To think sex 12 times this year is crap?

[kite753]

My husband and I have only had sex 12 times this year. I know this because I track this using a health app on my phone.

I feel this is awfully low. He has a low sex drive and doesn't want to face up to it. We are only in our late 20s.

AIBU to think this is very low and not normal?

Forget normal, or the semblance of normal. You’re not happy with this, and honestly I don’t think you’re remotely unreasonable for that, I wouldn’t be happy with sex that infrequently either. How does your husband react when you broach the subject?

As PP says, don't focus on comparisons or "normal", it's about your needs.

My DH and I had couple's therapy a few years ago and the therapist made that point. She'd said it didn't matter if it's twice a year or twice a week, what's important is that both people feel connected and satisfied.

I wouldn't be happy with that

Well it’s more than once a month which I don’t think is that infrequent. It depends if you are both happy with this about and if so it’s totally fine.

Have you spoken to him about it?

Hear hear. Very similar. We have a problem with privacy in our small flat plus shift work plus sheer exhaustion. whenever an opportunity is missed when the conditions are right I feel really down about it. Its made me feel really unwanted.

Has his sex drive always been low?

I assume this upsets you. Correct?

Once or twice a month is relatively low, but if it's ok for your DH then you may have to make a choice between that and someone else.

What kind of conversations have you had around it? How's your relationship generally? Any other pressures?

We had a year in our 20s when we only did it 5 times. We had a baby who was prem, money worries and health concerns. My sex drive flew out of the window and I thought we were done for as it caused so many rows. We kept talking though and tried to maintain a closeness. 17 years later we're still together and having the best sex we've ever had.

Comparing your relationship with other peoples isn't going to help, though.

Some people are happy going without for weeks at a time, others think twice a week isn't enough.

And everyone is going through different stages too - people with newborns or several small children probably won't have anywhere near as much sex as those who are childless or who perhaps have older, more independent children.

The question is, are you happy? If not, then you need to discuss it with your DH.

Everyone has a different idea of normal, I have zero sex drive and would be fine if I never had it again.

The problem is when one person wants it more than the other in a relationship.

What's your situation, do you have DCs? Demanding jobs, is he too tired? Or just not bothered?

You need to discuss it with him if you are unhappy.

You track your sex life on a health app?

yabu for tracking the number of times you've shagged on an app.

i'm also curious what the app makers do with this data

You do it for period tracking/ovulation reasons. I used one when I was conceiving my first baby because my cycle never quite regulated after my son was born and we were using withdrawal/ovulation to avoid pregnancy. We wanted a baby sort of close to the boys but not immediately afterwards and I didnt want to use hormonal contraceptives. Condoms weren't loved by us but we would use them at high risk times. It worked while it worked. We weren't thinking "way too soon" when I got pregnant with DD.

But yeah, when you use these apps, you put in when you had sex and whether you used a barrier.

Other people are content with sex twice a year or twice it day, it's so subjective. But if you're not content then it's not right for you. In our twenties DH and I would generally have sex most days and more at weekends.