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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

7 hour phone call with the ex

42 replies

QuinoaSocks · 27/10/2019 17:53

Me and ex broke up last week due to unknown reasons. We argued over something minor. He's majorly stressed. It was kind of expected due to what's going on in his life, and he's prone to mood swings.

I suppose the breakup was very amicable. Very respectful, no shouting or swearing. Just him saying "I think we should be on our own". I missed him a lot over the week but respected his decision. He has quite bad mental health, very paranoid. He has PTSD and has in the past been very suspicious of others intentions. This is very bad at the minute and he is under a medication review.

Anyway. We had a week of no contact. He called me this morning at 10am. I've only just got off the phone. We spoke about how he was, how I was, and just general stuff for those 7 ish hours.

He said he'd speak to me later on tonight.

Aibu to think 7 hours is an excessive amount of time to speak to your ex if you didn't care about them?

We've never had a 7 hour phone call before ... What does it mean?? And how do I move forward from here ? I do want him back, but mostly I want to make sure he's okay

OP posts:

AfterSchoolWorry · 27/10/2019 21:00

A 7 hour phone call?

That's not normal or healthy.

SparklyShoesandTutus · 27/10/2019 21:06

Wow. Some really harsh comments on this thread. OP it sounds like you have both had a hard time of it recently. There is every chance that he ended it as he feels it would be better for you. The only way you will know is if you keep talking. Many people have mental health issues and at times it is hard to live with someone who is struggling with their mental health but this doesn't mean you should run in the opposite direction. It does mean that it may at times be difficult but the most important thing is to keep communication channels open and learn to listen to each other and be willing to give each other a little space and understanding at times. No matter what happens I wish you all the best

TheWernethWife · 27/10/2019 21:12

OP has said no children

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/10/2019 21:15

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GruciusMalfoy · 27/10/2019 21:18

Aibu to think 7 hours is an excessive amount of time to speak to your ex if you didn't care about them?

You're absolutely not unreasonable to think a 7 hour phone call is excessive. But I'm not sure I'd think it meant that he still cares, or that he is in the right place for a relationship. I'd really be seeing it as showing me it wasn't a relationship I wanted to continue.

KylieKoKo · 27/10/2019 21:35

You only split up very recently. I don't think it's that unusual to want to talk to each other. In real life break ups are messy and you still feel tied to the person for while after a split

Honeyroar · 27/10/2019 21:40

In those seven hours, didn't you ever discuss whether he wants to get back together? I'm quite surprised that you don't know where you stand after such a long conversation. That's a bit of a red flag really.

Cryalot2 · 27/10/2019 22:13

You both sound as though you are friends and obviously you need a face to face chat.
Would you both consider a councillor so you can talk through what you both want .
It will help see if you can have a future or for you to have closure.

VenusTiger · 27/10/2019 23:52

@QuinoaSocks sorry if that came across as a bit mean on your ex, it wasn’t meant to. I was in a similar situation many years ago, not the same but similar, and I couldn’t let go. I just wanted to be frank and also remind you to look after yourself too in all of this, it’s hard to remember that when you’re helping a loved one through life, you can forget yourself.

RightYesButNo · 28/10/2019 00:46

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Cantrememberpassword · 28/10/2019 00:53

The long call probably meant that he was lonely and had a spare seven hours. If he cared for you he would see you face to face. He is using you.

Original poster

QuinoaSocks · 28/10/2019 11:01

I suppose he could be using me yes. Maybe I am being naïve, but if someone wanted just to pass the time, surely they wouldn't spend 7 hours on the phone?

Also, the breakup wasn't mentioned at all. There was nothing stopping him from just texting me asking me to pick my stuff up from the house.

He's done a complete 180 from being cold and dismissive during the breakup and days after to a 7 hour phone call.

I guess I am being naïve and maybe too understanding of his MH needs. But to me, you can't just speak to any old person for 7 hours.

OP posts:

Original poster

QuinoaSocks · 28/10/2019 11:03

And, he declined an invite to a social event because he knew we would be speaking yesterday. Surely if he was just lonely he would have gone to that instead of speaking to me?

OP posts:

PralineCookies · 28/10/2019 11:04

I couldn't speak to anyone on the phone for seven hours. That's far from healthy.

fishonabicycle · 28/10/2019 11:25

Stay away for at least a month. He sounds very hard work

RightYesButNo · 28/10/2019 11:36

I think the biggest question you need to ask yourself, OP, is: does this resolve why we broke up?

You don’t mention the exact reason for the break up, and you’re saying in seven hours, he managed not to bring it up at all and neither did you. That’s not healthy either; it’s avoidance. So nothing is resolved at all, and whatever reason you broke up could easily rear its head again the second you got back together.

Get your stuff back. Be completely broken up. Allow him to go through his medical review and get through his MH problems (without using you as a therapist). @fishonabicycle has a good idea about not talking for a month. Only then would I talk about seeing if the relationship could work. Don’t do it because he has your stuff or the feelings are still fresh or because he talked to you for seven hours or... any other intertwined reason. Otherwise, you’re going to end up in an on-off relationship based on his mental health ups and downs that could go on for years.

Original poster

QuinoaSocks · 28/10/2019 15:58

What is "unhealthy" about it. It's not like we do it everyday. We haven't spoken for nearly 2 weeks, obviously a lot to talk about.

It was over the phone because we live a fair way from one another. It wouldn't be weird/unhealthy if we met up - but we couldn't do that this weekend.

All the one line comments of how unhealthy it is, what are you hoping to achieve? Make me feel worse than I already do?

I've used MN for a while now, and I have to agree with a recent thread that has appeared on AIBU that it now resembles mean girls and there's such a pack mentality to make the OP feel shit, with NO constructive advice/explanation at all.

That thread is right in saying that people come to this site because they are hopeless or feel they have no one else to talk to.

I guess people who genuinely need help will stop posting here because it's horrible.

Thank you to the posters who posted constructive advice, I will take it on board.

OP posts:

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