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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After school activities

25 replies

legolegolegolego · 23/10/2019 16:14

DH and I fell out today as he didn’t want to take ds to his swimming lesson because he was too tired. DH works 12 hour shifts but finished early today. An hour before the lesson he said he couldn’t take him but by then it was too late for me to get the bus with ds. Ds has already missed 3 lessons this term and this would be the 4th. Ds has had to give up clubs before as DH refused to take him with our 3 year old in tow(I work too). Aibu to say that’s what a parent does (take them to clubs/parties)even if they are tired? He does 1-1 swimming lessons which I pay for and are v.expensive. DH has now taken him but is not speaking to me as I’m “forcing my agenda” and is going to his mums for tea afterwards so will be back “very late” AIBU?

OP posts:
JasonPollack · 23/10/2019 16:49

No, he's being a dick. Why are you the only one paying for activities? Will your ds also be back late?

SaveTheTreesPlease · 23/10/2019 16:59

YANBU and yes, he is being a dick. That aside, why will he be “back very late” from his mum’s? Does he do this often?

Horcrux · 23/10/2019 17:02

Has he gone to his mums to whinge about you? Like a child does? Is your ds going there too?... If so, at least you won’t have to make dinner which I can guess is normally your job?

Loopytiles · 23/10/2019 17:03

Your H was U.

“Forcing your agenda” of enabling your DC to learn to swim? Of him doing some parenting?

Loopytiles · 23/10/2019 17:04

Is he taking DS to his mum’s late, to punish you somehow?

seaweedandmarchingbands · 23/10/2019 17:05

TBH, I dislike the tyranny after-school clubs seem to inflict on exhausted people, children and parents. Did he agree to the lessons to start with?

Original poster
legolegolegolego · 23/10/2019 17:09

Yes, DS will also apparently be “back very late” as in his mums is the only place he can “get a decent meal”. Lovely.

OP posts:
Original poster
legolegolegolego · 23/10/2019 17:09

Oops I mean dh not ds

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 23/10/2019 17:09

And my DD has a club which we both pay for (Saturday mornings) and if my DH said he was too tired to take her (works full time) and I couldn’t because I was working, I wouldn’t mind a bit. He matters as well.

Original poster
legolegolegolego · 23/10/2019 17:10

Loopy - yes, it’s to punish me. I had a whole meal planned but he’s taking ds there to get back at me

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 23/10/2019 17:14

That’s emotionally abusive behaviour.

Original poster
legolegolegolego · 23/10/2019 17:15

I do appreciate that he’s tired and I told him that I could have taken ds if he’d let me know sooner. I would definitely let this one slide but ds has already missed 3 lessons this term and it’s the last one tonight. Ds also refused to let me get the bus (there would have been time, it just would have been a rush) as he wouldn’t be left stuck with our toddler.

OP posts:
Original poster
legolegolegolego · 23/10/2019 17:17

seaweedandmarchingbands - he did agree to lessons and is a strong swimmer himself. Ds is just getting the hang of it and missing lessons is going to set him back which would be a shame

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 23/10/2019 17:21

Well, he sounds annoyed and possibly lazy. How is the relationship overall? Because I wouldn’t mind this really, but my DH generally works his arse off and is respectful.

CAG12 · 23/10/2019 17:28

Hes being really selfish

notsohippychick · 23/10/2019 17:32

Surely it’s not hard to take a child to a swimming lesson? He doesn’t have to do much just help get changed! Surely he can sit on his arse for the duration.

He’s being a turd. Ignore him when he gets home. He’s bejng a child.

Shoutymomma · 23/10/2019 17:39

Text him and suggest he stays over at his mum’s so you can enjoy a restful night’s sleep without him snoring. Freeze tonight’s supper and serve it tomorrow with a flourish, saying “Ah, my last meal! What will I do with all the free time I have now I no longer have to cook?” (Be sure to embellish the plate by writing the word PRICK on it in balsamic glaze.)

Original poster
legolegolegolego · 23/10/2019 17:39

The swimming pool is a 30 minute drive away so it’s mainly the having to drive there. Once there he would just have to sit and watch. Just offered DH a homemade meal when him and ds get home(our first family meal in a week) and he’s still going to his mums instead

OP posts:
notacooldad · 23/10/2019 17:44

To be honest it sounds like the swimming lesson issue is a red herring.it sounds like he wants to be controlling and then make you suffer.
I've never heard of a parent claiming a child having swimming lessons fits someone's agenda in a negative way.
You definitely have a husband problem.

ShinyGiratina · 23/10/2019 17:49

I occasionally miss one, usually swimming if I'm shattered, but I'll look at it in the context of their recent attendance, and swimming in particular is a faffy drive to another town, plus spending 2.5 hours between two badly times lessons and hanging around a noisy uncomfortable environment is sometimes more than I'm in a mood to tolerate.

However, sabbotaging a child's activity by not deciding until too late for an alternative, refusing to look after your own children, obstructing them from learning important skills through activities and going off in a sulk to mess up the rest of the evening is completely unreasonable.

Passthecherrycoke · 23/10/2019 17:49

There could be all sorts going on here. Lots of parents don’t like making the effort to do after school activities and if he’s one then you have a fundamental mismatch in parenting. My children do ECA and both of us support this- I’ll admit I drive it but DH is supportive.

Or, he’s tired this once, I think that is acceptable, and if it’s not the reason that your DS missed the last 3 lessons then it’s a bit of a red herring (even though it makes missing today even more irritating)

A pretty crap day though OP, hugs. I don’t know how you manage it all with only one of you driving though. We’re also missing today’s lesson because the car is in the garage. Wouldn’t even consider public transport

Original poster
legolegolegolego · 23/10/2019 17:59

Passthecherrycoke - the last lesson he missed was because he didn’t think he would have made it in time as I was finishing work later. I did think he would have made it but I let that slide. The other 2 were due to illness and unavoidable. He’s not bothered about ECA but I am so I guess we clash!

OP posts:
Original poster
legolegolegolego · 23/10/2019 18:01

It’s a shame as I would have happily taken ds if dh had told me earlier in the day. But he refused to stay alone with ds(3) if I was bussing it

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 23/10/2019 18:03

So this is the first time he’s said he’s tired and needs to sit this one out? Confused

In all honesty, I wouldn’t appreciate my DH being angry with me over something like this when I was working 12 hour shifts.

dollyandshirl · 23/10/2019 19:44

He's being selfish and a whiner. DC activities is part of the job, we're all knackered.

If he's minced off to his mummy's for a whinge, tell the big baby to get his laundry done while he's there and to fuck off until he grows up.

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