So for background, I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and fairly emotional anyway but I've taken this to heart and I dont know how to get over it. Usually when something shit happens I go sleep on it and the next day I dont feel so bad but in this case I cant stop dwelling on it.
I love my mil like I love my own mother, I live far away from my mum and my mil is such a lovely woman and I am super grateful to have her.
Mil owns and runs a very small and intimate childcare setting along with her friend/business partner. mil heads the 3+ and her friend does the under 3's. I used to be fairly laid back until having kids, i imagined taking them to nursery etc but when I actually had my first daughter it all changed and I never had any intentions of nursery due to not really trusting anyone but family. When my first daughter was almost 2 and my second child was born kid 1 went along with Mil to work whilst I was in hospital for 3 days, consequently she LOVED being at nursery and mil offered to take my daughter to nursery for OH's paternity leave. I was in absolute bits not having my daughter with me in the mornings after coming out of hospital and I cried each and every morning because I missed her so much but felt pressured into it by OH as she loved it so much so i tried to suck it up. After that daughter turned 2 fairly quickly and was allowed to join nursery properly (again I didnt want her to go but she did) after the summer. There was no written paperwork until she had started on her first day. Daughter 1 has always been very independent of me. I do the drop off/collections.
Daughter 2 has been the complete opposite. Very very clingy. At toddler groups and play groups etc she has always had to hold my hand to go around and has always not liked other adults and children (except family, even then disliking certain people). She has slowly been coming around getting more independence the past 6 months I'd say but still, she has never been left with anyone that isnt me or her father. It's been said before that daughter 2 will go to nursery if she wants to from day dot by mil. Daughter 2 has always cried her eyes out every time daughter 1 goes to nursery and has always asked to go along too (dont think she realised I wouldn't be going with her). Just before summer term was ending I was getting the feeling she might be alright going as she loves her grandmother and was getting more and more confident. So before term ended one day in the corridor MIL and other business owner asked if daughter 2 would be starting in sept. I said I'd like to give her a try and if she found it too distressing could we try again in January. They said sure. Then a week later MIL tells me no, she cant start in sept as daughter 1 will need time to readjust with all of her current group going off to school so she wanted daughter 1 to readjust and find her feet with new group of kids before having her sister come along to the setting. Fair enough. OH and I disagreed as daughter 1 is so outgoing nothing phases her at all, shes a complete whirlwind and has so much confidence but sure, its mil's business so respected that and didnt mention it.
In the meantime; we see mil everyweek without fail. Daughter 2 has come on leaps and bounds in this time. Her vocabulary is like no other child her age I have met. I have mentioned in passing many times over the summer holidays and since nursery started again. "oh daughter 2 said this about nursery" "daughter 2 is desperate to go to nursery" etc as daughter 2 has been coming out with some funny one liners about going to nursery and is in my mind ready to go, she asks every single day if she can go. I've explained I wouldnt be there with her and she gets it. So I've been appeasing her crying with saying it's ok you'll be going after Christmas etc. So mil has been aware of daughter 2 wanting to go in Jan still as agreed.
Last weekend I told mil about something funny daughter 2 said about one of the staff members (she knows everyone) and then something clicked and mil said oh you will have to speak to my friend/business partner who deals with under 3's admission as I'm not sure theres any spaces left for Jan and shes been turning people away. I was dumbfounded. I have never had to speak to her business partner about things like this as it's always just gone through mil as they are such a small setting and they see eachother everyday and outside of work. I totally felt like she was fobbing me off as shes never told me to go and speak to her rather than speak to mil herself. All of mil's business partbers grandkids have gone to the nursery. Daughter 1&2's cousin moved back to the UK from abroad in jan and started nursery pretty much immediately despite being told there wasnt a place yet
OH was really pissed off and asked his mum for an official application asap and then emailed it to his mum and business partner outlining that here was the application, and as agreed previously it was discussed daughter 2 would start in january after letting daughter 1 settle in again. Oh went to his mums yesterday and basically was told that daughter 2 had been forgotten about in the numbers as no communication between his mum and business partner and now there isnt a space for her to start.
I feel totally and completely gutted that my daughter is being denied the opportunity to start despite it being agreed before the year even started. Mil said to take her to another nursery for time being but i have said so many times I just wouldnt drop her off somewhere with people I dont know. Same applied for other daughter. Might be irrational but I just dont trust people and bigger settings would be distressing for her as she has been told constantly she'll be going to nursery with sister and mil. I'm so so angry that in all the times I've brought up daughter 2 and nursery with mil she hasn't told me to approach her business partner about jan again or get it in writing with an application or just anything! She hasn't said I needed to do anything at all and we didnt with my daughter so I've not done anything assuming it was all good for Jan as September was a no go. I feel so let down that my daughter isnt getting what her sister and cousin have experienced, it just feels like she has been completely forgotten about and sidelined and I feel so guilty, if I was told I had to officially apply for her place I would have been first inline. I'm angry we were made to delay starting anyway only for her to be forgotten. I just dont get why all the times I've reminded her has triggered her something until now.
I also dont think it's fair that we are the ones being denied the place when it has been verbally agreed from before the year even began that she would be going and we are the ones being let down because we are family rather than the last child a space was accepted for, why are we being penalised when we are family!?
As mentioned it's not just as easy as sending her somewhere else; I really dont want to do that and mil has always known this. Selfishly I'll be glad to get more time with her and will continue to take her to play groups etc still it's just the fact I'll have to deal with so many months more of morning drop off tears when her sister goes in and she doesnt understand why she still cant go despite me saying she will be. We have a new (surprise) baby due in april and I really wanted her to be settled in nursery before new baby comes and turns everything upside down.
I cant stop thinking about all of this and dwelling on it. I cried all evening last night when oh told me about the official "no" after work. It's been keeping me awake at night thinking about it all. I know I'm being unreasonable and hormones are making it so much more worse with feelings of anger and sadness but I just dont know how to let it go, I feel genuinely unsettled by it all. My oh did the nursery drop off and pick up today around his work as I dont want to face any of them right now. I love my mil so much, I hate feeling like this.
I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for from this as I know I'm being unreasonable in being so upset by it all, it feels better being able to rant about it. My OH has just sucked it up and seems to be over it but I'm still here stewing over it!