To limit a 17 year olds phone time?

[MyMommyYourMommy]

17 year old daughter is glued to her phone all the time. It is probably not doing her mental health any favours and it is certainly affecting her school work. I would be of the opinion usually that, at 17, she is old enough to make decisions that affect her future herself. Or at least have a big input into them but is she too old for me to be allowing her, say two hours an evening with her phone? She does not want to work (part time job) or study just wants to hide in her room with her phone.

She's basically an adult. Good luck trying to enforce that. YABU

Good luck with that

I get why you want to, but in less than a year she'll be using the I'm 18 card.
Work with her to help her control it instead of setting limits. Is she depressed? Can you help her find things to engage with? What does she want to do with the future? Is she overwhelmed and hiding on the phone. Find positive things she'd rather do instead and do them with her.
Bond and talk instead of arbitrary rules - (the rules will not be enforceable in less than a year), the bonding is harder but sets you up long term.

Encourage her to regulate her usage herself.

Let her know that unless things change you will stop paying for the phone (assume you are paying if she's not working?)

I completely get (and encourage) the "you're old enough now to regulate yourself, etc" but she's not doing it! She's in a serious school year and seems to be giving up rather than facing up to her responsibilities. I don't know how else to help her.

YABU. Yes it’s a serious school year but if she doesn’t do well, she only has herself to blame. She needs to step up and she needs to learn self control

She’s 17 and she can decide for herself how much time she spends on her phone. Let it go.

She's at a perfect age to be left to fuck up.

She'll still have options and will learn from her mistakes.

I know 30+ year olds who were never given the same opportunity and they are still being micro managed and bailed out by their parents.

When they're toddlers we have to let them learn not to fall over, yes they get graised knees, but they learn to walk on their own two feet.

How do you suppose you’ll be able to do that? It’s unenforceable!!

You are totally right it will be affecting her mental health she will be constantly doing what 17 year olds do on phones and is there evidence it is affecting her school work ? I would step in and tell her how I felt about it yes she is 17 nearly an adult blah de blah but I do think they need a bit of guidance still.

YABU. The only way to make her take some responsibility is to stop paying her phone bill.

Other than that, it's up to her.

I'd have an adult conversation about it with her - one where you don't treat her as the 'child'.

That's about it - she's so close to being an adult you need to take a sort of 'coaching' approach now helping her as adult to adult work things through.

If you regulate her like a child she will either rebel or won't learn how to regulate her own behaviour which is a skill she needs to have.

I agree with PP if you take the phone off of her she is likely to just rebel anyway. She needs to want to do well and focus you making her won't change a thing. Try and have a grown up conversation with her, explain that you are worried that she is spending too much time on her phone and see what she says. Or offer to help her study/make a study plan with her

I can see why you feel like this, it must be so frustrating! But, I agree that you can't really regulate her phone usage in the same way you did as she was younger.

If you're worried about school work, could you arrange a meeting with the two of you and her tutor to look at her current performance. What are her aims for her next steps?

Who’s paying for the phone if she isn’t working? If it’s you cut her off.

I'm in my 30s and even I need to put my phone away to get on with tasks such as essays etc. I worked 25 mins, break, work for 25 mins, break. Sometimes I've got into it and got past the 25 mins. It wouldn't happen if my phone was distracting me.
Maybe suggest she puts it in another rooms for an hour or so while she does what she needs to do.
Do you have film nights/watch series together without phones?
Have a no tech meal times rule?

If you pay the contract stop it and buy a £10 a month top up

Sounds like phone is more a symptom than an underlying problem.

Have you discussed her future options? What does she want to do/be?

What happens if she fails her exams?

Does she gave any social life?

As much as I understand your reckoning, YABVU.

For all you know, your DD is using her phone during homework in order to chat with her class mates about the homework they were all doing together virtually. Mine turned out to be doing this when we pulled her up on constantly fiddling with her phone when she was meant to be working, she showed us the conversations.

On top of that, important school years come with a ton of stress & they also need to be able to let their hair down with others who understand what they are going through. Pressure on them is far worse than it has ever been, so as much as we might think we know what they are coping with, we really don't. So her phone is important to her & it would be a very cruel & controlling thing to do to a 17 yo

She’s too old for you to control in that way IMO.

Sounds like phone is more a symptom than an underlying problem.

I agree with this

If she's struggling with school and using the phone as a form of escapism, taking the phone away isnt going to fix things. All you'd be doing is taking away her method of dealing with the stress of whatevers bothering her. I wouldn't be surprised if it damaged your relationship.

If you pay the contract, cancel it and she'll have to pay out of her own pocket.

That's all you can really do - she's 17, you can't control her in that way.

If you’re paying her contract you’re not doing her any favours. Change the contract to most basic one or cancel it.