My son is now 23 (I have a daughter aged 20 also) and seems to hate me, and has done for the past 14 years or so. His father left when he was 3 and he had a loving stable childhood. Meals were home cooked, friends allowed to stay often, trips etc and bedtime stories and cuddles plentiful. There wasn't much money but there was attention.
I wasn't perfect, used to be a bit of a party animal and enjoyed clubbing and was a bit wayward with drinking on occasions along with some more illicit substances, but only on occasions when they weren't there and the house was always clean and tidy and for their return. I chose not to have a bf for almost 15 years in order to focus on the children, and worked full time to provide for them.
My son now blames me for everything wrong in his life, he has continually smoked weed for over 8 years but that is to 'escape his thoughts'. I've done everything in my power to stop this. He has left jobs because 'someone has picked on him' and it's 'bad for his mental state'. He refused even to sign on whilst living with me because he 'didn't want to demean himself' so I worked extra hours to put food on the table. He wouldn't help with housework or contribute in any way.
He now blames me for not finding a man to provide a 'suitable role model' and tells me I mothered him far too much. The thing is, he's a really good looking lad with a lovely personality and a wicked sense of humour when I get a rare glimpse of this. He blames me for having no self-esteem or self-confidence and wants a gf but says there's no point in approaching girls until he's 'in the right place', but doesn't act to get himself there. He gambles any money he earns or is given and refuses to go to Gamblers Anonymous.
I know he is depressed and have offered GP appointments, counselling, helplines, everything but he refuses to get help. He says 'why should I get help for something you contributed to' (his depression). He says 'your actions in the past are unforgivable'. It seems he has rewritten history to a degree because I know I did my best and was a good mother.
He is currently out of work and sofa surfing. My loving and considerate bf is getting exasperated with him only turning up when he wants lifts/money/food.
AIBU to think that he is being totally unfair to me? I've had my own many issues to deal with over the years and it saddens me so much that he doesn't respect me, or show me any consideration for my problems. He focuses on all the negative aspects from his upbringing and doesn't seem to remember all the good times. He basically annihilates my entire personality and character via text and email.
My daughter and I enjoy a great, if sometimes volatile relationship, and she tells me I spoilt him which is why he turned out like this. He tells me he gets upset when he sees other people's parents as he is jealous that he never had that. He is jealous because a lot of his mates have wealthy parents and are more established in their lives than he is. He says 'how can I be happy when I have no place of my own, no car and no gf? He's just sent me an email saying 'I don't respect, trust or even like you' in response to my offering to find him a place to live and pay six months' rent up front.
At what stage do you say to someone 'enough, time to sort yourself out'? As a mother it is incredibly hard to let go and stop worrying and trying to help all the time.