DP sleeping on the couch

[Anotherthink]

DP has got into the habit of sleeping on the couch over the last year.

DC were getting into bed a lot and DP who struggles with depression started sleeping on the couch to try to avoid broken sleep as he thinks poor sleep can be a contributory factor. The DC getting into bed eased off but dp would do some early starts at work and liked to be able to get up and ready without worrying he will wake me or dc (he uses downstairs bathroom to get ready). He wouldn't wake me, and I didn't mind if he did, but he worried nonetheless and wanted to avoid that aspect.

Now when DP does sleep in our bed he ends up with a bad back, noises from outside wake him etc and he gets a bad night sleep. He's done it two nights running and I know he won't want to stay a third. He's visibly down in the dumps and tired.

AIBU for wanting him to just keep at it and get used to sleeping in our bed again? We can't afford a new mattress and I don't think this is a solution. We opted for our current firm mattress (his choosing) literally just before all this started happening. The sofa is obviously much softer but I just know if we got a really soft mattress he'd hate it.

We live on a very quiet road. If you're trying to nod off car doors, a car passing by etc can seem much louder than it is in comparison to the quietness. But it's not loud enough to wake you.

Am I being selfish?

I don’t think either of you are being selfish. A good night’s sleep is a pretty basic need and it’s understandable to want to share a bed with your partner.

In his favour, he has tried and you can see it’s not good for him.

In terms of making it work, you could give more serious thought to a new mattress, even if it takes a while to be able to afford one. And he could try earplugs. Also maybe try sleeping in the bed on nights he doesn’t have work the next day.

White noise machine and a new mattress/decent topper?

Have to admit that I prefer to sleep alone as well, despite loving my husband very much. There's just something about starfishing in the middle of the bed 😂

When I replaced our mattress I got it on interest free credit and paid it off over a year. I don’t normally go in for credit but I thought it was worth it to be able to buy something good.

We could try a new mattress but we got this one because he complained about the old one and used to literally comment that it's so nice to sleep in. The sofa is really soft. I don't even know if we could get a mattress that soft!

Perhaps I'm being harsh but it just feels like there's always something, and money's always tight so I feel like a new mattress when the one we have is fine, is so far down the list of things we need to buy.

Earplugs is something to try. I can just see him saying they're not comfortable though. He's sensitive to a lot of things.

He doesn't starfish though! He's on the sofa so lay on his side the same as in bed.

I've just gone back to the main bed after years of poor health. It's been a real struggle.

Could him going up first and getting comfy be an idea? You could sneak in a bit later. He might get up but if he can start trying at the beginning of the night, it should become more familiar again.

I am actually enjoying my bed again. We bought some new bed sheets for it that make it feel cosy and I've still got the single bed to escape to if I'm struggling.

Just leave him to it and both get a good night's sleep

Mattress topper is a good idea. Of fold up a duvet and pop intended the sheet on his side?

I do think though it won’t work unless you both make a shift, otherwise he’ll just feel you’re pushing him into doing what you want.

Maybe the issue is needing to sleep alone. Nothing wrong with that.

Broken sleep definitely impacts mental health, for sure. My partner plays computer games a lot, and sometimes when he's off work he comes to bed in the early hours of the morning (sometimes what I would count as the actual morning tbh). I don't mind that in and of itself. He works hard and deserves chill time and to him it's playing games rather than going out and getting wasted.

But my problem is that he comes in and turns the light on, and sometimes starts asking me questions. Then he has me wide awake and it takes me ages to get back to sleep. I always feel rubbish the day after, or end up sleeping in too late which makes me feel rubbish on its own.

Chances are he's just used to the sofa now. You need to talk to him about what you can do to get him back in bed with you. Although there are obviously reasons for it, I would be upset if my partner stopped sleeping next to me.

He might just need to get used to things again. Make sure you have nice thick curtains, a comfortable mattress, a reasonable duvet. I don't know what you can do about the birds singing, but surely he can hear them from the sofa if they're that loud?

If he's happy on the sofa just leave him on the sofa for now.

My DP is a really restless sleeper, he gets into bed about half an hour later than me, wriggles for ages etc. Takes about half an hour, so I don't get to sleep for ages. Then in the night he turns over very extremely, wakes up various times to drink etc. Basically it wakes me up throughout the night and I just feel shite the next day. I'm genuinely considering separate beds.

Could he sleep on the sofa in the week and then your bed at weekends? Have a chat about what can be done to get him back in bed with you

I sleep on the sofa more than in bed with DH, I got into the habit when I was pregnant with my twins as the shape of the settee was much easier on my back, they’re two years old now and I still sleep on the sofa more than in bed... I just find it easier and I’m more likely to sleep well than in bed. I know DH said he’d like me to sleep in bed more and he worried it was a sign our relationship was degrading but I’ve reassured him as best I can and I think he understands, with twin toddlers to run after and a poor sleep history, whatever works to get me some decent rest at night is important.

Topper sounds like a good plan to keep costs low and it's an 'upgrade' of our current mattress.

I'm ok with it most of the time. I definitely don't push. But he is aware I'd prefer things were back as they were. I don't see this as a permanent fix.

Not only does it have an affect on our closeness (we don't get a lot of alone time so if he sleeps on the sofa it's even less) but on weekends when he is trying to have a lie in, DC typically wake early and I try to put them off going into the living room but don't want to take them to my room to watch tv etc it's an annoying start to the day. And when I'm getting them ready on a weekday he always leaves the duvet out on the sofa instead of tidying it away. So dc jump straight under it and moan the house is cold when I'm trying to get them dressed and the small living room just looks a tip. Ok that sounds pretty...I think I find it annoying because of the whole situation 😁 and it's an easy fix but he just always forgets.

If you’re considering a topper may I suggest the cozee home one from qvc?! It’s not thick but has one fluffy side and one normal side and it’s so lovely to sleep on, along with their bedding at this time of year it means I never want to leave the room!

Could you maybe suggest he does one night a week, then two nights a week etc until he maybe splits the week between bed and sofa? I sometimes sleep separately as husband goes early and up early and a full night with no wake up is bliss!