Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Wedding-related - pretty sure IABU

14 replies

Smellbow · 24/10/2019 17:22

Last year, SIL (DH's brother) and her partner had significant birthdays, so had a big party. To give you an idea: the couple were announced, paraded in with us lined up on either side, lots of speeches, one of the partner's brothers wrote a song, they asked for money for a holiday and we had a scratch off map to say where we thought they should go, had a "first dance", a tiered cake, etc.

Beginning of this month, they go on the holiday we contributed to (we did put in quite a lot of money, but I'm not sure this matters, it was our choice). They ask us to go for a meal with both their mothers and their adult children and respective partners on the Sunday they get back to "thank us" and show us photos, etc. We live a few hundred miles away and money is tight (which SIL knows), plus DH was down to be working, so he explained we wouldn't be coming (they hadn't offered us lodging, btw). Possibly relevant is that they rarely come to visit us, we are expected to go there most of the time.

I think you all know where this is going ...

So SIL calls us on on Sunday, after the meal, sending us a video to watch while we're on the call with a wedding photo montage announcing that they got married while they were away.

Now, I think IABU, but I am pee'd off, as DH is really upset that he wasn't there for the celebratory meal. I do understand that people want to get married in secret, but they had told their children -
AIBU to think that they could have either said they were getting married or strongly hinted that there was more going on so we'd have made the effort to be at the meal? We've kept big secrets on the SIL's behalf so it's not like we have form for letting the cat out of the bag.

Also, AIBU to be annoyed and feel that we were helping to fund the wedding, without our knowledge? I mean if we had known, we probably would have contributed more, but they're on good salaries, just bought a big house for half a million. It feels a bit weird that we didn't know that was what it was for.

Also, AIBU to think it's weird that new BIL didn't even get on the phone, even though all the dinner guests had gone by then?

I need you guys to talk some sense into me! We haven't taken to new BIL and I think this is colouring my perception of this all.

OP posts:

timshelthechoice · 24/10/2019 17:33

What? They're old enough to have adult kids and they asked others to fund them a fucking holiday for their birthdays and you did it? You and your H have 'Mug' tattooed on your spams. They sound like a pair of grabby, entitled, self-absorbed gits who never grew up and be grateful you were spared further more evidence of their narcissism.

gamerchick · 24/10/2019 17:36

Didn't the birthday not give it away with all the fluff in it?

Greedy gits anyway. Want the money without the bother of the guests. nice of them.

onanothertrain · 24/10/2019 17:36

If that "birthday" party didn't give you a hint there was to be or had been a wedding then you're definitely unreasonable.

Andylion · 24/10/2019 17:37

That sounds more like a wedding than a joint birthday party. Very strange indeed.

Zebraaa · 24/10/2019 17:41

The whole thing is utterly bizarre!

BeanBag7 · 24/10/2019 17:41

I wouldnt be that fussed. You were there for the wedding party, really, although it was dressed up as a birthday party. The meal later was more of an announcement and you couldnt make it so theres not much you can do - it's not like you werent invited.

P.s. I think it's really weird to have speeches and a first dance at a "birthday party". Did the birthday girl wear a white dress?

Original poster

Smellbow · 24/10/2019 17:44

Yes, we did come out of the party thinking "Well that was a wedding", but they signed up to a civil partnership a couple of weeks after (we're not in the UK), so hadn't expected a wedding now, a year later (although we clearly should have).

I'm pretty reassured I'm not the only one to think it's a shade grabby though and just a bit odd.

OP posts:

Original poster

Smellbow · 24/10/2019 17:45

Did the birthday girl wear a white dress?

No, I think my eyebrows might actually have flown off my face at that.

OP posts:

GrumpyHoonMain · 24/10/2019 17:46

I don’t get it. How did you contribute to the wedding?

Widowodiw · 24/10/2019 17:47

Well I did a surprise marriage. So I got married with friends and there was only one family member there. No one else knew nothing. We tricked everyone to come to a party later on..... I think we told them that the children were being christened that day and we were having a party after. We didn’t hint to anyone if they didn’t come they missed out. Did I feel guilty when people were not there ? No because it was mine and husbands big day and it was just how we wanted it. Did people get upset - yes but the ones that really knew us just said that it was just our style and congratulated us.

sophiestew · 24/10/2019 17:49

I wouldn't be bothered at all. You dodged a bullet to be honest.

It was just a party.......

Original poster

Smellbow · 24/10/2019 18:02

I will take a deep breath and simmer down.

Thanks

OP posts:

bakesalesally · 24/10/2019 18:24

I wouldn't be bothered by this tbh.

ShetlandWife · 24/10/2019 18:26

I don’t get it. How did you contribute to the wedding?

Try reading the first post. It's all in there.

Tricky one. I can see both sides. But I think I'm more on the side that they wanted to tell everyone at the same time, so hints would have meant you guys knowing first. It's not their fault that you decided not to go.

Flip