To not want to have anything to do with in-laws?

[anon1955]

Long one...

DH and I been together for 8years, married for 2.5.

In the beginning MIL seemed to think I was the best thing since sliced bread as she has all sons and never got a daughter. A couple of years into the relationship she started to get moody and sometimes when I went to visit/stay over with DH she wouldn't even make the effort to speak but then redeemed later on..maybe PMS who knows lol!

DH's older brother had a long term partner too but I rarely saw her/MIL insinuated 'she wasn't like me', wasn't interested in MIL and wasn't as close etc. So fast forward and we get engaged, MIL is overjoyed but that then turns into constant barrage of things we should do/have at the wedding. DH and I planned everything ourselves and it was what we wanted, it's our wedding after all. She would bitch to DH that I wasn't letting her be involved etc etc. We became a bit distant after that but then when we got married and started TTC she was all over me all over again.

There had also been a long standing prophecy within the family that I would be the golden goose that would provide the elusive granddaughter. She continually told me it would be a girl etc etc, bearing in mind I wasn't even pregnant yet! So I would confide in her and tell her I thought I had symptoms etc etc as us ladies do when TTC and the most notable time was Xmas eve a few years back, we arrived at their house and I mentioned and DH and I had been car shopping that day and we joked about a 'baby car' etc, naively. She then proclaimed she was convinced I was pregnant (she is into holistic, energy stuff). We left and we' returning for Xmas dinner the next day, just DH, two youngest brothers and PIL.

We arrive to be told that there's been a mistake and they forgot to tell older brother and DP that they wouldn't be going to their home for Xmas dinner and essentially MIL told us we HAD to go. We didn't want to, for unrelated reasons we feel uncomfortable and DH and brother have never really got on well. MIL put it all on me as if I was stopping them all going in front of everyone and I had a huge panic attack ( I suffer with anxiety ). I then got a grip of myself and said we would go.

We arrive and everyone's telling MIL as I walk into the BIL's house about how it's all so exciting etc, DH are confused. We are then handed a baby grow with our surname on it from BIL's DP that they are expecting. I personally was crushed, but I put on a front and pretended. We left and I cried and cried in the car. One for the fact we were baby less and two for the fact that MIL did it to us knowingly.

Fast forward, I do a test on Boxing Day & I am actually not pregnant. Makes it worse.

I keep it all together and then a couple months later MIL sends me scan pics etc etc.

We don't see BIL and DP hardly at all anyway but she constantly badgers me with going to visit her because it just have to see her bump'. She even got Dhs younger brothers on side. It was constant and she told my DH I was having a tantrum and I was jealous. Of course their was a slight jealousy as most TTC women feel but it was just self preservation for my mental health. I didn't want to hear about the pregnancy. In amongst it all I was put on antidepressants and diagnosed with PCOS, my face was covered in acne and all we wanted was a baby. DH seemed to take his mums side and didn't support me at that time and both he and MIL said 'I need to get over it!'.

Every opportunity she took a dig at me. She visited my house and proceeded to tell me she was having 'ovary pains' and when the pampers advert came on with mums being handed their newborns. She looked at me and gushed 'oh 'x' has all that look forward to soon, wee baby insert-surname'.

She texted me at 1am on the day baby was born to tell me it was a girl. After her brainwashing this felt like the end of the world. I hadn't provided the coveted granddaughter.

Almost 2 years on she has the announcement baby grow in her living room as well as pics of niece everywhere , WhatsApp, scan pictures in her place of work (family business).

My husband and I suffered so much with fertility struggles that we separated for a few months recently and he went to his parents for solace, he broke down in tears when greeted with all the pics etc everywhere and tried to explain to her (like he has tried numerous times) how much it hurts her,with the view she has. We are genuinely hurtin and it's not jealous tantrums. She told him he was jealous funnily enough and now she's not talking to him.

AIBU to not want anything to do with this woman for the way she makes me feel and to not want her to ever have anything to do with the child we may have one day? I've had to go for counselling over this.

You deserve a medal for reading this!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, she sounds horrible. I think you also have a DH problem though, he sounds unsupportive and he should have nipped this in the bud long ago. I’m so sorry for your struggles, I know how you feel and it is soul destroying.

Hey OP I read your post. I dont have experience of what you're feeling and people who do will be on to comfort you but I just wanted to say that you have two different problems here that you shouldn't conflate, try and deal with them separately:

1. your mil is a bitch

2. you are very upset at not being pregnant

Try not to muddle the two issues in your head otherwise it can be overwhelming and paralysing

Hi OP

I agree with the above. Some of the stuff you've said sounds like she is rubbing your face in it and she could be more sensitive. Some of it sounds completely normal (such as texting you in the night to tell you it's a girl, having loads of pictures of her granddaughter). I think you need to try and separate the two things and realise a lot of this is about your feelings rather than her actions. Its normal and right that she is proud of her granddaughter.

Its also understandable and acceptable for you to withdraw if things are too difficult for you, and to tell her what things you find difficult about her behaviour

So sorry to hear you've had such a bad time.:(

'AIBU to not want anything to do with this woman for the way she makes me feel'

You have to protect yourself, do it however you need to- if it means you steer clear of her for now, then do it.

'and to not want her to ever have anything to do with the child we may have one day?'

I can understand you feeling that way at the moment, but you can't know how it might pan out in future.

I hate to be indelicate, but what's the plan for your fertility? Have you been offered any kind of treatment?

Best wishes and hugs. xxxxx

This sounds like an awful situation and you are right, when you are TTC it is difficult to see success for others so close to you.
Your mil sounds like a classic first time grandparent. Some things she has said/done have been insensitive, especially as you partner told her it was upsetting. However, some things were just passing comments I think (such as the advert).
I actually feel you're being slightly unreasonable. Only because it's very difficult situation to be in when your TTC and someone else falls pregnant and I think you've taken things to heart because of this.
I think stopping her seeing any future children is a bit extrema but you would need to be very firm on boundaries. You need to prioritise your marriage at the moment though, not whether your mil has pictures of her grandchild up in her house

I'm sorry but I don't think that shes done anything wrong?! Shes a bit insensitive, but shes just happy to be a grandma. If you had a child then all this wouldnt bother you. I hope you and your husband try to work through it and seek ivf or adoption? My friend has adopted a beautiful little boy, my neighbour also adopted a lovely girl.

Shes a bit insensitive, but shes just happy to be a grandma.

A bit? I’m not one to suggest that everyone needs to hide pregnancy from those struggling with infertility, but to be talking about it in such a gushing way and to spring the news on them about her grandchild so publicly isn’t just a bit insensitive, it is using a sledgehammer.

If you had a child then all this wouldnt bother you

Well done, you’ve found the point of the OP.

Thank you for all the replies!

Well, finally opening up and getting all this stress of my chest about this must have done something! On Saturday I got a BFP. I'm still in shock, we are over the moon but quietly anxious that all will go well.

In some way I must have been seeking some approval from MIL and as our family know our struggles we decided to tell MIL earlier this week once we had pregnancy confirmed.

I took a little gift bag and put little booties in it along with a CB digital, handed it to her and the reaction was 'what is this?' And 'is this what you both want?'. She treated me like I was the devil and had me in tears which it bad enough but knowing i was so very early days pregnant.

This all seemed to be cause she turned on me because DH and I had separated for a month or so and she was angry at me because I instigated it. Won't accept any blame on DH and he even said to her that he wasn't treating me properly and it wasn't as if I'd done anything terrible.

I love my husband and TTC really almost broke us but I'm so glad we persevered and started to fall for one another again, this was obviously just a byproduct of that.

Regardless of what she's done she won't ruin this for us. I'm especially heartbroken for DH, his own mother disregarding how special a moment that was for him.

She obviously grovelled and apologised to DH the next day but not to me. She was careful with her words and kept using my name as if she was apologising to both. I was at work at the time. She's a massive snake 🐍! I think we know she's a real CF now. If I don't laugh I'll cry!

Silver lining is FIL is over the moon and very happy for us x