Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let them stay.

36 replies

Mummycrankypants · 27/10/2019 20:22

A few years ago my parents moved in with us this was due to my mum being diagnosed with a terminal illness which she has passed away from over the summer. It was a slow decline and she passed away peacefully at home.
Now my parents didnt have a loving relationship, more like a friendship/partnership they didnt get divorced as they are of a generation where you stay together unless there are problems (affairs, violence etc) but not being in love with each other isn't a reason for divorce.
Now since my mum has passed dad has met someone quite by chance and having been without someone to love and it being a very difficult few months has fully embraced his chance. I am really happy that hes has been given this chance to enjoy his remaining years. She lives a fair distance away so has already been to visit her. While he was up there an opportunity has come up for her to visit him here and he wants her to be able to come and stay with us for the weekend sometime soon. Now I told him before he left that while I am happy for him and would be willing to meet her that I would not be happy with her staying over for a few reasons 1) I've just lost my mum who was also my best friend I'm not ready for someone else to be here as I'm not ready to fully accept she has gone yet. I can still picture her being here and still talk to her as though she might be just behind me. 2) I have social anxiety to the point where I dont have any friends other than my husband and dad now that I dont have my mum. So someone I have never meet staying all weekend is totally overwhelming me. 3) I have small children which is many reasons in itself.
I asked for time and imagined meeting her over Christmas as we have family that live near ish to her and facetime a few times then have her stay with us around March/April when we have all got to know her better and I've fully grieved for mum.
Now because dad lives here and pays some rent/contributes to the bills he thinks I'm being unreasonable and that she should be allowed to stay.

OP posts:
Vulpine · 27/10/2019 20:26

No its way too soon! Yanbu

DonKeyshot · 27/10/2019 20:40

Imo your timescale is entirely reasonable, but I will say now that you'll never "fully grieve" for your dm as she was such an intrinsic part of your life and you clearly loved her very much.

Tell your dad that if he wishes his new love interest to stay he'll need to book a hotel as it's far too quick for you to see him with an ow, and that you won't be meeting her this time round but you hope to do so some time in the new year - I can't think of anything much worse than seeing one parent loved up at Christmas while the other parent is barely cold.

If he doesn't 'get it' he's an insensitive twat who doesn't deserve any consideration so don't pull any punches if you have to put him right.

Teachermaths · 27/10/2019 20:44

This is so tough OP and complicated by the fact your father lives with you. How does the living with you work, does he have his own areas in the house or just a room? Do you have rules about other visitors of your father's?

I understand why you don't feel ready to meet her. I also think having her stay isn't the best time to meet her either. However your father can't live 2 lives, she exists in his life and at some point you have to face that.

Would your father be able to move out?

summersherewishiwasnt · 27/10/2019 20:46

Yadnbu.
Whatever the time frame, your feelings in this situation trump his. He can rent somewhere else, an Airbnb ??
I wouldn’t want this. No way.

Sexnotgender · 27/10/2019 20:48

I’m sorry for the loss of your mum. You’re not being at all unreasonable.

SpookilyBadOooooooh · 27/10/2019 20:56

I’m Sorry about your mum🌷

Your Dad is being really insensitive. You’ve been really understanding of him meeting someone else, let alone SO soon, but inviting her into your home & your Mums bed is just beyond the pale.

It doesn’t matter what he pays for/doesn’t & yes it’s HIS home too, but it’s your home & youve list your Mum. Even if it was just a male friend sleeping in the sofa he shouldn’t be trying to force people on you, in your home, given your anxiety anyway, but on top of dealing with your mum having died it’s just a terrible, insensitive request

Don’t feel bad, you’ve been MORE than reasonable with your understanding & time frame!

Quitedrab · 27/10/2019 20:59

I'm actually a bit mad at your dad for suggesting this. He should understand that you're not okay with it. But maybe he's gone a bit weird with grief. I'm so sorry.

Witchinaditch · 27/10/2019 21:00

Way too soon, no way! You’re dad is being a bit insensitive you have both lost different people, him a partner and you a mum so your grieving process will be different. He can move on and meet someone else you will never have another mother, he needs to respect that. So sorry for your loss.

Witchinaditch · 27/10/2019 21:00

Your dad*

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2019 21:02

YANBU and I think you need to reevaluate your father living with you. With your mum having passed away, is it even necessary anymore?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2019 21:04

Wow. He’s being awful. I’m so sorry you’ve lost your mum. I can’t even imagine. Don’t feel bullied by him.

Sagradafamiliar · 27/10/2019 21:17

Any one of those reasons alone is more than understandable, all three combined and it's staggering that you've even been asked.
I'm sorry about your mum Thanks

Original poster
Mummycrankypants · 27/10/2019 21:17

Thanks for the replies. To answer a few questions dad just has a room so it's not like we can have a bit of distance that way. As for visitors its been just their close friends who I've grown up knowing and as we dont have any spare rooms it's just been for meals or for the afternoon so we just carry on as normal.
There are a few hotels close by, big chains ones as well so shouldnt be a problem getting one. We haven't had the chance to talk about it since he originally told me so it might be that I'm over thinking it and that when we do sit down and discuss it we can sort out her staying in a hotel and us moving towards a time where we are all happy with the situation.

OP posts:
Teachermaths · 27/10/2019 21:27

I think a hotel is a really reasonable compromise here. At least for the first few times she visits. Then you can choose how long to see her for etc. If your father only has a room it would definitely become awkward very quickly.

You could build up her visits, from meeting outside the home for a coffee, then a longer lunch, then a cuppa at your house etc until you are comfortable with her staying over.

Honeyroar · 27/10/2019 21:33

He's being ultra unreasonable by grumbling after you've explained your, very valid, reasons for not wanting him to have her stay in your house. Tell him if he can't understand, and he really wants her to stay at his place of residence he needs to think about moving out and finding his own place. It sounds as though that's actually true anyway. It was one thing him living with you with your mum, but now he's moving on its not really appropriate.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2019 21:35

I'm still wondering why your dad is continuing to live with you. You said your parents moved into your home due to her illness. Doesn't your father want his own space and privacy?

Drum2018 · 27/10/2019 21:43

I agree with others. YANBU not wanting this woman to stay in your home. Your father is being completely unreasonable and I would point out that if he is not happy living with you and respecting your wishes, then he can look for somewhere else.

Do not put a timeframe on allowing her to stay. You may never be ready to have her stay. You may not get on with her when you meet. So don't give your dad any hope that she may be welcome in March-April. And certainly don't put a timeframe on the grieving process - sadly that is continuous.

BlouseAndSkirt · 27/10/2019 21:55

Where were your parents living?

Did they give up a rented place?

He is all caught up in his new found euphoria. I think you need to gently but firmly say that you are happy to see him happy but that you need time to grieve before you are able to welcome another woman into the home your Mum shared.

And maybe it is time for him to live independently of you again.

PersonaNonGarter · 27/10/2019 21:58

YABU. I totally understand why but unfortunately this is his house and he needs to be able to live in it. Including have consenting adult relationships.

That said, he is being completely insensitive.

You need to decide: whose home is it? Your father needs to have his own home, whether that is with you or not with you, he needs his own space to live his life - without his daughter controlling it.

BumbleBeee69 · 27/10/2019 22:11

If it's that big an issue for your Dad, tell him to move out... sorted. Flowers

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 27/10/2019 22:19

I also agree with the others saying a hotel for the first few times she visits. If she's a decent person then she'll understand and your DF may have moved on himself however he has to start thinking about you too.

I'm sorry for your loss OP Flowers

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 27/10/2019 22:21

unfortunately this is his house

No it isn’t! It’s the OP’s house and he’s just renting a room. He doesn’t get to dictate decisions that impact negatively on the rest of the family, especially his grandchildren.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 27/10/2019 22:23

I was in a somewhat similar position.

By the time my older daughter was 10 my father had visited with his 3rd wife, then a fiancée and when that relationship failed a new girlfriend. My 10 year old was asking awkward questions and so I had an uncomfortable conversation with my Dad that unless he wanted to have a very blunt conversation with the 10 year old then we’d love to meet his new partner but would have to get to know her better before she was welcome to stay.

I think you are absolutely within your rights to stop her staying at the moment, especially so soon after the death of your Mum, but it won’t be easy . Good luck.

BlouseAndSkirt · 27/10/2019 22:24

Persona how on earth did you come to that conclusion? It’s in the OP and more details in later posts Confused

stucknoue · 27/10/2019 22:30

Hotel but invite her for dinner this time. Yes it's soon but your dad had grieved and moved on even before your mums death and older people don't wait about. If the meeting goes well this time perhaps next visit she can stay

Swipe left for the next trending thread