Who's wrong here?

[fulltimeworkingmotherof4]

My eldest DD is 18, her dad and I have not been together for 12 years but have always got along just fine. He's never been a very present father but if asked he would engage. As she got older it was for lifts, money, the usual teenage stuff.

For the last few months he's being seeing a new woman, no issues with that, he even wants to get divorced now, again no issues it was just something we never got round to. All financial stuff was sorted years ago. Anyway, he introduced DD to the new woman and it didn't go well, apparently there was no effort made by her dad and the new woman so my DD, who i admit is white hard faced left the meal after a big argument with her dad. Since then he's pretty much ignored her and even though she's asked to meet him (alone) to sort things out he said he won't do it without new woman!

He's told me not to interfere and that it's all my 18 year olds fault. Since he stopped paying maintenance she's been like this. I've never known him to be like this it's like he's under a spell from new woman. This is his only child and she's very upset and angry he's being like this.

Who's in the wrong?

Neither.
Was your daughter rude to the new woman?

I think at 18 years old, you need to leave them to sort it out between themselves.

He is obviously, he's putting his new g/f above his DD which is awful. Unfortunately there really is not alot you can do about it other than be there for your daughter

Well he is, but it's a story you see again and again. Man meets new woman, disengages from children by previous woman (although it doesn't sound like he was that engaged in the first place). This may be the start of the end of their relationship.

Neither.
Was your daughter rude to the new woman?

I disagree, even if it was all the daughters fault, I still think her dad should have agreed to meet her on her own and see what's going on with her. If she was rude, maybe she's feeling threatened or insecure and needs some reassurance from her dad before meeting the g/f again. Forcing her to meet with them both could just make things worse imo

@LochJessMonster I don't think she was rude, just quiet. I'm the first to admit she's very hard faced and has the most amazing resting bitch face but apparently no effort was made from new woman.
In the end they didn't even eat, just came back inside after going out to smoke and said to her I'm taking you home now because you're not talking. She said forget it and walked back. This was about 4 weeks ago now and it still isn't sorted. I'm getting involved because she's upset 😢

@AryaStarkWolf this is exactly my thoughts. No matter how old she is she's his only daughter and he should make more of an effort.

@RogersVideo I'm worried it won't get sorted out but even though he's not been great it's never been like this.

It feels like everyone was defensive but if he's been single for 12 years I can understand why this is difficult for both your ex and DD.

They're all adults and any one of them can easily fix this by just saying "let's try again."

How long did she spend with this woman then, OP? Because it doesn't sound as if it was very long if they didn't even eat - did she speak to her at all?

@AmIThough he's not been single for 12 years, has had several relationships in this period. Sorry for the drop feeding. There's never been an issue with previous women.

What exactly happened? Did they try to chat and she just sat with a face on?

Or did ex and new woman not even try to speak to her?

@ChicCroissant so it wasn't very long at all. She got picked up, said hi and didn't get anything back apart from hi, then they get to the pub, get a drink and no conversation apparently then the dad and new woman go outside to smoke and come in and say you're going! I think DD is hurt because obviously they were discussing her outside.

@onthecoins I'm not saying my daughter was perfect I can imagine she was probably hard work, but still if I introduced her to a new partner even at 18 I'd expect my new man to make an effort and some allowances. Not just send her home after 15 mins

It doesn't actually matter who was in the wrong, it's not your business. Your daughter is an adult and so is your ex, and it's up to them to decide how and if their relationship will continue. If your daughter asks you for advice, it's fine to discuss it with her, but you can't do more than that. Her father has to make his own decisions and so does she.

Sorry, but at 18 it's up to her to sort this out.

If she really wants to sort things out with her Dad, she needs to apologise for being moody and rude. Doesn't sound like she was particularly friendly or making an effort.

However, her Dad also needs to apologise for also being rude, totally over-reacting, putting his new squeeze before his DAUGHTER and acting like a bloody sulky teenager ever since.

Suggest you send a text to BOTH of them saying "You're both adults, it's up to you both to meet up and sort this out. From now on, leave me out of it."

Totally agree she's an adult but she's asking me for advice and all I said to him was that he needed to sort things with her because she's his daughter. I've just text her and told her to be the bigger person, and that she'll feel better for it.

Your daughter has asked to see her dad alone without his new girlfriend and her dad won’t so he is very much in the wrong because he’s not giving things a chance to get sorted out, instead it will fester and get worse.

It sounds like she was wrong to be a bit moody. But although technically an adult, lots of 18 year olds are still at school so I dont think its fair to expect the same maturity in an 18 year old as say a 40 year old.

The father is being very unreasonable, firstly he over reacted to a bit of moodiness and send her home instead of trying to discuss it, and secondly unless your daughter was rude directly to the gf and an apology is needed, the issue is between the dad and daughter and it's a bit mean to refuse to meet and discuss.

It sounds like he wants it both ways - treats her like an adult in that he expects her to take equal responsibility for developing a relationship with the gf, but treat her like a child in sending her home rather than talking it through and dictating that his gf be involved in future meetings

I'm not really sure what you can do though. He not going to listen to you and change his behaviour. I guess you could suggest you all get together and discuss it so that your daughter feels like there is someone on her side? If he gets to take gf to the discussion then she gets a supporter there as well. And practice what to say with her that gets her point across without being sulky or aggressive

I'd stay out of it. Perhaps be a sounding board for your daughter but make it clear her and her father need to work it out. Who was in the wrong doesn't help. Which of them is going to do something to improve things is surely the only way forward?

All really good suggestions thanks guys. Will update when I get home later.

I think from the way you've written your OP you biased it to make it look like your ex is in the wrong, whereas in reality we dont know what happened/what was said at the meal.

He should be making more of an effort though, its fairly petty to only want to meet with the new woman present