DH didn't tell me about cancer scare

[chubbyspice]

DH discovered a lump of few months ago - he's cagey about how long ago exactly. He only told me tonight about the lump and that he was at the GP last week and was at consultant today. They did an ultrasound and it looks like it is just something that needs to be drained so should be ok. However, I'm furious that he left it so long to get checked. We have two DC so whatever about his own feelings he should be thinking of them. I'm obviously relieved that it's probably ok but really upset that he kept me in the dark and that he didn't get it checked sooner. Reasons for not getting it checked were embarassment and hoping it would go away.

I kind of get the "not wanting to worry anyone else until he knew what it was" element.
I don't understand the 'waiting for several months' - to me that is just stupidity, but it is, apparently incredibly common for people to bury their head in the sand when they don't want to hear what the news might have been.

Your dh has my sympathy. I can be head in the sand hoping it goes away, especially if there''s an embarrassment factor.

The dichotomy of not wanting to worry you while he was most probably worried sick himself.

Give him a big hug and tell him not to leave it so long next time he has a health issue.

Hoping that, once whatever it is has been drained, you do not have any further cause for concern.

My father is like this, and apparently his father was worse and his own wife didn’t even know he had cancer until he was either dying or dead. It’s incredibly unfair.

I don’t actually buy into the “didn’t want to worry you” thing. I suspect it’s more about them not wanting to deal with what’s happening.

Sounds like they think it’s nothing, OP. But here’s your chance to make it clear to your DH his actions affect you and your children. He has an obligation to seek medical attention early if something is off and keep you in the loop.

How would he react if you did this to him?

In my experience it’s often codependent people who don’t want to worry you. Most normal people would confide in you and ask for support.

Your Dh is selfish.

Boob wasn't right on the Wednesday, ok on the Thursday, voice told me to check anyway, did so in the shower............small lump.

From GP appointment to surgery eight weeks, awaiting treatment plan tomorrow.

Anyone who knowingly delays is a selfish Dick.

My grandfather apparently had increasingly bad symptoms over many months. Told nobody.
When he was in a position where he simply couldn't bear the pain, that's when he told my grandmother and she got the doctor.
Three weeks later he was dead of liver cancer.
This has been built into one of those family myths about how tough and brave and old school he was.
Utter crap. It could have been treated had he had the first symptoms checked ten months previously.
Still makes me mad on my grandmother's behalf. She lost the love of her life in the space of three weeks.

Wow. Man might have cancer and somehow he still gets lambasted.

I can understand why you're upset BUT he's OK, it was a false alarm and I think with the culture of men not seeing their doctor/not opening up etc the fact he actually DID go should be applauded. Imagine if he had not have gone to his GP at all and it actually was cancer.

I genuinely understand why you're annoyed, being kept in the dark by someone you love obviously isn't right but in a situation like this I personally would be focusing on the silver lining and thanking my lucky stars that my husband is not facing a potentially life threatening illness.

@user1471517900 My grandfather and a PP’s also had cancer and their own wives didn’t know until they were dead/dying. Do you think that’s fair?

It was stupid of him to delay, but I'm sure he knows that. Many people are head-in-the-sand about things which frighten them.

Just tell him how much he matters to you and that he'd jolly well better get himself to the doctor faster next time something worries him, because you love him and are planning to be with him in your old age.

As for telling you, I don't agree that he owed it to you to tell you at this stage. I think it is okay to keep some worries from a partner for a while. Personally I would sometimes rather just deal with my own worry rather than deal with my worry plus my partner's worry. If/when he had got a definite diagnosis and it was serious, that would be a good time to tell you.

Pre-diagnosis is a bleak lonely dark place where time drags and horror fills your every waking moment. No one has the right to judge how we deal with existing minute to minute at that time. Some will share, others won’t. Respect their judgement whether you think it’s right or wrong, and stop making it all about you. Jeez.

Stop being angry at him l. He was worri ed and MAYBE left it too long.. Even if he had told you, it wouldn't have changed anything. He has Hass a hard time and was worri d, he was trying to protect you and was probably very scared himself. Why would.you be furious? Poor bloke

To me, that’s two different points.
Yes, he should have got it checked out ASAP, but I understand why he was hoping not to have to face the reality of cancer. Still, that’s what a responsible adult does.
But not telling you? Sometimes sharing just increases the emotional burden of dealing. You don’t get the opportunity to switch off, or process distressing information privately and in your own time, because you have a partner asking questions, theorising, looking at you worriedly...suddenly you are carrying them as well.
Until he knew the truth, I understand the not sharing bit.

I guess your anger is stemming from fear

I found a lump earlier this year and like a PP said - it's a very dark and lonely place with constant worrying. I did tell my DP but there was nothing he could do at all or say that would help.

I wouldn't be too hard on your DH. Yes, he should have gone earlier but it's a very difficult time for him.

What someone else said- a huge hug and heartfelt thank god you are okay. Then ask that if anything else happens when either of you are concerned, you will seek help fast as you don’t want to risk your health. Or his. But stop being angry. Imagine the other outcome that it could have been- and be grateful.