AIBU to completely blank him?

[Balloondog]

Family member has recently confided in me that their partner has been cheating on them for the last 12 months. Think tinder hook ups every few days when my relative is away for work. This isn't the first time in a 14 year relationship, in fact when similar occurred 9 years ago my relative stayed with me for a couple of months but eventually went back and they seemed to have moved past it.

My family member has VERY low self confidence and over a number of years this has been further eroded by their partner. Due to this and some complicated financial arrangements they have decided to stay living together until January when their current rental contract should end.

It's all quite horrid and we're all doing all we can to support and encourage them til they have the strength to leave.

However, tomorrow DH and I are due to have lunch with the couple and my relative still wants to go ahead with this (they've travelled incredibly far which was why we were meeting them in the first place so I don't feel we can cancel) as they're still living in the same house 'amicably' for now. I, on the other hand, will struggle to even look the cheating scumbag in the eye, never mind make small talk.

So AIBU to just ignore this man and completely blank him tomorrow? I'm not planning to make a scene but equally I can't stand the sight of him right now knowing what he's done and have no desire for him to think his behaviour is in any way acceptable to me. If anyone has any better, more adult suggestions of how to behave appropriately I'm all ears, as at the moment I'm just seeing red.

I’m not someone who can pretend things are all fine towards fully grown adults, TBH. The partner can fuck right off, why should you have to keep the peace for their benefit? If they were genuinely ashamed, then they would make themselves scarce anyway.

See that's exactly how I feel @theWarOnPeace, this will be the first time we see/speak to the cheating party since it all kicked off and it feels like there's not a hint of remorse.

Anyone else?

Oh gawd.
Had this with bil.
His bitch of a wife told him after less than a year of marriage that she didn't love him.
There was someone else, of course. A friend of bil, actually.
He did the "pick me" dance for quite a while which was honestly sickening to watch.
We had to just pretend all was well.
It was excrutiating.
But we did it because we love bil and that's what he needed/wanted at that time.
It wasn't for thundercunt sil!!
(They split eventually and bil now happy btw!)

This is really tough. By rights he should excuse himself, but I don’t imagine that’s going to happen. Provided your family member is ‘content’ With the situation I would respect her wishes and have a polite and civil lunch. Blanking him will not change anything and will just make for an unpleasant few hours. It sounds like he has already been a scumbag regardless of the cheating - would it be possible to invite her out for lunch alone?

Whilst I much prefer @theWarOnPeace's answer I suspect deep down that being civil is unfortunately what is going to have to happen simply to support and respect what family member wants Can't say it doesn't make me sick though.

Be civil. Not for the cheat but for your relative. But make it plain they are the one you are really interested in.

I'd take him to one side, or whilst she goes to the loo or something and tell him straight how you feel and that you're being civil for your family member, he's an arsehole user shitbag - I wouldn't hold back

I wouldn't bend over backwards for him but your relative is the one who is going to come away from this upset, not him. He is clearly shameless, whilst she wants to keep up an image of unity for the time being, and stay dignified.
He will also use the encounter against her if there's open hostility. 'Look how your fucking family treat me, I can't wait to get away from you all, you've driven me to this with your snotty relatives' or 'I don't want you seeing family member again as they disrespect me, if you want me in your life then cut them out'. Sorry. It's a tough one.

Why have they made the trip together? Is she attempting to keep hold of her relationship? If not, Id suggest he does other things whilst you have dinner. If she is, I'd find a way, early on, to tell him exactly what I think of his, then feign politeness infront of everyone else and watch him squirm.

Don't confront him. Don't blank him. Your role here is to support your relative and that includes going to this occasion as that is what they wish. Knowing that they have family support may eventually empower them to leave. Equally it may not, but you'll have sent out a message and what they choose to do with it is up to them.

As for the cheater, yes he may take it as tacit acceptance but do you care what he thinks about you? You know he's an arsehole so you can safely discount his views on anything including what he thinks of you.

Do it for your relative. Even if the partner doesn't know that's why you're there (although presumably they'll be able to work it out) you do, and that's all that matters.

I've got a family relative who there is a lot of history with. I can't stand them. However, they're family, and it's not up to me to make that choice, and they're invited to family gatherings. I'm civil but I'm not effusive, I do not go out of my way to interact or converse with them. But if I can't avoid it, I speak civilly when spoken to and put up with their ghastly 'sense of humour' without killing them. I also tend to have a glass of wine at my gob rather frequently so I can't blurt out what I'm really thinking!

Agree with the two PP who said be civil - it’s all you can do if he’s coming.

How did you get in @Balloondog

*on not in

It’s not about you. You should do what is kindest for your relative.

I cannot play the game. I have a terrible poker face and I just can't be nicey nicey with people who've behaved so despicably.

So I would just aim to keep away from the offending party, and if they make a point of speaking to me (which he probably will, he clearly doesn't give a shit) then I would tell him I do not want to talk to him as he's hurt my family so badly. I'm not his friend, I owe him only the barest motions of politeness to save my family member's feelings.

If I could extricate myself from the conversation before all that became necessary, I would. I don't actually enjoy confrontation, but it's hard to hold my tongue with arseholes like this.

Thanks all for asking. It went reasonably well all things considered, it was just the 4 of us so nowhere to hide. I was polite and courteous but couldn't meet his eye so he definitely knew something was up. I had a couple of hours alone with my relative (who said thank you for not rocking the boat) after the lunch so I really got a chance to listen and be supportive. DH joined us later again (after the football!) and reiterated that we're here and supportive no matter what so hopefully that helped and the long road out of this mess has begun.