To wonder if she / they are judging me?

[weymouthswanderingmermaid]

Im just curious about it's not keeping me up at night!

One of my DH's closest friends had a baby last year. It was her first birthday yesterday. The couple had years of IVF, so getting her was a hard slog and they are rightfully over the moon.

DH sees his friend regularly at a shared hobby, and also for drinks every few months. DH is rubbish with emotional stuff, so I don't think their convo's run very deep, even after 25yrs of friendship!

I'm not friends with the his DP independently of DH's friend. She's nice enough, but we've never been close as we are very different people. But will rub along nicely at a get together.

I've met the DD once, when she was a week old. DH a second time at a lunch date that i couldn't go to. That's it. We don't live that far away from them. DH has suggested a few times that we should all meet up with our DC's, in whatever location they would find the easiest (our kids are quite a bit older), but they've always said yes maybe then...nothing.

So, I bought a birthday card and present for the DD, as it didn't enter DH's head right do so. They are currently sitting on the kitchen table. I'm not writing the card or posting either of them. That's for DH to do. He'll likely hand it to his friend next week when they meet, but only if I hand them to them as he leaves the house.

I sent a happy birthday message of FB, as the dad put up a photo and comment about it, so I acknowledged the birthday. But I'm not doing anything else.

So, my AIBU is, I am wondering if DH's friend (who I also consider to be a friend), or his partner, will judge me, not DH (or even both of us, rather than just DH), for them not receiving even a card in the post fir the DS's birthday? Even though it's DH who has the long-standing friendship, I'm not really friends with the DP etc, am I going to be judged for not doing anything, because this is what women should do??

They might do but if they do that says more about them than you or the situation.

Why on earth would you be expected to buy a gift for a friend or a friend's baby when you don't see them socially?

If anything comes back to you, or you feel judged, buy them a copy of Wifework

Dunno. I always thought mothers of small children were too preoccupied to bother judging others over petty matters then I met my SIL.

DH and I have a strict dividing role for all cards and gifts - he does his side, I do mine. I used to write Christmas cards or for his side too, then one year I found the whole stack in his glove compartment in February, so I stopped. He never asked me to start, tbf. The first year we got cards that I knew he wouldn't reciprocate was a bit cringey, but I've come to terms with it now. I see his mates' wives maybe once a year so I don't feel much obligation to engage in paper based rituals with them, lovely though they generally are.

It wouldn’t even cross my mind that a friend would buy my one year old a card or a present to be honest. And people who I see often, I never post stuff to anyway - I’d just give it to them when I see them.

The child itself at 1yo won't know anything about it so nothing to worry about there. You don't have super close contact with either of the parents so I can't believe that they'd be upset in any way - more pleased than anything that you've taken the trouble to get something for their lo.
For future occasions like birthdays/Christmas if you intend to get something you could maybe agree with DH that you or he will get the gift & he'll bring it when he has an evening arranged when he knows he'll see his friend sometime close to the occasion. Maybe instead of presents you could put some money - £5/£10 - in the card "for their money box". You won't have that much contact to get to know what actual things the child will like or need as time goes on.

am I going to be judged for not doing anything, because this is what women should do??

Why are you embracing wifework for his friends whom you barely know? I think it's quite strange that you bought them a card because your DH who is friends with them for decades, doesn't do that kind of thing? Did you actually buy the card because you were afraid of being judged by a woman you hardly know, because she's married to one of your husband's friends?

@Brackish I know DH's friend really well. He met his DP after we had kids so were no longer socialising as we used to.

I bought the present as it was a nice thing to do. They usually get my DC's Xmas pressies. But it's now DH's job to get it to them. My work is done

Gosh what a load of overthinking. Why do you care so much about what they might think. You have bought the gift, it's up to your dh to give it to them. You hardly see them, dont know them well, their child certainly doesnt know you and yet you have created so much headspace over this. I'm sure with all their joy at achieving this milestone with their dd, you are hardly a thought.

Well, if either of them blames you rather than your DH, whose friendship with the man of the other couple if the real glue of this set of relationships, all it means is that they are incredibly sexist. No one really thinks in 2019, surely, that it's the little woman's job to bustle about buying the presents and cards and promoting her DH's friendships by remembering children's birthdays, do they?

I don’t judge it unless I’ve made a similar effort for their children.

I definitely would not judge anyone for this and if I did receive a gift I’d just be very grateful!