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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take sons money?

22 replies

Finallygotthere · 25/10/2019 10:51

Oldest DC is 23yo, has a decent 32 hour aw job with a well known large supermarket chain.
For last couple years I have taken £60 board a month on the understanding that he is putting a bit away each month to save for his own property.
He would sometimes buy in his own evening meal but all his dishes, washing and cleaning I do. He would also be there to get my youngest up to school days I'm at work hence the low board.
He recently split with his fiance and is dating another girl.
He spends majority of week staying at hers, coming back when he has a really early shift, so at home 2 nights at most. Still drops by to pick up clothes and drop off washing.
I have 3 DS and live in 3 bedroom house so there is also his room sitting empty majority of week while I sleep on pull out bed to give them all their own space due to differing ages.
AIBU to still take his board every month even though he is hardly there?

OP posts:
FatAndFurious7 · 25/10/2019 10:58

Sounds like he's still using you as a washing and maid service. You should keep charging the 'rent'. He's not actually moved out and who knows if this relationship will last anyway (obvs hope it does and everything's lovely). I personally would be charging more and making sure he was saving money too. The alternative is charge him more but start a fund for him yourself to make sure he is saving it if you're concerned about that

raspberryk · 25/10/2019 11:00

Only £60? Shock

littlepaddypaws · 25/10/2019 11:00

£60 a month ??

Theflying19 · 25/10/2019 11:03

Totally reasonable. I'm bemused why it wouldn't be? He expects to be able to use the room whenever he likes doesn't he? He'd object if you moved a lodger in? Then I'd say it's very reasonable rent... If he wants to move out I'm sure he'd be welcome to!

SunshineAngel · 25/10/2019 11:04

Firstly, if you spend more than a certain number of nights per week living somewhere, you should register as living there.

Why don't you have his bedroom, and he sleeps on the pullout when he comes home?

I wouldn't be doing his washing I'm afraid. Or his dishes for that matter. He's a fully grown adult now, and can do these things perfectly fine himself.

I think £60 a month is low, but if he's only there two nights a week then I don't suppose you can really raise it any higher.

MooMummy12 · 25/10/2019 11:05

£60 a month? I paid £50 a week when I was living at home 5 years ago with a full time job.

I stayed 3/4 nights at my partners when we first got together and still had to pay my £50 a week until I moved out.

So I think you're being more than reasonable ☺️

AmIThough · 25/10/2019 11:06

YANBU at all. £60 a month is SO cheap!

He should also start sleeping on the pull out so you can actually have a bedroom.

TheFaerieQueene · 25/10/2019 11:08

A whole £2 per day isn’t much is it? Less than a cup of coffee. For that he has a bedroom he really doesn’t use and you sleep on a pull out bed. It is time he found his own home and you have a bedroom.

Original poster
Finallygotthere · 25/10/2019 11:17

Thank you all. I realise it is low and it was meant to be so he could put money away for a house but lately he's out so much I can't see that he can be doing that now.
We just rearranged all the boys rooms and he's now in the smallest room but I thu6nk i maybe need to have a proper talk with him when I see him next week.

OP posts:
sarahjconnor · 25/10/2019 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

charm8ed · 25/10/2019 11:35

I think you are being reasonable to still get the £60 per month and I think you should think about switching the sleeping arrangements around.

nedflandereses · 25/10/2019 11:37

Why on earth are you doing a 23 year old mans washing and sleeping on a pull out??

Hercules12 · 25/10/2019 11:39

Why on earth are you doing his laundry? Confused
I would take over his room tbh and give him the pull out.

choli · 25/10/2019 11:41

Stop being a Martyr Mummy and reclaim your bedroom.

DeathStare · 25/10/2019 11:41

So a grown man is allowing his mother to sleep on a pull-out bed and not have a bedroom so that a bed in its own bedroom can lie empty for him just in case he decides to sleep in it, though the majority of the time he chooses not to? Does he have no ethics?

Belfield · 25/10/2019 12:08

You are not doing this man any favours whatsoever. He can't have a high opinion of women if he is happy, as an adult, to allow his mother to sleep on a pullout bed and also do do all his washing etc. He only works 32 hours a week. He is only sleeping there two nights and drops off his clothes but needs his own room? Are your other children boys too is this why they need double rooms. He is an adult. Stop doing his dishes/washing as he is perfectly capable of doing it himself. Move back the rooms to give yourself the double room as you need it. Let him sleep on the pullout. this is for his own benefit. If he behaves like this with women he will have a continual stream of ex fiance/ex wives and he will continually be back living with you. Also the charging him £60 but then saying he has to save is treating him like a child. Sorry. I know my post is harsh but a lot of problems that people experience with men that result in breakdown of families is this type of nonsense from their mothers.

Notajogger · 25/10/2019 12:13

You are not doing this man any favours whatsoever. He can't have a high opinion of women if he is happy, as an adult, to allow his mother to sleep on a pullout bed and also do do all his washing etc.

This. I can't believe you are putting up with this or he is allowing it to continue! I would be mortified treating my mother this way.

Original poster
Finallygotthere · 25/10/2019 12:35

I totally get all the comments, I've been on my own with, yep 3 boys, and I probably do mummy them quite a bit as I feel I have let them down quite a bit on a personal level. Agreed I need to look at my parenting, your all correct he is a man now. Think I made mistakes with oldest and it's just continued, I've definetly been more proactive in teaching other 2 some basic skills and they both are much more independent than their brother ever has been.

OP posts:
HighFive5 · 25/10/2019 12:37

My son is 18 years old, he has worked full time for a good few months, he also pays his own phone bill, he has a manual job and works away quite a lot but he still pays his board every week, I do his washing and evening meals during the week but he is responsible for his own room and he tends to eat out on a weekend, at 23 I'd expect him to have his place!

S0CKS · 25/10/2019 13:12

Completely reasonable.
I would also be moving him out of his bedroom - can he have a younger ones room the two nights a week hes there and they have a 'sleepover' in your room?
Unfair as main bill payer you don't have a space.

MintyMabel · 25/10/2019 13:53

you should register as living there.

With whom? There is no requirement to “register” anyone living anywhere.

carly2803 · 25/10/2019 14:09

with respect, your not doing him, or his future partner a favour by charging only60 quid a month and doing his chores.

take his room, he lives on a pullout and takes more hours in a job! 32 hours isnt full time

brutal but at 23 i paida lot more rent thanthat!!

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