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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Asked to be a bridesmaid

20 replies

hairtodaygonetoday · 25/10/2019 00:20

So when I got married I had a relative (let's call her A) who I asked to be my bridesmaid. A is about 6 years younger than me. I am not particularly close to A but she very much wanted to be a bridesmaid, there was some family obligation/pressure and so I decided to keep the peace and have her (along with two other relatives, also younger than me if that matters at all!).

Anyway A has got engaged today and has rang to tell us this evening. All lovely, said congrats etc etc! She has now just text and mentioned how dd (4 months) and I will be bridesmaid and flower girl. I won't lie, the thought fills me with dread. I am older than her and look it, a bit fat, and have just had a baby so my confidence is not sky high atm! I really do not want to be a bridesmaid (I also think she is only asking me because I had her). She will definitely want dd to be flower girl but that will be fine as I assume she will just wear a dress and pose for a few pics as she will likely be under 2 still!

I can hand on heart say I wouldn't want to be bridesmaid for any of my other relatives / friends either (even those I'm very close to). This could be ur of me but I feel a bit silly being older than the bride by far!

AIBU and a complete cow? Do I have to suck it up and be bridesmaid? This has kind of brought home a lack of confidence in myself atm 😩

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 25/10/2019 00:34

If you don't want to do it, just say no now. You can blame the baby, it shouldn't be a big deal.

Original poster

hairtodaygonetoday · 25/10/2019 00:37

Do you think that would be okay? I won't look a complete cow? A is very into this kind of thing and her wedding will be (obviously) a big thing for her but I don't think she will actually be that bothered about me being a bridesmaid!

OP posts:

Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 25/10/2019 00:42

You won't look a complete cow,just explain you'd have your hands full with little one - baby/toddler etc so thank you for the lovely offer, you're looking forward to day and seeing them tie the knot, but you won't be able to be a bridesmaid.
If you're not that close, she may even be relieved that she can pick x friend instead (no offence).

summersherewishiwasnt · 25/10/2019 00:43

Tell her your flattered but you really don’t want to, for the reasons you give here, SHE would be the cow for not understanding.

ineedaholidaynow · 25/10/2019 00:44

Could you ask maybe to be involved in another way? I assume you will need to be on hand for your DD as she is so young.

Original poster

hairtodaygonetoday · 25/10/2019 00:48

@Namechangeymcnamechange11 no offence taken at all!!! Haha I'm not remotely close to her, I haven't even met her fiancé (they've been dating about a year I think!) so she definitely does have better options than me 😂

@summersherewishiwasnt as sad as it is seeing as I've posted it on here I wouldn't want to admit my insecurities in real life to someone I know 😕 she's also the type to shrug it off and say I look fine. I will say the thing about being older than her though so good point :-)

@BitOfFun yes good plan I'll say I'd be better suited to running after dd 😊😊

OP posts:

Katzia · 25/10/2019 00:49

It's perfectly alright to say no. It's an invitation, not an order. My sister never even asked me to be bridesmaid. She knew I would hate it. I asked her to be my matron of honour and she said no. Neither of us were offended.

Original poster

hairtodaygonetoday · 25/10/2019 00:49

Oops that last bit was meant for @ineedaholidaynow :-)

OP posts:

Original poster

hairtodaygonetoday · 25/10/2019 00:50

@Katzia I hope not to offend :-) I just wanted to check I wasn't being awful seeing as she was mine but I honestly know she wanted to be mine :-)

OP posts:

UncleHerbie · 25/10/2019 01:16

Tell her you’d be delighted for your daughter to be flower girl but you’d prefer to enjoy seeing her bloom on her special day from the sidelines. Don’t mention your age or your weight - not necessary

Avenilson · 25/10/2019 01:47

From someone who was in your position, say no and say it right now and big it up that you will help in every other way and sort her little flower girl out etc. I was caught in a situation, big wedding and SIL wanted me as a bridesmaid (she had one other) and all my kids as flower girls, pageboys. I had to say yes as she had asked 2 other people and was turned down and I was the next hope. I am 10 years older than the wedding party and it was so stressful, with kids to mind and looking like a sack of spuds compared to the rest of them. My confidence is still dented. There is a time and an age to be a bridesmaid and my time was long gone, say no.

Purpleartichoke · 25/10/2019 02:44

Just say that dd will be enough of a handful on the wedding day that you want to focus on being the flower girl wrangler.

Idontwanttotalk · 25/10/2019 03:15

"She has now just text and mentioned how dd (4 months) and I will be bridesmaid and flower girl."
I think she really does want you to be bridesmaids otherwise why else would she text back on the day she gets engaged?

"I am older than her and look it, a bit fat, and have just had a baby so my confidence is not sky high atm!"
If your baby won't even be 2 and is only 5 months atm then you have over a year to get yourself ready. It could be just what you need to get back to the weight you want to be. That will probably have a good knock-on effect on your confidence.

You can call yourself Matron of Honour if it makes you feel better.

OnlyLittleMissOrganised · 25/10/2019 03:41

It would be easier for you to be a bridesmaid if your daughter is a flower girl. You can then walk with her down the aisle without worrying if she can do it herself or if a stranger or someone she knows less than you would be walking with her. Especially if she will still be under 2.

Jent13c · 25/10/2019 04:23

My DH was asked to be a groomsmen for an old friend but felt the exact same. They weren't close and he was dreading the whole experience, he is the world's biggest introvert and overweight and the whole process of getting measured for suits/standing up the front/ being in the photos just made him not want to even go. I felt quite sad for him because I'm quite different in personality and probably would have quite appreciated being someones bridesmaid although the situation never presented itself. I felt sad that his weight was holding him back.

However he was really honest with his friend and just explained that he was honoured to be asked but really couldn't do it. He was so relieved and has absolutely not regretted it.

AJPTaylor · 25/10/2019 06:10

Woman up. Do not spend 2 years worrying about this.
Simply say that you are looking forward to the wedding, will love dd being a flower girl but really would prefer not to be a bridesmaid.

BoudicasBoudoir · 25/10/2019 06:31

Just tell her you are honoured to be asked, but aren’t able to do it. I didn’t want to be a bridesmaid for my sister, for similar reasons. She still loves me.

Fatshedra · 25/10/2019 06:42

Say you will need to be caring for DD. I had a 18 month at a wedding, don't think I managed more than a few sentences of chat as DD was all over the place, getting into things etc. Wedding venues are not designed for small children.

nomoreclue · 25/10/2019 07:03

Just be honest and say no. Say “it’s so lovely to be asked and of course DD would love to be a flower girl but I’m sorry I can’t be a bridesmaid. Looking after the baby on your wedding day is going to be full on and need my full attention to keep her quiet. It would be best for you to choose people who can focus on you on the day as it’s your special day”

Caterinaballerina · 25/10/2019 07:45

You could focus on not wanting to end up a demanding bridesmaid so you are going to politely decline. You would need to be with DD and you don’t think she would be a good addition to wedding morning preparations. Also with a toddler a block colour dress (usual bridesmaid attire) is not going to be your friend, it’s all about patterns when you choose your outfit. These are more valid reasons than your worry about your figure but mean you can pick a dress for you and not have to wear something chosen for you. You could offer to take on another role such as a reading?

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