Comment

[potatopotato12]

I have twins - it's difficult to give them 1:1 attention and when I asked my friend whether she was going to have another one she said, no - I want my child to be in school before I have another one so I can give them the right attention. It just made me feel so bad she said that - am I being sensitive? I just feel so bad as I am trying to give my babies the best. I take them out everyday - I want them to be exposed to language and develop their skills.

I think you are being sensitive to what was a thoughtless comment. Everyone has different opinions on what is the best age gap between siblings and it is based on various things. She may not feel she can give the right attention to 2 close in age, but it doesn't mean other people can't. It certainly doesn't mean that you aren't giving your twins the best. Different things work for different families

Yes, you're being sensitive.

She was talking about her, not you.

Golden rule: Don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.

She answered and it wasn't about you and your family, it was about her wants.

Maybe be a good friend and listen without making about you.

I think you are being slightly over sensitive. I bet you're doing a great job and I'm sure your friend didn't mean it as a criticism of you.

Way over sensitive- everyone has their own idea of the “perfect” age gap- pros and cons to everything in life

When I had dd1, I couldn't contemplate having another baby until she went to school because I found the baby/toddler stage so hard. I was traumatised to be honest - she had colic and it was awful. And the nursery fees were so expensive too! Im sure I might have trotted out some crap about 1:1 time or wanting to give her time to just me and her when someone asked me about another baby. Truth was, I couldn't cope. Dd2 came along when dd1 was 5.5 and honestly, waiting was probably best for us financially and for my mental health but, it caused more issues with dd1 than if we'd had a small gap. Dd1 has really struggled to accept having a sister and regularly still wishes it was just the 3 of us. Please ignore your friends comment, it probably wasn't meant as a negative against you.

If she specifically knew this was a raw nerve for you then you might have reason to be upset

If it was a throwaway comment then I wouldn't give it any more thought

YABVU to ask whether she was going to have another baby in the first place. If she didn't volunteer that information it is a very bad idea to go fishing, there are some many reasons why that could be a hurtful question to hear. Perhaps it was, and she was a bit flustered about how best to answer, so just trotted out some excuse.

She asked me first so I asked her back.

People have different views, but I think a bit of a thoughtless comment from your friend when you clearly already have two children at once.

I've come across a few people who trot out this line. Don't let other people's choices impact your position. They can have a ton of reasons why they personally would struggle with 2 under 5. There are squillions of people out there with multiples, or just 2 or more close in age and those children are happy, thriving and get plenty of attention. Yes family dynamic is different with closer age gaps/multiples, that doesn't mean it's worse!

Twin parenting is guilt ridden daily, don’t add to it by taking this sort of thing to heart or you’ll make yourself ill. You will be doing amazingly for your babies. Your friend is making that choice for her and you can make your own too. She would not have said it to hurt you or make you feel bad at all. She won’t even be thinking about the fact you already have two, honestly. I have four (twins are 3&4) and these comments aren’t about you at all. Try not to feel upset.

Thank you. I have been so stressed about it since she said it. It really hit a nerve. She's also been posting things about all the expensive things her baby has and I feel like I'm failing buying things off ebay for mine. They are always clean and happy (hopefully) but her comment has made me spin and lose confidence. I really don't know why.

I assume you had no choice but to have two babies at the same time - you could hardly help it!

Let her spend how much money she wants to - it won’t make much difference in the end. The babies will hardly notice how expensive things were!

You’re doing a great job OP!!

Just forget it...she's making a choice. You have twins...you're doing the best job you can. It's not like you can put one back! I'd assume it was a throwaway comment and she just wasn't thinking.

Thank you. I think I was just confronted with someone thinking having 2 babies spaced apart was better and I believed it. Pros and cons I suppose. I'm just doing my best.

You have no choice over having twins though! Try not to compare your lifestyles. In my experience, perfect lives on facebook are rarely a reflection of reality. Your kids are happy, the environment benefits too when you buy second hand. for you.

As a twin parent I wouldn't worry.
My dc had someone who supported and understood how difficult starting school was, moving to secondary school was, starting puberty, first girlfriend/boyfriend, who is always able to go to the film you want to see, old enough for the physical activity you want to do etc.
No age gap is perfect, but after the first year I reckon twins are as good as it gets.

Your friend is in the position of, potentially, being able to choose. You’re not. It is what it is. Also, obviously, parents do manage to raise twins successfully - you will too.