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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want second hand baby items?

28 replies

Mrsmememe · 27/10/2019 08:09

Prepared for a bashing here.
Short version of situation.
Bit if an age gap since the last 2 and this is husbands first child, my 3rd.
I have a form of OCD which means I have a real issue with hygiene.
Anyway, as this will be our last baby we really want to enjoy being able to buy things for it, basically doing all the stuff I wasn’t able to the first couple of times. Not just buying tings but doing things how we want without anyone telling us what we should and shouldn’t be doing.
I’ve already had a few friends and relatives saying ‘oh I’ve got loads of stuff for a baby, I’ll give it to you’.
Now usually I am so unsubtle it gets me in trouble, so am I being really mean to just say thanks for that but we are ok, we have what we need?
I have already said that to a few and they’ve been like ‘well, I’ll give you it anyway just in case’.
I genuinely have to stop myself saying ‘please, just take it to charity, I don’t want or need it’.
I know I’m probably being really ungrateful but I hit the anger point this week when a friend said I was mad for buying the baby new bottles and she genuinely was astounded as to why I wouldn’t buy some second hand ones off the local selling pages!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrsmememe · 27/10/2019 08:11

To add yes I could just accept it and take to charity myself but it gets my back up that people just want to dump stuff on me and make more work for me.

OP posts:

Blurby · 27/10/2019 08:15

Life is too short and you're entitled to enjoy the experience, so just be politely honest and buy your new bundle what you like.

lazylinguist · 27/10/2019 08:15

They don't 'want to dump stuff on you', they are trying to be helpful. I'm normally a bit at people being sniffy about second-hand, but in your case you have a perfectly valid reason not to want it. Either tell them what your real problem with it is, or just be a bit more insistent about not taking it!

Jimdandy · 27/10/2019 08:26

I completely agree. Even when you are very honest/abrupt about it people still insist on dumping their stuff on you.

I did buy some second hand large ticket items for my baby (cot, Moses basket, bouncy chair) but I do not like or want second hand clothes. Cue several friends saying I’ve got loads of clothes if you want to buy anything. Me: no matter thanks I’ve got loads already. Then it was I’ve got bags of clothes I’ll bring them around for you. Me: thanks but we’ve got loads already, I don’t need anymore so give them to someone else or charity shop.

Friend turns up with bags of clothes. Me: thanks but we’re ok ive got loads. Her: I’ll just leave them here for if you change your mind.

Me: fills up my own wheelie bin with their stained bobbly fares they cannot bring themselves to through out.

Seeleyboo · 27/10/2019 08:41

I know how you feel OP. I am like you and I have been bashed for not wanting anything second hand. In the end I just show gratitude and accept everything then donate to the local women's refuge.

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/10/2019 09:40

Me: fills up my own wheelie bin with their stained bobbly fares they cannot bring themselves to through out.

We have real problems with climate change and everyone is being urged to recycle. You don't want to participate, but there's no need to be snippy about people who don't want to throw out clothes that have had only a few months wear.

ArtistOfTheFloatingWorld · 27/10/2019 09:50

I think you're lucky people are offering you things. Have you looked at them? Are they to your taste? Are they good quality? In reality these things have only been used for a short period of time, buying new can be so wasteful, both environmentally and financially. I'm not sure why you'd reject the offer so readily.

it gets my back up that people just want to dump stuff on me and make more work for me

That's mean. Why make this assumption? Has it occurred to you people may want to be kind and helpful?

CheerioGirl · 27/10/2019 09:54

I understand Op, I was the same it’s exciting to buy new things for your baby & a lovely experience especially if you didn’t get it the first time round. DH has told me to keep our babies things to reuse when we have more I smile & agree but I have no intention of using them again

custardcreamthief · 27/10/2019 09:56

I had this with a relative, and most of the time I'm happy to buy second hand - but I'm still picky. Relative would bring round the biggest load of shit, most of it kept in the garage where she smoked, so covered in nicotine grease.

bridgetreilly · 27/10/2019 10:06

People aren't trying to dump stuff, they are being generous and helpful. Even if you would prefer not to use the things, try to at least see that from their perspective.

Oysterbabe · 27/10/2019 10:10

I like getting new stuff for mine too and then sell it on.

AJPTaylor · 27/10/2019 10:14

You just need to say
" we are getting huge pleasure from buying everything the baby needs."
I get you. With dd1 and2 I had second hand everything and was grateful. I happily swapped/past on stuff.
With dd3 13 years later I took great pleasure in buying stuff new. I politely refused all offers but again took pleasure in giving the stuff to others once we had done.

rwalker · 27/10/2019 10:15

It's up to you some 2nd hands stuff ok only use it for a very short time. With dishwashers sterilisers and things available nowadays hygiene is not a problem.
TBH this is why the planet will be fucked because we are all so wasteful and look at everything as disposable.

Queenoftheashes · 27/10/2019 10:16

Just say you’ve bought everything and don’t have any room for anything else so they can’t just leave it there “just in case”

sclough · 27/10/2019 10:22

I totally understand where you are coming from. Suggest that they donate to Charity or to a local Women's Refuge . They will be grateful for them.

SarahTancredi · 27/10/2019 10:23

You are kind of being both.

There is a fine line sometimes between people being genuinely generous and dumping stuff their stuff on you to save them a trip to the tip.

I'm not particularly fussy and happily took some hand me down. The clothes were better quality back then and wash and dried well and lasted. Its silly not to have nicer better quality clothes and save yourself spending out on shit. Plus it's betterfor the environment.

But I've also been given stuff that's rubbish dirty or broken or with bits missing or that's not exactly what you needed but too close to it to justify spending out more money on what it really was you wanted/needed so then you have to make do and that can be a bit miserable.

I think you will just have to be blunt tbh. Say you have no room to store it cos when you have to keep all this stuff that diesnt fot yet or is too old for them to play with the clutter while it sits around can do your head in.

Minai · 27/10/2019 10:30

I don’t mind second hand clothes when I get them myself. I can have a look at the condition in a charity shop and choose the ones I like and that look in good condition. I really don’t like it when people dump giant bin bags of second hand stuff on you. Sometimes it is genuinely trying to be helpful but a lot of the time it is people getting rid of stuff that is not anywhere near a good or clean condition, covered in stains and holes and smell musty and damp.

Part of the fun of having a baby is choosing your own things for them, especially if it’s your last baby. Yanbu op.

PicaK · 27/10/2019 10:38

Do your mates ever compromise for your ocd? Have they been kind and supportive in the past? Maybe just take the stuff now, thank them profusely, check they don't want it back and quietly charity shop it.
People often get quite attached to the stuff belonging to the last baby. It's emotionally quite hard to sell it or take to a charity shop. It's a lot easier to give it to someone who you are delighted for and you know will love their baby as much as you loved yours.
I've been on the receiving end and am just looking forlornly at my pram that's now no longer of any use wishing we had someone I care about to give it to.
But I voted yanbu because you're not. But sometimes it does not hurt to be kind and dissemble a little.

katewhinesalot · 27/10/2019 10:41

Just say that you don't want them and ask them to give them to someone who would appreciate them. This is such a non problem that if it actually is for you, then you need to work on your assertiveness.

notthemum · 27/10/2019 10:45

I do get all these people thinking that they are helping.
When I had my child many years ago I had no choice but to accept second hand things. But when my dad had her own baby I made sure that she had everything new. I got vouchers from Mothercare every week so when baby arrived DD could choose what she wanted.
Try to be polite if you can but be firm
"No thank you, we are buying every thing new and will not be accepting any previously used items.
But thanks so much".

Crazybunnylady123 · 27/10/2019 10:57

I have kept all my dd’s clothes which are still looking nice hopefully to use again myself or pass to my dbro. Also have the Moses basket and cot bedding, play gym etc. I will ask my brother to come and take what he wants and the rest I will sell on/gift.
I think if my baby’s clothes were just passed on by my brother’s partner I would rather keep them. They mean something to me, but I’d like my brother to benefit. I don’t mind hand me down coats, jumpers etc from other family. I think it’s thoughtful and good for the environment.

yikesanotherbooboo · 27/10/2019 11:08

OCD is a significant condition and more than enough reason to want to buy new for your baby. Just explain. Your friends are being kind and generous and probably have lovely memories of their own DC using the items so wish them to be used by more children. It's quite normal to have second hand , anything else is wasteful of money and materials but in your case I am sure anyone would understand.
Best of luck.

Wheat2Harvest · 27/10/2019 11:08

There are some very wealthy people in my village and I was more than grateful for all the posh and stylish baby clothes that were 'dumped' on me!

Surely if things have been washed the dirt has gone? And new things would have been handled by the manufacturer, machinist, distributor and shop staff, who might not have washed their hands after going to the loo? But it's your choice and if you don't want secondhand there are others who will be grateful for it.

Daffodil2018 · 27/10/2019 11:19

All you need to do is say "thanks but we've got everything we need, why don't you put it on Freecycle?". Just repeat again and again until they get the message.

Original poster

Mrsmememe · 27/10/2019 11:54

Thanks for the replies all.
I am usually known as being very outspoken and don’t have an issue telling people how it is but I feel like I have to be a bit considerate to their feelings.
I am just going to be strong and say ‘thank you that’s kind but we have everything we need, it would be better to give it to someone who would make good use of it’.

Then if they ignore that I’m gonna say ‘oh we’ve got one just the same as that, thanks anyway’

OP posts:

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