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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Invasion of privacy?

25 replies

Rainbowhairdontcare · 27/10/2019 19:52

In the grand scheme of things I don't give a toss but always like to have an ide of what's perceived as "acceptable".

Had our baby 4 days ago (born very late Tuesday). Anywho, DSCs came to visit on Friday. I was not the happiest on that day because DH has the worst timing skills but that's a different matter.

So their DM asks if she can come in, DH says "I don't mind" , she peeps through the door and says "are you ok?" Which I reply with the usual "not too bad, etc..". We obviously don't have the best relationship but I don't mind her 99% of the time just not someone who I'd like to be social with 48hrs after my csection.

DSC are here for a couple of hours, which again is all good and lovely. Then their DMs DP comes to pick them up. At that point I'm busy getting stuff ready for the steriliser, and here's the bit I'm slightly annoyed about but I don't think enough to bring it up... He's been at my home a few times now and I have NEVER been formally introduced to him, which is odd but so it goes. So, my DSD calls him in to show him some cool stuff my sister sent over to her. This is our home so the DSC are welcome to invite people in but maybe we should have rules of not letting the extended blended family in without asking us (the adults) first. I didn't get to see him, but as much as I know it's almost nobody's fault it felt like an invasion of privacy. I was in my PJs looking rubbish and in pain, I feel he should have said "maybe another day". But maybe I'm just over thinking it.

OP posts:

Pippa12 · 27/10/2019 21:10

Are you annoyed that your DH’s exes partner was invited into your house by your step children?

The person didn’t see you and he wasn’t in long? He probably didn’t want to upset DSC and dived in and out sharpish.

In the nicest possible way, I think this is a none issue.

Original poster

Rainbowhairdontcare · 27/10/2019 21:19

He didn't see me because I was almost hiding (we live in a very small house).
It's not the first time though, so I think maybe we should tell the DSC that they should ask us first if it's ok.

I think I'm more bothered that he's never said, "hello my name is X", yet I know he's been at my home a few times.

OP posts:

inwood · 27/10/2019 21:19

Your step children invited him in, you didn't see him and you still think it's an invasion of privacy? I think you're way over thinking it, sorry.

rottiemum88 · 27/10/2019 21:20

Maybe as it's your home instead of hiding you could introduce yourself to him? Just a thought...

Original poster

Rainbowhairdontcare · 27/10/2019 21:20

Oh and I was annoyed because I had been in labour for 5 days and had a 2hr c section because of complications. Feeling awkward was the least of the things I wanted to happen on that day

OP posts:

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 27/10/2019 21:22

How could he say hello and introduce himself if he didn’t see you?

Candle1000 · 27/10/2019 21:23

I’m with you Op, I was a step parent and used to do pick ups , I wouldn’t have dreamt of entering the house unless invited in by the step children’s mother.

Pippa12 · 27/10/2019 21:26

If he’s been in a few times your step children obviously think it’s ok, why haven’t you felt you’ve been able to introduce yourself the other times he’s been invited in? Has he come in and blanked/ignored you?

Original poster

Rainbowhairdontcare · 27/10/2019 21:28

Well they know I'm around. But this time I could have been expressing, I could have been in my dressing gown (like I was).

I think.maybe it's acceptable to not want to be seen 36hrs after major surgery.

OP posts:

GladAllOver · 27/10/2019 21:30

Of course it's acceptible to decide who visits. It's your choice and your DH should support you in that.

Winterdaysarehere · 27/10/2019 21:32

Try and be glad he is interested in the dsc... Congratulations on your baby. Ime most things irritate with lack of sleep!

Original poster

Rainbowhairdontcare · 27/10/2019 21:32

A couple of times he's ignored me. I tend to give everyone space but I can think of at least two times that their DM just popped her head in to say hello, but he never has. Even though he's been right there next to her.

OP posts:

Stephminx · 27/10/2019 21:33

I think you’re also being unreasonable.

You are an adult - the phrase you’re looking for is “hello my name is rainbowhairdontcare. We’ve not been properly introduced yet.” Although if he’s been in your home and you both know who each other is, do you need a formal introduction at this stage ? It’s not Victorian times...

And your house is also your DSC house. You got into a relationship and chose to live with / marry a man with kids. So your house becomes their house. That’s the way it works. It reads like you feel that your home is not your DSC home and they should treat it as though they are guests.

This man is their step dad to all intents and purposes, not some stranger to them, and they are excited about their new sibling, showing off etc... My first DD was pleased as punch when I brought my second home. It’s a nice thing they feel this way. Better than them being upset or feeling pushed out.

I can understand feeling a bit knackered / vulnerable post birth, but you could have made an appearance, apologised for the mess and said you were a bit knackered. Or asked your hubby to say you were busy / tired etc... if that’s what you wanted (he’s not a mind reader). You are an adult with a tongue in your head... speak up.

As PP said this guy was probably trying to keep the DSC happy even though he felt awkward, as he made his escape sharpish anyway.

Fail to see what harm was done here.

sleepylittlebunnies · 27/10/2019 21:36

I think it’s lovely that your DSC feel so comfortable to invite a parental figure into your home. I wouldn’t want to cause them to feel awkward in future by telling them they must ask.

I fully understand you feeling uncomfortable with their apparent intrusion though, particularly at 3 days post part I’m when I certainly was extremely hormonal and feeling at my worst. Your DH’s ex wife has now seen you looking your most knackered, but she has had babies herself so will have some empathy.

I think I would try and break the ice by acknowledging the partner by saying that you haven’t been properly introduced.

Beacauseisaidso · 27/10/2019 21:38

I totally understand your feelings; in saying that it's so good to hear that DSC are comfortable enough to invite important people in their lives into the home and see it as a non issue. Which from their POV is how it should be. Please don't change this for them OP, they will have to leave their new baby and go to another home which must be hard enough.
Congratulate your self on being the better parent!

Original poster

Rainbowhairdontcare · 27/10/2019 21:47

Oh no I truly believe this is their home and generally don't mind it as much as I find it odd.

I actually don't know how he looks like. I've only seen him once (,and it was his back from a distance).

I'm actually grateful to their DM as she understood the subtlety of the "I don't mind".

OP posts:

Pippa12 · 27/10/2019 21:55

I’m totally confused tho... if you’ve only seen him once from a distance, and today you were hiding, how has he had the opportunity to introduce himself? I’m not being inflammatory, just curious

Billie87 · 27/10/2019 21:58

I think you’re tired, sore and have a very new baby. It actually sounds like you’ve made a really welcoming safe space for your step children! You should be proud of yourself. They are happy and excited to invite people in that’s the main thing here. Maybe just say hello my name is .... next time he pops in and you’re feeling up to it. Perhaps he feels just as awkward as you 😂

KittyKel · 27/10/2019 22:01

How do people have time to overthink this shit immediately after having a baby?

Total non issue IMO but you do feel vulnerable after giving birth and with a newborn so maybe have a family conversation about which visitors are appropriate and when they can visit to avoid any similar situations.

Original poster

Rainbowhairdontcare · 27/10/2019 22:04

Because when they drop/collect the DSC it turns out he's been right outside, but I couldn't see him ( he could hear me though). Btw I'm fully aware I'm most likely being silly

OP posts:

saraclara · 27/10/2019 22:05

I don't get why you need to be formally introduced. Your step kids are kids. They don't get formality. Why didn't you just say "hi, I'm Rainbow, nice to meet you"? the first time he came to the house? Isn't that what adults normally do?

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 27/10/2019 22:07

But you weren’t at the door otherwise you’d have seen him? Again, how is supposed to introduce himself if he can’t see you.

You’re being ridiculous.

Thehop · 27/10/2019 22:09

I had a 5 day labour and EMCS with my 4th baby and it was hideous. I Remember thinking the dog was out to get me I was so tired and in so much pain.

Don’t say anything yet, just rest and recover.

And don’t express unless you have to on medical advice. Speak to a breastfeeding advisor, if you can.

Congratulations and good luck

Original poster

Rainbowhairdontcare · 27/10/2019 22:25

But he could hear me? But I think than itself is fairly silly.

It just didn't fell nice to have to go on hiding mode because I didn't want to be seen. (It's fairly open plan

I know the positive us that the DSC are comfortable enough to see this as their home and to be excited about their baby brother.

OP posts:

Pippa12 · 27/10/2019 22:50

Don’t worry op, the first few weeks of pp evokes weird and wonderful thoughts and feelings. Get some rest and feel super proud of your obvious step mum skills as your dsc sound totally relaxed and happy at their home with you. Take care

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