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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL on holiday

31 replies

alliejay81 · 23/10/2019 20:43

DH, DS and I are on holiday with MIL. She is not awful and this is definitely a first world problem.

However.

Her conversational skills are driving me mad. She'll expect me to listen to the minutiae of her life including: details of all her friends, the content of her Facebook feed and her preferred choice of frozen pizza. She'll expect me to remember her preferences and tastes, her weekly routine and the minutiae of her life. She'll launch into a story in the middle and expect me to be able to tell what she's going on about because of my total knowledge of her life.

So far, just about ok. Lot's of people are boring and a little bit self-obsessed. However, she cannot pretend to be interested in anything I say. To the point, she clearly disengages or cuts me off. The worst of this is when I mentioned a childhood memory of my gran, and she cut me off to tell DH about something she'd read on Facebook.

She's just so rude and clearly so disinterested in me - I don't expect much interest, she's not my Mum but politeness would be good. Spending time with her is just so draining but going LC / NC seems extreme. AIBU in thinking she's rude? And does anyone have any suggestions for how I deal with this please?

OP posts:
NoSauce · 23/10/2019 20:49

Some people are sadly like this. I’ve often wondered why. It’s like their brain can only function when they’re talking about themselves and they switch off when anyone else talks.

Can you just stay clear? Are you somewhere warm? If so pool with headphones.

Read a book, go for a walk, watch a film?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 23/10/2019 20:55

Sounds exhausting but if she has gone this long without becoming any less self absorbed then she probably won't improve.

I agree that you need to do anything you can to survive. She (temporarily) won't seem so bad after a few hours away doing something lovely. Let someone else listen to her monologues for a bit!

Original poster
alliejay81 · 23/10/2019 20:56

Unfortunately I think you've hit the nail on the head there. It makes me sad to think there's probably not a lot I can do to improve the situation. I think some "me time" is probably the answer!

OP posts:
possumgoddess · 23/10/2019 20:57

My dearly loved mother-in-law was a little bit like this in the way that she would chat on about people or situations I knew nothing about but I put it down to her being on her own most of the time so when she had company it all came pouring out. I didn't mind, DH and I used to have a little giggle about it sometimes when we had been told at length all about Gladys and her legs and what she was going to do about the garden..... I miss her a lot. Obviously that doesn't account for her not listening to you, but could it be part of it do you think? You don't mention a FIL.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 23/10/2019 20:59

Are you in a location that has spa facilities? Get a day spa visit for yourself so you don't have to be around her for the full day.
Go out for long walks if you can?
Go to the cinema?
Read while listening to music?
This is your holiday too.
The way you've written your post she sounds like she's bored. She's also inviting you in to her world by going into so much detail. Try and sound interested.
Apart from that, I have no idea what you could do.

Majorcollywobble · 23/10/2019 21:01

YANBU
Her inane prattle will drive you to distraction unless you just switch off from it .
Sadly with someone so narcissistic you will never achieve the repartee which would bring the two of you closer together . She’s just too self obsessed for this to ever happen .
How does your DH cope ?
Can you just go down to the nearest pub or bar and leave her prattling merrily away to one of her FB pals ?
I’d love to hear your memories of your Grandmother if that helps - mine was marvellous and appropriately she used to be far more interested in others - she had no shortage of pals or visitors in old age either . And used to say when you are old and people ask how you are don’t darn well say anything but you’re in the pink otherwise no one visits !

Original poster
alliejay81 · 23/10/2019 21:08

@possum I don't mind the prattling on so muchWink. DH and I share a wry smile about it. She has been a widow for 9 years and it can get lonely, which is why we try to include her! It's the ignoring anything to do with anyone else that gets me down.

OP posts:
Original poster
alliejay81 · 23/10/2019 21:10

@Whatcha

I have tried to listen and engage. Unfortunately it does not improve things, it makes her worse Confused

OP posts:
CobaltLoafer · 23/10/2019 21:10

Say a lot of ‘mmmm, mmmhmmm, mmmm, uhuh...’ in the right places without actually listening. She doesn’t actually care what you think, you are just an audience.

All you can realistically do is reduce contact, so go from a full holiday to a long weekend next time for example. MIL could not be less interested in me/us. I spent years trying to engage her and it really isn’t going to happen. Lower expectations and reduce exposure Sad

Original poster
alliejay81 · 23/10/2019 21:14

@Major

Not entirely sure DH listens properly. And he has me to listen to him Wink. When he's tired, he can get a bit like it too, but nowhere near so bad!

OP posts:
tobedtoMNandfart · 23/10/2019 21:16

Read the first sentence of your OP & thought "well, there's your first mistake"!

CoffeeBeansGalore · 23/10/2019 21:18

Disengage yourself. Agree with dh to swop seats when each of you go to the loo/bar/etc so you at least only get it half the time?

Original poster
alliejay81 · 23/10/2019 21:19

@tobed

GrinGrinGrin

OP posts:
saraclara · 23/10/2019 21:22

How old is she? It seems to be common in a number of people as they age. My mum is shocking for it. I know every detail of her friends' lives. I've never even met them. She'd run out of things to tell her friends about her grandkids after about 30 seconds, because she changes the subject three seconds after I start telling her anything about our lives.

It terrifies me that I might turn into one of those people!

Fairyliz · 23/10/2019 21:26

Yes my mum used to be like this. I coped by making visits short and basically just daydreaming whilst I was with her with an occasional um and smile thrown in.
I can remember driving her back from a day out and Dd, who had just learned to tell the time, proudly announcing ‘grandma you have been talking for a whole hour. Didn’t shut her up though!

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 23/10/2019 21:30

Dd, who had just learned to tell the time, proudly announcing ‘grandma you have been talking for a whole hour

Bless her Grin

I hope she got extra pocket money for that gem!

FthisS · 23/10/2019 21:31

I once sat through two hours of discussions between mil and gpil about a wedding. It was only the wedding between Molly and Tyrone on coronation street Confused. I'm so glad we are now nc (not because of the wedding of the year).

Helendee · 23/10/2019 21:33

My MIL is like this but she is 85 and a total narcissist!
It’s just who she is and we just put up with it, it’s annoying but no one is perfect and it’s only for a few hours a month.
The works really does seem to shrink for a lot of people as they age and they have too much time in their hands.

Helendee · 23/10/2019 21:34

I mean the world not the works.

CurbsideProphet · 23/10/2019 21:36

My MIL's conversation topics revolve around what she's watched on telly / her various ailments / people who have slighted her. My mum is a good conversationalist, so I find MIL tricky to spend an afternoon with.

WaningGibbous · 23/10/2019 21:51

I spoke to MIl for the first time in ages this week. After I put the phone down DH - who speaks to her weekly - put his hand up listed 10 subjects that he knew she would have told me about. He was dead on the money Grin

LellyMcKelly · 23/10/2019 21:52

My mum is like this, and she’s recently been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder. She’s probably had it for her whole adult life. What works with my mum (and I adore my mum) is to ask for advice, or help with doing something, or asking ‘what do you think about this...recipe...outfit...(benign) news story?’ She’s actually a good conversationalist with some great ideas. My mum has a problem with being silent in company. She’s almost so anxious for conversation that she can’t listen because she’s thinking of the next thing to say, so she doesn’t listen, and I get the same questions and stories over and over. Try presenting her with a ‘what do you think about...?’ She will really enjoy and value it.

cheeseislife8 · 23/10/2019 21:55

I feel your pain OP. My FIL is like this, and even my lovely MIL finds it draining these days.

Try and fenagle yourself some me time! It'll soon be over. And failing that, wine

Janaih · 23/10/2019 22:03

my ex fil was like this. he could talk a glass eye to sleep. my ex sil's mil once said to him after one of his monologues "that's nice but I'm not really interested"

she was a stuck up cow but I loved her in that moment.

user1487194234 · 23/10/2019 22:04

Apparently you have taken my DM on holiday,thanks!
Years and years of this have taught me that they will never change,you just have to develop coping mechanisms Gin is my main one Smile

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