To think that co-habiting with an ex could work?

[Ivehadenoughfornow]

I think I've reached the point of no return with my current relationship.

We've been together for just over 10 years, no kids, lots of drama and heartache which we've got through but now I feel I've had enough.
We get on well, I don't hate him but I do dislike him but not to the point that I don't want to be friends with him. I'm trying to see a way of working out what to do with the minimum of angst and anxiety which I do suffer from.

Basically, he doesn't listen to a word I say, he forgets constantly what I am doing and therefore is surprised when he finds out that I've been somewhere. He never asks how Hospital or GP appointments have gone, it's as though he really has absolutely no interest in my life whatsoever.

We had a disastrous very rare sex session the other night and it made me cry!! I am in constant pain due to having possible osteoarthritis in my shoulder and hands (I had my first physio appt last week) and because he doesn't bother to ask how I am then maybe he had forgotten that I am in constant pain.

We don't seem to have a relationship as such, more of a convenience really. I read other threads on here and I am very aware about other people's sex lives even after years and years of marriage and how they still seem to enjoy it and I'd love to have that. Just to feel wanted I suppose. I can't cuddle him in bed as he gets too hot and pushes me away. I don't feel rejected really as I don't want to instigate sex but I feel like it shouldn't be like this.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I am wondering whether it is possible to live together as friends after having been in a long relationship. We've got a spare bedroom so that bit would work. Has anyone found that their relationship works like this and they get on better? I've thought about what if one of us met someone else, but I think I'd be OK as long as the new person didn't come back to the house.

This is all still whirling about in my mind, all the what ifs and buts, and I've not spoken to him about this as he'd probably forget by tomorrow. I need to form a plan in my head that i think would work before I address it with him.

I cannot see how we can get back any physicality between us as I am very undemonstrative and would never make the first move for fear of rejection so I think we've just run our course of being together as an official couple.

I'll try and keep reading/replying regularly but he's off today so it might be a bit intermittent.

Sorry it's a bit long and thanks for reading!!

I think it would be disastrous! Neither of you could properly move on if you're still living together. You'd slip into old habits and have expectations as to how each other should behave.

Also, how would either of you start a new relationship if the new partner isn't allowed back to your home?

And finally, why would you want to live with someone you dislike?

I'm not sure this would work. I'm not against the idea of co-habiting and bring friends... But it doesn't sound like you're actually friends in the first place.

Not after the kind of turbulent relationship you describe. For those who have an egalitarian 'best friends' relationship where the spark just fizzles out but they basically really like each other as human beings maybe it could work but it would still stop you both from moving on and finding new partners. In your case it sounds like you both need lots of space and a clean break.

I couldn't think of a more stressful environment. Why can't you just split up? You don't have children. Why not just give yourself the chance to move on and be happy?

NO!

tHERE'D still be times when you need him to listen to what you say! A flat mate who doesn't listen to a word you say (quote) sounds like a disaster.

No co habitated with the ex dc’s dad for the sake of the children, it didn’t work, and was very damaging to all of us

Why? Because you don't want to sell your house and move somewhere smaller?

I’m genuine good friends with my ex. I still wouldn’t want to live with him!

But you don't even sound like friends! Surely you treat your friends better than this?

OK - an overwhelming NO then!! Interesting that no one has replied with a positive experience. I'll just have to put up with it for a while longer until I work out the practicalities of splitting up. Thank you everyone for your input - I've taken it on board. I'm thinking of getting a dog as it would give me undivided attention and show me love and affection which I really crave.

You only get one shot at this life, my friend. Don't waste it with someone like this. There's more out there for you.

I live with my ex. We went out for a couple of years in our early 20's and here we are house sharing (we own the house) in our mid 40's.

So it can work! We do like each other though. :)

So it can work - how did you both deal with new partners? trouble is most of the time we get on so well. I just dislike him today as he forgot where I was the other day and it pisses me off so much.

Why, if there are no children involved, would you want to continue to live together?

Also, you don’t refer to him as your husband, so assuming you’re not even married, why no just make a clean break of it?

If a relationship fades over time from romantic/sexual to platonic then I think it can work. But it doesn't seem to be the case here.

Sounds terrible. Whenever I tried to have any kind of friendship with an ex, we either ended up having sex or arguing about the same crap that we used to argue about. It's too hard without any kind of break; you can't go from one day expecting him to act like a partner and then the next acting like a housemate. All the rules suddenly change. Do you have to knock on his bedroom door? Can you sit next to him to watch a film or do you assume, as a flatmate, he now wants to watch it alone? Do you share food? What about milk and bread? How much personal space does he want? Can you touch his arm? His leg? How much interest should you show in each other's lives? Every little detail will have to be re-evaluated, which is almost impossible, and so you end up slipping back into old habits.

I'd like to carry on living with him but change the dynamics of the relationship. I'm thinking that if we are no longer a 'couple' as such then it wouldn't make me so frustrated when he doesn't remember anything I've told him as it wouldn't matter. I'd still do his washing and not get into a situation of not sharing milk etc but I'd be able to just throw all his discarded clothes and shoes into his bedroom and just close the door and let him deal with his mess as I wouldn't be able to see it!! I can't bring myself to speak to him atm so need to have a chat with him when I feel more rational. No we're not married but do own a house together. I don't think either of us would necessarily like to move but tbh I think I've definitely reached the end of the road. i don't mean to come across as naive but I just wanted to see if it worked for anyone else IRL. Thanks for all your comments - much appreciated.

I currently staying with my ex dh of 25 years.

It's fab. We're getting on fabulously. Watching tv and getting each other into various shows. We're even cooking for each other. It's lovely and I'm spending quality times with grown up dd who still lives at home too.

I reckon it can work. I'm moving out next month but I think we could have genuinely stayed like this. I'm a bit sad to be leaving.

I lived with my ex for 6 months after we split. Amicable and no hate involved. I hated every second of it. It was just awkward and uncomfortable. I was so relieved when he moved out.

My question would be why? Why wouldn't you want to move on with your life?

I'm thinking that if we are no longer a 'couple' as such then it wouldn't make me so frustrated when he doesn't remember anything I've told him as it wouldn't matter.

It sounds like you're really scared of being alone. In order to make a new life you need to separate properly and split up, rather than live in some weird limbo where you're preventing each other from moving on and more than likely falling back into old ways. Don't settle for this. Aim higher.

I think it can work but it doesn’t sound like your situation can work