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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think just because he’s younger than DD it doesn’t mean it’s not bullying?

50 replies

TheFallenCamal · 26/10/2019 22:11

Bit of a situation with school and want people’s views.

DD is 5, in year 1. There is a little boy in Reception she went to a private Nursery with. Nursery ended up separating DD from him as he seemed to just target her all the time, pulling her hair, scratching at her face, deliberately ripping up her drawings etc. Nursery assured me that DD was not the problem, her behaviour was fine and she never retaliated, they ended up separating the class into two groups by age, so the ones who were leaving for school were in one room and the ones who were staying another year in another, DD obviously being in the older group. There were occasional incidences at Nursery where the groups where mixed due to staffing issues but generally they were kept separate and if they were mixed DD and this boy where kept apart.

DD is really happy at school we’ve had no problems. But at play and lunchtimes the Reception class has use of the Key Stage 1 playground so DD and this boy are together again. I didn’t think anything of it thinking having a year apart would have meant he’d forgotten her.

Obviously not as I’ve been called twice this half term and heard about several other incidences from DD and her friends all involving this boy very clearly targeting DD.

So far he’s;

Walked up to DD who was sat on a bench with her friend and pulled at her jumper hard enough to scare her as it tight was round her neck as he pulled* (I was called about this one)
Pulled her hair while she was eating her lunch
Deliberately stamped on her foot when a ball he was playing with came too close to DD – I’ve been told by the house captain (year 5 child) who was on the playground at the time that DD just ignored the ball but he came up to her and stamped on her anyway
Pinched her cheek hard enough to mark her (I was called about this one)
Scratched at her face

I have been told that everytime DD has done nothing wrong, and this boy is targeting her. DD never retaliates although she does get upset by it. DD says he seems to come up to her for no apparent reason. Other children, not just from DDs class or Reception but children from Year 2 and also the house captains from years 5 and 6 have told me they’ve seen this boy (and named him) come up to DD and seeming just hurt for no reason.

School have told me it’s not bullying because he’s younger than DD. They have said DD appears to not be doing anything to upset him, but it’s not bullying because she's in Year 1 and him in Reception.

We are on half term now but I am going back into school after half term to discuss this. And wanted others opinions on whether AIBU to think it’s bullying? And if it what can I reasonably expect school to do about it? I do not want DD kept in at playtime and lunchtimes as she enjoys the outside and playing with her friends.

*For added context and to prevent drip feeding DD witnessed her dad attack me on many occasions when we were together, I am no longer with him and we’re both happier but DD may have been scared that similar was happening to her

**Even more context the only reason Nursery could find for this boy targeting DD was that his mum was DDs keyworker for a year when she was in the toddler room, she left when DD was in preschool but left her DC in the Nursery, DD sometimes would run to her for a hug when came to get her son and the Nursery thought he might be jealous but I don’t see how that translates to him bullying her at school

OP posts:

RandomMess · 26/10/2019 23:40

School are being ridiculous of course it's bullying!

LimeTreeGrove · 26/10/2019 23:51

Put the list of ways he has hurt your child in writing and ask them how they are going to keep her safe

Londonmummy66 · 26/10/2019 23:51

My younger brother used to beat the shit out of me - my parents never thought it was a problem as he was the youngest even when he was 5 inches and a stone and a half bigger than me....

Of course it is bullying and the school need to be called out on it

Heartofglass12345 · 26/10/2019 23:57

I would write to the governors they can't ignore it then. I would call him a bully, and he should have consequences. My 3 year old knows this sort of behaviour is wrong so a reception child should most definitely have consequences!

Sceptre86 · 27/10/2019 07:54

I don't care that he is younger than her, he is hurting her and that needs to be dealt with. All this is teaching your dd is that the adults around her are not helping her when she gets hurt which may lead to her thinking this little boys behaviour is ok. It bloody well isn't. I would definitely go into school and address it as they are failing to keep her safe, I actually feel quite upset for your daughter reading this.

Welshrainbow · 27/10/2019 08:27

The school are being ridiculous to say it isn’t bullying because he is younger! That said however I wouldn’t call it bullying in this case, it sounds like there is something else going on with the boy.
I hope the school are not issuing such ridiculous statements to avoid dealing with the issue however. Your poor DD has been repeatedly attacked physically and they need to safeguard her which so far they have failed to do. I would email for an appointment with the head and ask how they plan to safeguard her moving forward. I’d you are not satisfied that they have a coherent strategy in place for doing so I would write again and include the governors. Don’t let them fob you off by telling you DD can spend break times etc in library away from the boy. She shouldn’t have to be isolated from her friends because it is the easier option for them. They need to make sure the boy has 1:1 supervision in the playground. I personally wouldn’t be happy with anything less than that.

Original poster

TheFallenCamal · 27/10/2019 11:00

Thank you everyone, definitely don't want her isolated and inside at play and lunchtime. Will definitely make that clear, and keep fighting until they do something about it.

Have written out a letter for the head this morning so will hand it to her directly as she's generally on the gates at the end of the day.#

I agree the boy needs to be kept away from DD somehow but I don't really care how that's done as long as she's kept safe and not punished for it by being kept in etc. I don't mind her occasionally being kept in but that needs to be up to her, not the head.

OP posts:

PullingMySocksUp · 27/10/2019 11:02

I agree that you need to push the ‘safeguarding’ angle.

SarahTancredi · 27/10/2019 11:07

Of course hes bullying her. And if they continue to let him bully her on the pretence hes younger so hes not bullying her then hes going to end up seriously hurting her . What happens when hes in yr 5 and twice her size?

autumnboys · 27/10/2019 11:11

I’m sure you did already, but outline clearly the history from nursery when you write, so they can’t claim they didn’t understand that this is continuation of old behaviour and not something new.

KTheGrey · 27/10/2019 11:13

Also the fact that other students have commented on it and dislike it reflects very poorly on the school. What do they think they are teaching them? There should be a safeguarding plan and it should keep your DD safe from assault. Anything else and it goes to the governors.

Nicolamarlow1 · 27/10/2019 11:14

It is definitely bullying and the school needs to take appropriate action to keep your DD safe. My DGD went through the same thing, except that this time the bully was a girl in her class. The school sorted it out, the bully was very closely supervised during break times and was not allowed to approach my DGD. This is what the school should be putting in place.

GreenTulips · 27/10/2019 11:18

Get a copy of the complaints procedure and quote it in your letter or email.

It should say about bullying and what the schools plan of action will be - for example are his parents informed of every event? Is there a log of all incidents taking place? Etc

Original poster

TheFallenCamal · 27/10/2019 11:33

Is there a log of all incidents taking place?

There is some sort of log of things like the jumper pulling and scratching as she comes out with an incident form, obviously no names used on ours but DD and/or other children tell me what happened.

OP posts:

Spikeyball · 27/10/2019 11:55

Him being younger is irrelevant. Ds's learning difficulties mean that children half his age could potentially bully him.
Whether or not the school call it bullying and whatever the reasons for it, they should be keeping your daughter safe and it is also not in the boy's interests to allow things to continue as they are.

Lizzie0869 · 27/10/2019 13:40

My DD2 (7) is well capable of bullying DD1 (10). As she's NT, she can run rings around DD1, who has SEN and attachment issues. So the school are being completely ridiculous and need to be held to account.

Paperdaisies · 27/10/2019 13:54

My daughter had a similar issue in yr 1, with a boy she had been to private nursery with. It was becoming unbearable for her. I had a long chat with her about how his behaviour was very wrong and normally ignoring it or walking away, was how we deal with this behaviour. BUT sometimes it was necessary to stand up for yourself, even if you were terrified of getting in trouble at school, which was always my daughters greatest fear. I reassured her that if she was only ever defending herself, then i would be defending her to the school! I then taught her that little secret that we should teach all girls, boys have a very very sensitive area between their legs. The next time he started hitting and pushing her from behind, she turned around and swiftly brought her foot up between his legs. Not only did he never touch her again, all the boys gave her a wide berth through out primary and no one laid their hands on her again. Better still, my very gentle girl never had to raise her hands to anyone, ever again in the whole of her primary school life. Sometimes making a one off stand, means you never have to do that again.

Fookadook · 27/10/2019 14:00

I would be telling school that you don’t give a shit if they see it as bullying or not, he is hurting your DD on a regular basis and they are doing nothing about keeping your DD safe!

So they are saying his behaviour is acceptable then? This is not ok, and I wouldn’t be leaving the school unless I knew exactly what they were going to do to keep my child safe.

funinthesun19 · 27/10/2019 14:06

This is similar to when smaller children bully a taller child. It’s still bullying and still just as bad and if it was the other way round.

Whenever I hear of a taller child being targeted by smaller children who are the same age, I just think a punch in their face from the taller child would be well deserved! But of course, taller children aren’t allowed to stick up for themselves and the smaller children will just play the victims, as well as their parents and the school will side with them.

Parents of smaller children will just use the fact that their precious little shits are smaller and therefore couldn’t possibly be bullies towards a taller child. But would be on the school like a ton of bricks if it was the other way around.

RockinHippy · 27/10/2019 14:07

Having dealt with similar issues when DD was small, I'd say to moderate your use of language to be more PC & you should find your get a better result. At the end of the day, you want the school to put a stop to this behaviour & protect your DD as is their legal responsibility. Right now they are failing in their "duty if care" to you DD. You have a right to insist they step up.

Don't refer to the other DC as a bully, but say that your DD is the victim of "bullying behaviour" by this lad who seems fixated by her as born out by well documented problems in nursery too. Can they please recognise their legal duty of care to protect your daughter & act to stop your daughters current & not insignificant risk of harm by putting measures in place to curb this little boys ability to attack your DD.

Ask for a copy of the schools bullying policy, they have to give it to you. Keep photos & diaries of any injuries & a diary of events, just in case you need to take it further. The EWO is a good next step, as it's your DDs welfare at stake, & that's what they are there for, even when it's the school that's at fault.

Good luck

Loveislandaddict · 28/10/2019 19:44

How did you get on today?

NewNameGuy · 28/10/2019 19:50

I think it's bullying and poor by the school to let it go on, write a letter to the head and safeguarding lead as a PP suggested.

I would probably recommend my DD to push this kid away if he comes over to hassle her- while you don't want to encourage violence you also don't want her to grow up thinking she has to accept pain and bullying.

Hopefully it will be sorted soon

LucileDuplessis · 28/10/2019 19:56

Ask to see the school's bullying / behaviour / safeguarding policies. There should be a definition of bullying and there is no way on earth that it will include a requirement that the victim is younger than the bully.

As others have said, it will come across better if you focus on what the school is doing to keep DD safe (rather than whether they are doing anything to punish the boy). Additional lunchtime supervision?

Keeping a record of incidents is a good idea too.

isadoradancing123 · 28/10/2019 20:20

The school can call it what they like but the fact is he is deliberately targeting your daughter, you need to tell them it has to stop

GreenTulips · 28/10/2019 23:39

I would probably recommend my DD to push this kid away if he comes over to hassle her

You can role play this with her so it becomes a instant reaction.

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