Pathetic post of the day *triggering: sexual assault*

[Theendofmyrope]

Ive had a truly fucking awful year.
Daughter was raped two years ago and court case in June. Not guilty
Marriage then broke down within weeks of trial. He moved out.
R'ship with my DD broke down within weeks of the trial. Always been so so close
Trying to repair it but so hard. She went away to uni so haven't seen her for a while
Estranged from my mum and other DD
Living on my own for first time in never. Signed off work with severe depression and PTSD. Felt suicidal
Have spent weeks and weeks alone feeling extreme anxiety about leaving the house. Have gone days without seeing another human being.
Me as I know her has disappeared for know.
Christmas is coming up....my favourite time of the year now I just dont know how to 'do it'. It will probably just be my DD and me. I cant see that she will enjoy that much with just me but I really want to try and make it ok. I just want to try and end the year in a better place.
I feel so so low and alone

AIBU to ask for any ideas/tips to help me make it a little special and enjoyable when I will be on my own for most it it. I feel so sad even thinking about the fact it will be me getting the tree and decorating it on my own... should I even bother?

I am so sorry for what's happening. People often talk about rape and the impacts on the victim, which is obviously the primary ci concern. But what's happened after that, isnt that unusual either. These are the unseen impacts of it. Which of course impact the victim as well. I was a subjected to a rape and the consquences touch everything.

Can you try and repair your contact with your other daughter?

Practically, dd will be home from uni early December? Could you wait ti decorate the tree with her?

Is she coming home before then? Plan it together and use it as an opportunity to build on getting close again?

Sorry if that's not helpful.

I don’t have any advice but please it’s not a “pathetic” post, it’s a heartbreaking post. You and your family had been through hell, it’s not easy.
I’m deeply sorry and I hope you’d find a way to repair things with your DDs.

Thank you both.

I can think of few things worse than this happening to one of my precious girls. Can’t begin to imagine the effect on mine and my DH’s mental health. So you are far from pathetic.
Try to make home a safe, cosy space for her, looking as normal for Christmas as you can, so tree, decs etc. Then ask her how she wants to do things and go with that. You can at least look forward to a new, better year together.
I wish you a peaceful Christmas and a much, much happier 2020!

Christmas puts a lot of pressure on people to have a wonderful time. We had lots sadness in our family last Christmas and it was made to seem so much worse because everyone else seems to be ‘Merry and Bright’ and having a great time with their families.

Try not to put pressure on yourself to make things seem like previous Christmases, but perhaps do things a little differently. If getting a tree on your own makes you feel sad, spend the money on a different treat, like going to a festive market with your DD and having a cozy afternoon out and just getting a small decoration to take home. Christmas Day can also seem quite long when there are just a couple of you, so plan a nice walk and some cozy things to do inside together - jigsaws or films for example.

Yes.... I think I need to maybe need to come up with a few ideas of little activities. God it sounds so self indulgent...she 21 so not even a kid. She loves Christmas to so I just want to try and make it nice for us both but I suppose it will be do different this year with it being just us. She will see friends etc so I have accepted I will be on my own for large chunks of time... I guess I will just struggle with this a bit as well. I wonder what people do when they are on their mostly own at this time of year. Oh god.... maybe I am over thinking this. I just want a few things to look forward to.

This is going to sound so boring and maybe obvious but could you stock up on board games that you've always enjoyed together? Down load all your favourite films that make you both laugh? Get some nice treats in like Bailys and chocolate treats, could you maybe arrange a Christmas drinks/evening at yours and invite a few close friends, how about doing something you've never done (just a suggestion) like joining a choir or going coral singing together, or going to the local school play and meeting some new friends. I'm on my own every day whilst my son and husband are at work, I know that's nothing compared to your loneliness but the only thing you can do is get out there, it takes every last bit of strength but it's worth it. I'm so sorry for what you and your daughter have been through, I cannot imagine all the pain you've all had to endure and this really isn't a pity post. Wishing you happiness in the future!

Sorry I mean pathetic post, it's so so so not. ❤️

I'm so sorry you've been through such a terrible time.

If your daughter's around before Christmas, go up late one night to the nearest big town to look round the Christmas decorations and have a cocktail in one of the bars. Make some Christmas decorations together. Binge watch some Christmas films wearing Christmas hats and eating minced pies and drinking sherry. Wrap presents together.

See if you can volunteer to help together for Crisis or other charity on one of the days, dishing up food or washing up. Get up on Christmas morning and go for a long walk in the park. Our one always has lots of people in and people dressed as Father Christmas and dogs dressed as crackers etc, which is rather cheery.

Do you have any friends living nearby with older children? If so, maybe invite them round for drinks in the evening and to play games - cards, Articulate or something like that.

I'm sure that other people will probably have lots of better ideas, but there is some to get you started.

Meanwhile from the experience of someone close to me, the trauma for her about the not being believed (ie him being found not guilty) is almost worse than the rape. It's like being gaslighted and your trauma not acknowledged. If she is willing to talk about it with you, I'd ask about that and really, really listen, don't reframe it in a more positive way, just acknowledge how it is for her. Also see if you can get some counselling for yourself. You may have some unprocessed trauma. Mind may offer some low cost counselling in your area.

Is she not estranged from her sister/gran/dad? If so, could you encourage them to meet up. She may not want to do that out of loyalty to you, but it maybe just what she needs to be supported by all the family.

Why are you estranged from your mum and other dd?

I'm sorry you've had a bad time. As for the parts of the day where you expect to be alone, could you ask a friend to drop by, or spend that time baking for when your daughter returns, or just have a good few movies to watch cuddling a pet or under a blanket with a hot chocolate or drink? This is a stupid idea probably, but you could have a thread with women on here and agree a time to all come on and say hello and Merry Christmas as there will be other women who will be alone.

Could you make a new tradition like going for high tea at a local hotel or somewhere a bit glam and 'special'.

Jesus you poor thing that is fucking awful.

Personally I think you need to talk to your DD and check out her expectations for the Christmas period. The last thing you need is to build up the whole thing in your mind and be disappointed due to it not working the way you hoped.

I think you need to focus on really, really small steps. You have been through massive trauma. You must have a huge amount of anxiety that things can fall away at any moment. The lower your expectations are for the moment the less likely they are not to be met when you are in such a vulnerable spot.

I am so sorry for your situation. I unfortunately speaking from first hand experience so I understand just how awful it can be. For me the way out was building up trustworthy relationships extremely slowly one by one, so I could get my foundation right before building back up from there. Everyone who was not on board had to be relegated to an emotionally distant spot or sent packing from my life, because they were too damaging but I have managed to make some huge progress so it can happen.

Do something new together (that high tea sounds nice) or a spa break? Make it special. It's not going to be an instant fix but you need a nice space to plan ahead and look forward. Remind yourself of the you who didn't have everything weighing you down. I do believe you can move on, and you absolutely deserve to. Best wishes for a gentle 2020 x

Thank you for your lovely responses. Some really lovely ideas. I think you are right @Numptydumptycat about expectations.
I would rather not go into why I am estranged from my other DD and my mum @maddening as it wasnt really the point of the thread and it is very long and complex