To ask how you would have responded

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So dh has a long term health condition which restricts what he can do. He works full time and can drive but finds physical stuff like cooking etc is difficult so I do it all. This puts pressure on the whole family. We have3 dc who tbf need to pull their weigh more although one has so sen which makes things difficult.
So I did an overnight marathon walk last weekend for a charity. It was of course my choice to do this.
The journey back last Sunday morning was by train and took 3 hours on no sleep.
I rang dh to tell him that I was nearly back at the station which is 1 and a half miles from home.
So the conversation went something like I slept for 9 hours but I am still tired so I am watching TV in bed. It must be because I have a cold.
At this point I was a bit wtf and didn't think I could ask for a lift. So I walked home.
Deep down I know this behaviour was selfish Or was it but wondering should I have just challenged it a the time.
For information I did get sleep during the day but still had to cook dinner that evening or it just wouldn’t have happened.
I am still feeling unsupported a week later tbh.
So is he selfish and how should zI have handled it.

I would have asked for a lift. I am further from station than you but would have said before I went I'm needing picked up thank you.

Yes I would have challenged that at the time in your case.

I don't think it's possible to judge really without knowing the extent of how much his health condition affects his ability to function

Without knowing how severe his health condition is, it's hard to say.

Does it really prevent him from cooking a simple and basic family dinner?

I would have asked him for a lift or just got a taxi but I wouldn't have walked it. Did you walk just to 'prove a point'?

With regards to feeling unsupported, it sounds as though you need a whole family chat about people mucking in.

He has arthritis which of course is a variable condition. He does get it in both major and smaller joints so has issues with his fingers and he still uses one or both crutch following hip replacement 5 months ago.
I think deep down I do wonder if he could do more as he rarely does things like help dd3 with homework which is something he could do.

I suppose I could have got a taxi but I suppose I feel that they are expensive and I was still able to walk although my legs were achy.
I walks to the station before the marathon.

Yes he should gave offered without being prompted but I think if you wanted a lift you should have cone out and said so. It's a bit passive aggressive to have walked when you are tired and achy.

I think from what you've said so far that you are giving him a tonne of consideration, compassion and leeway. Is he reciprocating? If you've just walked a marathon and he can drive / work ft I don't see why unless he's unable to come 5 mins down road to save your knackered self even more pain and suffering walking home! Surely if it's arthritis he would be more understanding of the pain your joints would be in.

Compassion and sacrifice goes both ways and I think here (based solely on your post info) he was being pretty selfish and unsupportive.

I have severe hypermobility, bone issues and loads of pain in my joints, I struggle to walk some days, fine others and also work ft and drive. If DH had walked a marathon and travelled home on no sleep I'd still have dragged my sore ass out, popped 13m baby in car for 5 mins and gone and got him from station with a sugary congratulatory treat in hand but that's just me 😂

Does arthritis make you too tired to pick your partner up from the station? If he’s really that bad, should he still be driving? And what job does he have that is manageable whilst cooking a pan of pasta is far too much?

Sounds a bit like you are being taken for a ride tbh.

OP you had a choice.

Ask for a lift, or not to ask for a lift, personally I think knew you were calling to be collected and already had his refusal planned. You have enabled this.

Yeah I suppose I do enable it. It is hard as I feel asking at that point would have ended in being told I can’t do it as I am too tired anyway.
Ironic telling your partner how tired they are when you had 9 hours sleep and they had none.
It just seems that it is impossible to question it as he has a medical condition but do wonder sometimes if he could do more.

do you attend his GP appointments with him ? I'm curious as to how he can hold down a full time job, but cannot take part in any house hold activities ? AND can drive...

call me suspicious OP... but

You very much can question someone who is acting in the way your DP is, it sounds like his disability is being abused as a convenient excuse to pick and choose what he feels like doing. That's not saying he isn't disabled and isn't often sore - just that he is, from what you say, picking and choosing when it applies in a pattern you clearly view as suspicious.

If he can work ft and drive, he can contribute to some housework and chores, I'd be sitting him down and listing the chores he CAN help with and offloading them accordingly. Homework as you mentioned is a good shout, there will be more.

pp mentioning visiting the next gp appt with him would be a good shout, then you could even call to pre-warn the gp you are coming and that you want to book a double appt to discuss 'how you can help DP' i.e. ask what he can do, oh you mean he can do X well that's interesting...

What does he do for a living? Surely whatever it is would involve using his hands to some extent? which would indicate he can cook a simple dinner, put something in the oven? How does he manage to hold the remote to turn the channels over on the TV? How did he manage to answer the phone? If he can do all that, I'm sure he could've come and picked you up OP. I think he was and is being v selfish.

"he rarely does things like help dd3 with homework which is something he could do."

That's important, because that shows he doesn't share everyday parenting tasks that are within his capabilities

He might have genuinely been too shattered that one particular night to pick you up,
but looking at the daily pattern, it sounds more like he opts out of everything he can push onto you

Sounds like he’s taking the piss a bit tbh

My aunt has terrible osteo-arthritis (requiring steroid injections and knee ops) to the point that the council built her a downstairs wet room and she sleeps downstairs. She keeps her house immaculate and does all the gardening and driving .

I’m not saying he can do all that but it sounds like he’s taking advantage of you OP.

He mentioned he was tired so that you wouldn’t ask for him a lift. He knows you well. I couldn’t live with someone so selfish.

Does arthritis make you too tired to pick your partner up from the station? Yes it can do. Some days I have no reserves of energy at all and even getting out of a chair is exhausting and painful.

If he’s really that bad, should he still be driving? I can drive better than I can walk, bend or lift. Totally different using your body when you are sat down as opposed to weight bearing.

And what job does he have that is manageable whilst cooking a pan of pasta is far too much? I work, but I struggle (and often can't) safely lift a pan of boiling water. Some days I drop everything I touch, and then can't clean or pick it up. At times I can't even hold a 2ltr bottle long enough to pour a drink. Peeling vegetables leads to hours of pain and opening packets is often impossible.

I can't speak for the OPs husband but wanted to answer your questions.

@nokidshere the issue is that he does nothing. He needs to help with what is manageable.

@Chloe84 I know that. As I said,I wasn't responding to OP just answering the other posters questions.