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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In love with a gay man

26 replies

Billiboo · 27/10/2019 12:24

I met a gay man back in February. He’s so lovely. When we’re together we really enjoy each other’s company and get on so well. I’m pretty sure he flirts with me and I’ve caught him looking at me in a funny way a few times. Maybe it’s just my imagination though because I have fallen in love with him. I know it can’t go anywhere which is sad because I’m just about done with a relationship where I’ve been treated rather poorly and he would make me sooo happy. Has anyone else ever had feelings for a gay man and what did you do about them?

OP posts:
FourEyesGood · 27/10/2019 12:26

I had the same problem many years ago. I dealt with it in the same way as I’ve got over any other unrequited love: booze and time.

Original poster
Billiboo · 27/10/2019 12:30

@FourEyesGood Did you ever tell him of your feelings? I keep wondering and hoping if mine might at least be bisexual but only dated men. I really think of him every minute of the day. It’s seriously hard work.

OP posts:
NovoJester · 27/10/2019 12:31

Hmmm slightly different but I had a lovely partner until I found he had men on his tinder account. It ended our relationship and I am still very much in love with him. He’s now had a couple of years to “find himself” and has decided he’s bisexual. I have no fucking idea what to do but I regret telling my family about the tinder because I think it means we will never be able to rekindle our relationship.

FourEyesGood · 27/10/2019 12:34

Did you ever tell him of your feelings?

I never tell anyone of my feelings! Blush

gwackywacky · 27/10/2019 12:36

Some people are just naturally flirty OP, they barely see flirting as a prelude to romance or sex, just a fun way of interacting

Pinkbonbon · 27/10/2019 12:39

I guess at least you know that if he isn't into you, it's because he is gay. I had a massive crush on a guy for a good three years, the last of which we became very chummy. I asked him out and he shot me down, no explanation and I was heartbroken.

A few years later he came out as gay. I wish he had trusted me enough to tell me at the time. But maybe he wasn't sure himself.

I think maybe you have to work on changing the love you have for him into a different kind of love. Might be tough but, maybe easier than the alternative of cutting him from your life.

Original poster
Billiboo · 27/10/2019 12:44

Thank you for your replies. Sometimes the way he looks at me though and the way he singles me out (in a good way). He’s always generous with the compliments too. I just love him Sad I would take a step away to evaluate my feelings but i know him in a work capacity so no chance of that. All weekend all I’ve thought about is him. Nothing else. I’m like a bloody love sick teenager and I’m getting so fed up of it!

OP posts:
carrots555 · 27/10/2019 12:48

I think you have to realise he is 'out of bounds' in the same way he'd be if married to another lady.

I've been in your shoes myself, many years ago now, and it passed with a little time.

I'm sorry - there is no magic fix.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 27/10/2019 13:30

I'm sorry to burst your bubble but I have a lot of gay male friends and quite a few of them do "flirt" with women but they do it purely because it's fun to flirt, absolutely no indication of any romantic or sexual feelings. In your position I would distance myself from him completely. Pretending to be friends with this man when you're actually in love with him isn't fair to either of you and is unlikely to end well.

Michaelbaubles · 27/10/2019 13:32

I have a gay friend at work and we flirt with each other a bit but there’s definitely no sexual attraction there on either side! He’s not my type even if he were straight but he’s lovely at giving compliments and saying nice things (but also likes them in return). It’s fun but if I were single and/or lonely I can see how it might develop into a crush.

MrsMaiselsMuff · 27/10/2019 13:36

How does your boyfriend feel about this?

Original poster
Billiboo · 27/10/2019 13:41

My boyfriend, @MrsMaiselsMuff is not a great boyfriend, he doesn’t care for me very much which is why I am in the process of ending things. Thanks for asking.

OP posts:
MrsMaiselsMuff · 27/10/2019 13:45

You need to end your relationship before attempting to pursue things with your gay friend. But be prepared for that to go nowhere, he's not going to suddenly become straight just for you.

joyfullittlehippo · 27/10/2019 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2019 13:48

You are not in love with him, fgs. You are simply projecting your wants on a man who treats you kindly and gives you positive attention. You are consumed with the fantasy of a relationship with him/someone like him. That is not love.

Original poster
Billiboo · 27/10/2019 13:48

I’m not going to embarrass myself or him @Mrsmaisie. Unfortunately I’m just going to have to get over myself and quick!

OP posts:
Original poster
Billiboo · 27/10/2019 13:54

@Aquamarine1029 do you not think I’m old enough to know what love is? You don’t know of the background this man and I have and what has happened for me to love him so please don’t be a dick.

OP posts:
Gingaaarghpussy · 27/10/2019 14:09

Maybe you see him as safe? Because deep down in your soul you know it ain't happening, plus your boyfriend is an arse.
Weird how the mind works.

GrimDamnFanjo · 27/10/2019 14:14

I've had the rather odd experience of being a "girlfriend" for no less than 3 gay men!
We were all very young and all said that they were checking whether they really were gay or not!
I think that some gay men connect with women as they feel they can be themselves in the friendships.
I'd concentrate on the friendship as this could be a really close relationship for you both moving forwards.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 27/10/2019 14:16

@Aquamarine1029 do you not think I’m old enough to know what love is?

In fairness, we have no idea what age you are. You could be 19 for all we know. And you do seem to be a classic case of falling for someone who treats you well, when your boyfriend doesn't. But you know best!

Morosou · 27/10/2019 17:55

I have a gay friend at work and I adore him. He's so kind, calm and incredibly funny. He's exactly my type too, sadly.
I'm planning to leave my job soon and I will miss him so much.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 27/10/2019 18:00

I agree with @Aquamarine1029.

You might be reading too much into the looks and flirting. He's gay, it's not going to go anywhere. I hope you find yourself someone who makes you happy OP.

CatsOnCatnip · 27/10/2019 18:06

As a teen. Not sure that counts? We experimented (it didn’t go well) he started ignoring me and I ended up sending him an email declaring my undying love. We became friends again a year later, but I then witnessed him kissing a mutual friend and It was still heartbreaking. Those teen years were confusing enough, I definitely would avoid it now.

AnyFucker · 27/10/2019 18:11

Well, this is a variation on the "crush on unavailable man" schtick, I suppose

Original poster
Billiboo · 27/10/2019 19:03

Thanks for your replies. I’m not going to do anything about it. Just going to have to try so, so hard to get over myself. He’s lovely though. Not the good looking type, but he has a wonderful, caring personality. Oh no, I just need a few weeks away from him but not possible with work. Ha, trust me to fall for the unavailable!!!

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