AIBU - yet another school thread!

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

Please advise me, I'm pregnant and hugely hormonal so I don't know if I'm over reacting or if this teacher is a total jerk...

Just to stress, I'm usually the most laid back person on the planet, always support the school, very easy going towards the teachers at my children's school (they're all lovely, bar one). Examples for background, youngest child had his one month old iPad purposefully smashed by another student at school (school in Australia so iPads compulsory) - teacher knew but no evidence, she was apologetic and despite being grr I just made zero fuss. Youngest child gets hot glue all over hands in lesson, second degree burns etc... Again lovely teacher admitted her mistakes of not being able to properly supervise and apologized profusely. All good, I don't complain, pamper son and move on. That's how laid back I usually am.

Now cut to the chase. Yesterday group of kids riding a scooter at lunch time. 12 of them. My older son admits he rode scooter (Yay honesty), owns up and gets 2 detentions: one at lunch and one after school. All good, I'm OK with that. The other 11 kids lied, including the one who actually physically broke the scooter lock. They all get off, no punishment. The teacher dealing with them got up in my son's face and really let rip into him, telling him he is a liar.

Anyhow, I've just collected son (he's 14 btw) from after school detention. I have no family to assist with school run so had to wait around for an hour. Husband is interstate. Due to this, I have had to cancel my hospital appointment for my IV medication, was supposed to be there at 4pm, when detention ended. Couldn't leave eldest son at school, rural and not within walking distance. Hospital is over an hour away.

Anyhow, I didn't want to discuss the situation too much with the male teacher as he really is an arrogant man on a power trip. We'd briefly exchanged emails yesterday about situation as I was curious as to why only 1 out of 12 boys were being punished. He told me several witnesses AND my older son said he was the only person on the scooter. I know this is untrue, his twin sister witnessed the entire event. When other students tried to interject, he dismissed them.

While asking him for clarification, things escalated quickly. He kept getting really close and up in my face trying to intimidate me. So much so that I stopped the conversation and asked him to back off. Fair dues, he did. Everytime I spoke, he told me I was lying?!!! He minicked/mocked everything I was saying in a stupid voice, trying to be funny? He never addressed my issue at all, he kept going off on tangents.

I briefly turned my head to check my other two children were still on the school premises and the cf said "now let's look each other in the eye before continuing this conversation without your eyes flickering all over the place".
This is when I'd had enough, I didn't feel well (I'm really not well at the moment and heavily pregnant), I was annoyed with his what I believe to be unprofessional behaviour, that I just said I can't continue this conversation with you (I raised my voice) and walked off. He proceeded to follow me to the car park, but when I turned around he did creep back to the school.

Please someone help me make sense of this. Or hand hold me. Anything. I hate confrontation and I don't know if I was unreasonable. I never want a repeat of that. I know he's going to be slagging me off in the staff room (though I have a good reputation at the school as being a good, supportive parent and always friendly). Just arghhhh :-(

My husband thinks I need to email the he'd but I think, what's the point. He's a very good liar and will deny all of this. Although he does have a reputation among other teachers and parents of being an idiot. Just the head is new and she doesn't know me personally like the old head teacher. I just believe he will deny and make up that I was shouting at him about my son getting a detention.

Sorry this has dragged on. Just needed to clear my head.

Please be nice!!! Love from Oz X

I just feel that if I was a father, he'd never have spoken to me like that or invaded my personal space?

What do I do? Tell head anyway or just let it slide?

I think you have a legitimate complaint about the way he spoke to you. With regards to your son’s punishment, he admitted it, which means he should accept his punishment. He isn’t and you aren’t responsible for the outcomes for the other children.

Definetly contact headteacher or head of year. That only one child was punished is bad and his attitude to you was awful. Just be factual and calm.

Absolutely explain what happened to the head, and escalate to the board of governors or equivalent if not dealt with adequately. This is appalling behaviour. If you put the details in writing as you have here (even if just to be passed over during a meeting with the head) they can hardly dismiss it as lies. Other staff will be aware of your positive history with the school.

My emphasis would also be on the teacher’s behaviour towards you. But can also ask how the head would wish the school to deal with a situation where one child admits their guilt and others who were clearly involved don’t.

Hi OP
Feel sorry for you.. you must write to the head teacher this guy is a bully and such attitude shoyld not be underrated. If he can behave like this to you, call you a lier he can be much worse to the kids.. please report... congrats on the pregnancy.

Thanks all for your replies.
I just didn't know if I was over reacting.
My son happily (well, you know) attended his detentions today. I suppose I was just disappointed that a) he was called a liar despite being honest, and b) the children who did lie didn't receive any consequences. There were witnesses who were happy to provide their sightings, but the teacher told them (witnesses) to go otherwise they'll be in detention. I know it's not my business. I wish now I didn't even querie it. It's just my son has a great reputation with all the teachers except this one. And this is becoming more and more of a frequent event. Feel like I'm going mad thinking he has some deep rooted personal issue with my son!

Anyway thank you all for responding. Appreciate that more than you'll ever know. Just needed to get my head together and question my sanity for a minute there! You're all legends. X

Threatening, intimidating and abusive behaviour is how I would describe that.

It sounds appalling.

If you wish to make a complaint, you should do so formally.

I would definitely call that threatening behaviour.

Lay it out plainly, exactly how threatening and intimidating he was.

His repeatedly calling you a liar.
His following you to the car park is very threatening.

I don't know what real satisfaction you'll get bar making things uncomfortable for him and his behaviour will be flagged.

Ask for what action will be taken.

You may want to log it with your local police force.

Bullys like that don't behave like that in isolation.

Again you will be flagging it.

What satisfaction you get beyond knowing you have pissed on his day I don't know but if you kick up a nice big fuss via BOM, Principal, local police, you probably will get the satisfaction of softening his cough.

That is not normal teacher behaviour by anyone's estimation.

Can you engage him in conversation again today, explaining the above and why it was inexcusable, but record it?
He can't call you a liar if it's recorded at the time.
The guys a bullying jerk, of that's what he is like to you whilst there are no witnesses, god knows what he is like to students in his class.
And yes to contacting Head, the others should have been punished as well, all he has done is reinforce that honesty gets you punished but lying gets you off Scot free.

In your letter you should ask why he threaten eye witnesses, who wished to give a truthful account with detection.

You are in the right here.
If he is victimising your son, or there is a perception of that. Call it out and ask for answers.

Everything on paper is the answer and copying BOM etc. Asking for it to be fully investigated and for when you will get a reply.

Also mention escalating to the Dept of Ed.

Teachers are not allowed to threaten and abuse parents.

You will be flagging his behaviour.

Mind yourself 💐

This guy is the head of the middle school too :(
Gah! Just my luck. I know deep down he will not admit to any of this behaviour and make out that I am the one who is lying and causing trouble. Just baffles me why some people choose professions they're clearly not suited to.
I suspect he intimates a lot of the teachers at the school, they're all super young and female and he's head of the year, been there years and years. That's why I don't know if it's worth rocking the boat and causing more stress for myself by escalating what happened.

You're right though, he is a bully. He does have a reputation but because he's always making light of things, I think his colleagues only think it's his "quirky" personality and will probably just say "oh she's a snowflake" or whatever about me. I don't know if I'll be believed. Plus he's the sort who'll also punish my children on the sly because I've now said something.

Aghhhh some men (and women!) are bullies aren't they?!

Thank you all again. This has helped me. X

Thank you!! I'll calm down this evening and email the head teacher tomorrow with my version of events.

I don't want to engage in any further conversation with him, childish as that sounds, I just don't want to. I feel he was very sexist in how he conversed.

I get the last laugh anyway, he's like 4'9 and old and wider than he is tall. He clearly has to exert his power by being mean. Now I'm being mean, but it's made me feel better 😂

How did you get on?

Little man syndrome?

I'd make a formal complaint to the education authority.
It's not the punishment that's the issue, or even that the others weren't punished.

It's his bullying and aggressive manner that's hugely inappropriate. You're a grown woman, you can handle him, but presumably he'd behave in the same way towards a 13 year old girl questioning his authority. It needs addressing.

I saw him this morning.
He asked if I was OK and have my hormones "calmed down"! I advised him that I do not wish to enter a conversation with him, especially as that comment was not appropriate and could be considered sexist. He chuckled and said "what are you going to do about that"? I ignored him, had already told him I wouldn't converse with him and didn't want to give him the satisfaction. He then said something along the lines of who'd anyone believe, the mum going crazy because her son got in trouble or the teacher who has worked there for X amount of years....
Walked off. As could have punched him.

Have documented everything. Have spoken to other parents as word got out about yesterday and they asked if I'm OK. This man has a heavy reputation for bullying not just pupils, but also colleagues and other parents!

I've decided I'm not complaining right now. It's a private religious school and I know he will lie his way out. Instead I'm gathering evidence and other parents who will be happy to step forward with me to eventually complain.

Students have left the school because of him and have used him as the reason their child left. So people (senior staff) are aware of his reputation, he clearly has some hold over someone higher up. But don't worry, his little world will come crashing down...

Plus I needed today to be stress free as was feeling way too ill to even care at one stage.

This man is such a bully! Literally nobody likes or respects him.

Deffo short man syndrome I think.

Wow. He sounds like a dick. Really unprofessional and sexist

He really sounds like a nasty piece of work.
💐

IME you can’t win against people like this. He sounds like a bullying piece of shit who will just deny everything. Keep away from him. Also I don’t think telling him that his hormone comment was sexist/inappropriate will help. He got the reaction from you that he was after, like any bully. I’d have ignored him.

If he's the head of the middle school it's probably best to move your kids. I'm surprised people aren't leaving in droves

You absolutely can win against people like this, Kaddm. Usually if enough people report to someone well above the head, to the person/organisation with responsibility for the wellbeing of the kids and school. I’ve done it while working for a bullying head. She was eventually removed. Not always of course, but it’s no reason not to try.

AuntyElle thank you, that was inspiring to hear your experience. I've no doubt we can stand up to him. I'm not even going to consider moving my children from the school because aside from him, they're so happy.

It took a while, Hellofromtheotherside2020. Document everything. I would send a summary of your experience to the head and the religious organisation that oversees the school. We were desperate for more parents to complain formally. If this teacher is endlessly accusing parents, kids and other teachers of lying then it eventually puts him in a very difficult position.
I don’t know what the Aus equivalent of Ofsted is, but bullying by teachers is a serious safeguarding issue.