only 90 minutes away so it wont be all day if they do come. And I'm not insisting they come back to our house afterwards either. But I want them to be at the service for DS. BIL has taken day of specially and he and SIL will be making the journey.

Both my parents are dead and I dont have any siblings. So I feel that IL's should be making the effort to get to DS Baptism. They came to DD's and both my DN's so am I right to feel just a little like never talking to them again if they dont come.

OP posts:
BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 16/08/2007 18:22

She hasn't been out in weeks sounds like depression or agrophobia to me.

90 minutes each way is 3 hours in the car, a long time if you are not feeling great. IMO

RubyRioja · 16/08/2007 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LowFatPumpkinJuice · 16/08/2007 18:23

But waht about FIL - he could still come. Afterall DS is the only one of his GC's carrying on the family name...

OP posts:
NAB3 · 16/08/2007 18:24

I understand you may be cross but I think to not see her again is over reacting. YABU.

gringottsgoblin · 16/08/2007 18:27

'DS is the only one of his GC's carrying on the family name' does that make him more important than gc who do not have that name?

do they go to church every week? if not it probably isnt that big a deal to them, and yabu to expect an ill woman to go that far. sorry to be harsh but sometimes you have to realise that your kids are not the centre of everyone elses universe, carrying on the family name or not

Original poster
LowFatPumpkinJuice · 16/08/2007 18:30

I know I know, it just that she has always been manipulative. And the only reason she has got herself in to this situation is because she tried to asert herself over some of the family but got caught out.

I cant help not feeling sorry for her and feel this is just an act as it has been in the past.

I try to look past it, but she was just so mean before

OP posts:
SofiaAmes · 16/08/2007 18:33

Sorry, but it seems to me that you are being unreasonable and rather selfcentered and thoughtless. Your mil clearly seems to be having some fairly major troubles. And frankly whether they are physical or mental really shouldn't make a difference. It's like telling a mother with pnd that she should just get on with it. Maybe if your pil are that close, you (or your dh) should going to visit more often and see if you can help them. Suggesting that if they didn't come to your ds' baptism, you would be so insulted that you wouldn't ever talk to them again, seems a bit silly. Perhaps your fil is so overwhelmed by the problems with your mil, that his means of dealing with it is to just leave the house and play golf. In which case, maybe he really does need help.

beansprout · 16/08/2007 18:34

YABU and you can't really assume that you understand everything that is happening. It would be a shame but not unforgiveable.

RedFraggle · 16/08/2007 18:42

You are being unreasonable, it sounds like your MIl could be feeling terrible already, depression can manifest itself in lots of psychosomatic illnesses. If she is depressed and you then say your not going to see her anymore because she was unable to come to the christening think how much more depressed that could make her? Depression is a horrid illness and can make people miss out on all sorts of things and events they would normally love to attend. Cut the poor woman some slack, maybe you could get FIl to come and video the event so she can see it later?
Get your Dh to go and visit and find out what is really going on here.

Whooosh · 16/08/2007 18:46

Baptism is about you,your dc and the Godparents.
Anyone else is a bonus.
My father and stepmother didn't bother coming to dd's christening and the "do" after was in their garden (they chose to stay away).
MAke the most of the day and if MIL turns up then it sounds like it would take a great effort on her part,then all well and good.
If not,then DS won't notice and it shouldn't matter.
Enjoy the day for waht it is/means-not who is there or not.

meandmyflyingmachine · 16/08/2007 18:49

She hasn't even missed it, or said she will miss it, yet...

crokky · 16/08/2007 18:52

This is probably going to sound a bit flippant, but I mean it totally seriously. It sounds like you don't like her anyway, so if I were you, I'd be happy she isn't coming and have a great day without her and FIL. Your DS won't be aware and in the christening photos, he'll expect to see parents and godparents, who will be there.

Think of it as a bonus that MIL and FIL aren't coming! Tell them it's fine and not to worry about it. Oh and still speak to them, just only if you have to

whoops · 16/08/2007 18:54

My MIL didn't come to ds's batism because she was at a fishing competition he was her first Grandchild too. I was annoyed but didn't stop talking to her.
If it's due to ill health you can't really expect her to come out especially as there will be people she won't know too well

FluffyMummy123 · 16/08/2007 18:54

Message withdrawn

Troutpout · 16/08/2007 18:56

Aww..she's poorly lowfat...cut her some slack
It's ok to be dissapointed about them not coming btw...but not angry. She's ill

Troutpout · 16/08/2007 18:58

disappointed even

2shoes · 16/08/2007 21:34

my dad didn't get to dd's cristening as he had a bad back. I was very angry and disapointed at the time. but how coud he have come??
sounds like she has been ill for a while and think you should let her off.

Heated · 16/08/2007 21:42

If she's poorly, or thinks she is, she's hardly going to enliven the event. Cut her some slack, don't get worked up over it and enjoy the day with the key players, namely your lo, your dh & the g-ps.

TheDuchessOfNorksBride · 16/08/2007 22:07

Whoosh is right - this is about your own family. At my last DCs Christening all my in-laws were there (v. long drive) but my sister & her family went to watch a football match and my mother arrived 2 hours late claiming 'traffic' when several other people had come from the same village as her. But my DH & my DCs were there and we had a lovely day.

Always try to avoid falling out with in-laws, even the annoying ones!

mm22bys · 16/08/2007 22:43

YABU.

She hasn't said she isn't coming.

She is sick.

Even if she didn't come, is it that big a deal? Surely the baptism is for your son, you as his parents, the godparents and God / the Church?

You have a small family as it is, and you want to cut out the only grandparents your kids will have?

Give the woman some slack. If she can't come, maybe you can arrange to make it easier for them to see her grandchildren by going to see her?

LittleBellatrixLeBoot · 16/08/2007 22:46

LOL at Cod being mad and postnatal

Yes of course YABU. You are having your child welcomed into the community of Christians and you are threatening never to speak to his sick grandmother again if she doesn't come? What would Jesus do, d'you think?

Sorry to be facetious, but really....

smeeinit · 16/08/2007 22:53

i understand how you must be feeling and sympathise, BUT have you ever suffered from depression?
if your mil is depressed then it will be very hard for her to deal with along car journey and a big occasion where she will have to be all smiles.

Original poster
LowFatPumpkinJuice · 17/08/2007 09:09

Okay update. I have taken stock of what I am doing and in the big picture as pointed out by many of you I am being unreasonable and harsh. Not to mention risking ruining my DS day and forever more linking it with bad memories.

DONB - I suppose this could be about my own family, and them not being here, but I cant really blame them if they're passed away can I ?

Anyway, FIL has said he will be there no matter what, and MIL has asked how many people are coming and I think if its all people she has met before, which it is she is going to try to come.

In answer to the question about depresion, yes I have suffered with it, although not PND. But my experience was very different. Her seems to be worse when there are other people in the family in need, which has been alot recently - sort of attnetion seeking - "I'm worse than you" sort of thing. Which understandably puts a lot of presure on FIL, not to the rest of the family.

There is a long history of what MIL has done in the past which is why most of the time I find it very hard to step away and be the bigger person.

I must as much as I vent about what I would like to say to her on MN I have never acted on it. And I wont be this time as I am going to do my best to look at how she is now on it's own and not link it to past behaviour.

Thanks everyone for the much needed kick up the bottom.

OP posts:
margoandjerry · 17/08/2007 10:51

pumpkin, I actually thought you were being quite reasonable. Not in threatening never to speak to them again but in being annoyed. I would be especially annoyed with the FIL for playing golf instead!

However, I suppose I think everyone else is right. You've had some good posts on here and your response is a good one. Have a lovely day.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 17/08/2007 10:54

Good call, well done.

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