To just think it's not worth trying to maintain this relationship?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Back story: relative has always had a bit of an attitude problem, with a wide range of their friends and family - a tendency towards the professionally offended if it can be even distantly interpreted that they weren't thought of straight away. Add to this an absolute love of keyboard warriorship and a bad habit of putting every bit of laundry on Facebook.

I've always struggled to maintain a pleasant relationship with this person since I hit adulthood. They are around 20years older than me. Every life event is overshadowed by their dramatics, and they have a partner with a drink problem who also has caused a massive amount of drama and upset. Especially on what would be key days in my life (18th, wedding, births of my dc etc). The whole thing causes me stress when it happens.

I have found that discussing this with the relative and keeping my distance from their life (partner, home, etc) has massively helped my general levels of contentment. They are understandably sad about this, but always make excuses for their partner and for any bad attitude from them. I should add I always keep it civil, happy to maintain a loose relationship with the relative, and if any misunderstanding occurs (as it always seems to, I feel I can never do the right thing), I'm happy to meet face to face and get things aired.

They prefer the Facebook bitching route which annoys me even more- to the point I have removed myself for fb.

Yet again, on a key date in my calender, they have chose to message me (which they are under absolutely no obligation to do, I don't mind if this date doesn't even register to them), and within the conversation have highlighted "failings" in our relationship.

I am disappointed, yet not surprised at all, that this has occurred on a day I am meant to be enjoying my family. It's riled me enough to come to you guys

I'm just worn out from it. They don't get it. I've had too many of my life experiences tainted by them and their partner and I just honestly want to block them and crack on with my life. If it wasn't for the fact this only happens may e twice a year I'd feel justified.

Additionally, my parents (well one of them) is very much "just make peace, let's all just get along" to my face but happy to moan about them as well). I'd rather not be a hypocrite to be honest and just say "enough enough, you use any opportunity to stick the knife in so let's just end it here".

Too cryptic, I'm afraid.
If its a distant cousin then just keep your distance, probably wouldn't be too hard. If it' s a sibling, that's more difficult.
I think to be reasonable , you'd have to spell it out" I was really hurt when you said xyz. I notice you make a point of saying unkind things to me on special dates, and I know that is to spoil the day for me. If you do it again I will block you."
If they do it again, block them without further ado or comment. You can still be civil if you see them at family events but won't have to put up with targeted nastiness on days when you should be having a nice time.
I wouldn't be discussing it with your parents anymore, they will have their own agenda however much they love you, and there's nothing to be gained from making a bigger deal out of this than it is already.
It sounds as if you have been more than patient.

Sorry - couldn't get my name change to work so wanted to keep it a bit vague.

Not a sibling - an aunt/uncle.

Tbh I don't discuss it with my parents, but when the inevitable Facebook commentary goes up, they come to me to find out the truth what's gone on.

They are understandably sad about this, but always make excuses for their partner and for any bad attitude from them.

It’s not clear whether you have the issue with your relative or her partner?

I have found that discussing this with the relative and keeping my distance from their life (partner, home, etc) has massively helped my general levels of contentment.

Would it not have been kinder to just remain low key and gradually decrease contact?

You don’t say what they’ve done wrong, so it sounds like you have been unnecessarily harsh to increase your own contentment, while making your relative ‘understandably sad’.

Is hard to make sense of this op
Because it's too cryptic, sorry

Sorry. I will flesh it out once we stop for a cuppa l.

Ok.

I have issues with relative individually and also how they use issues I have with their partner to then further drive the knife.

Examples are (not limited to), taking to Facebook the day after dc3 was born with the comments "good job I have Facebook otherwise I'd never see this kid". I had to stay in as the baby was not warming up, I had strep b and kidney stones. We had informed them privately of the baby's arrival within a few hours of the birth then took the time after for recovery. At no point did they contact us or my parents privately before posting online. Similar posts of this type if something happens in my life and they aren't to know. As I no longer have Facebook it happens about me when other post stuff.

Their partner has a drinking problem imo though neither of them acknowledge it. I hear "ah that's just how they are when they've had a few". How they "are" is racist, sexist, snobby. This was their behaviour at our wedding, to the point where others approached me to suggest we had a gatecrasher.

During the same wedding they hit dh and I with a barrage of offense - bad mouthing my parents to me, demanding contact with out yet unborn child, promises to turn the child against us, culminating in them writing these views into our wedding guest book.

Again, similar behaviour at other family events.

This has compounded my opinion of my relative as they do nothing but excuse their partners behaviour and think I am incorrect at being put out by their behaviour. I have always remained civil up until the wedding, with prior episodes not warranting cutting contact.after the wedding I explained to the relative that I wouldn't be able to maintain contact with their partner.

Again, I am civil when around them (weddings, funerals etc). But I actively keep away from the partner which includes not visiting relatives home (something I'd never done prior as we weren't close enough for dropping in on one another physically or relationship wise), not socialising if it's events for the partner.

We had the whole house replastered about 18m ago. My parents must have mentioned it to relative that we had had the work done as I was then messaged by relative offended that I did not offer the work to their partner as that is their job. I don't know the partner well enough to even know their job. Additionally, following the wedding and my going no contact with the partner, I simply wouldn't have approached them.

It just feels like all contact from relative is antagonistic and wears me out. When I say I've reduced contact to maintain my contentment, it is because all contact is negative from them. All. To the point where I feel attacked. And this was the case way way before I reduced contact.

So to summarise . Minor issues with relative. Major issues with their partner. Subsequent increase in tensions with relative due to the no contact with their partner.

You are under no obligation to maintain a relationship with anyone.

Cut it down to a minimum.

Cut it down to a minimum

It's been shaved down to the minimum I can manage without actually blocking their numbers. Which I'd bloody love to do, because yet again I've had messages today acknowledging a celebration but yet interspersed with offense at how I don't have a relationship with their partner. Why not just not message at all if they can't just send celebratory wishes? Or if they do have issues they want to raise,do it in a more mature way and reach out to me on any other day for a conversation. It's always on a day which I am supposed to be just enjoying.

Then I would block them.

I don't believe anyone has an obligation to maintain a relationship with anyone.

Ita insane. If you werent related would you allow this person to do this?

Hi op

With all due, I'm going to be honest here

You are a grown arsed woman with kids, which leads me to believe you have a modicum of intelligence if not a lot.

So why in all that's holy are you even engaging on any level no matter how trite with this lunatic and their drunken spouse.

Send them a message saying don't ever contact me again, then tell the rest of the family you will not be engaging in any news or views where they are concerned.

In a small way you are feeding their drama, it's time to cut their supply off, block on everything, go grey rock don't engage. Don't be bullied to resolve problems with them, because it's makes other family members feel awkward, because that's tough tits basically

Good luck

I'd block their number. Absolutely pointless maintaining contact with someone who would maintain a relationship with someone as unpleasant as their DP. No more messages = no more spoiled special occasions or pretence at civility when that ship has longed sailed.

Guilty you are absolutely correct. When it began again today I responded to say "let's not broach this today, I am celebrating with my family, we can speak later in the week" and then turned off the phone.

But do you want to discuss later in the week?

Why turn your phone off? Their reply will still be there when you switch it on.

We dont keep repeating the same behaviour unless we are getting something out of it. You keep repeating this behaviour. You keep accepting this.

Why? Just block them and be done.

I suppose I want to attempt a civil conversation to express again why I am maintaining low or no contact, but agree this is just fruitless really. They are who they are. They act the way they act.

Blocking is not a decision I want to make flippantly or in the heat of the moment.

Yet again, on a key date in my calender, they have chose to message me, and within the conversation have highlighted "failings" in our relationship.

Well fuck THAT, Bernadette.
I hope, after all this time & all your careful mollifying of the situation, you can let rip & tell this awkward relative that they are 100% correct, & that die to the failings in the relationship it's bets if you no longer bother to communicate.

Honestly, you will never wriggle clear of the blame game with people like this. Whether you continue the relationship or not, you will ALWAYS be disappointing, & at fault, so ... what's the point?
Slip out from under their control & drama while you can.

Well fuck THAT, Bernadette

This made me smile a LOT. And if I werr just a poster on this thread is be saying the same sort of thing. It's silly, really, that when it boils down to it, it is absoloutley easier said than done.

But it will be done. I may just have to gear myself up to it.

Just block them and don’t think about it again. Go back on FB and block them.

Maybe I’m just a hard arse, but this isn’t a sibling or parent - this is an aunt. Enough is enough; you don’t owe her a relationship, especially when she uses every opportunity to make you feel like shit!

It sounds as though they've proved time and again for years that they cannot be civil to you OP. I think it's way past time when you should have blocked them. It's hardly 'flippant' or 'in the heat of the moment' at this stage. Do your mental health a favour and remove them from your life.

You're giving these people far too much head space, OP. If they can't behave like normal people there is no reason why you should retain them in your life. What is stopping you blocking them? Is it going to upset your parent who is their sibling? I'm sure they will understand.

Be brave, bite the bullet and block them today!

Good luck.

Is it going to upset your parent who is their sibling? I'm sure they will understand

Funnily enough no, but the other parent is a "family sticks together regardless" type who then moans and whines about those family members out of earshot.

In that case what have you got to lose except negativity which you don't need in your life.

Go on, block, they don't deserve having you in their life.

I see my aunties at my mum's house or at family occasions but I don't consider them close family. They are extended family and can be kept at arm's length.

I would never tolerate this nonsense. I am puzzled as to why you haven't told them to fuck off many years ago?

Do it once emphatically and you'll never have to give them a second thought again.

She is an attention whore. You know what she’s like, you know what he’s like. Explain to everyone exactly once - that nobody is entitled to access your DC except for you, and random social media strops are going to be given all the attention they deserve. None. It is time that people grow up and respect each other’s boundaries. This means that those people are not welcome at your house, etc, but if you are in their presence at your parents’ place, you will be polite out of respect to your parents, but you still get to decide who holds you DC, whether photos are taken, etc.... Your kids are not to be used as a social media like-scoring tool for anyone.

Just block them and tell them you have no time for Facebook and even less time for negativity.

I’m going to go against the grain

I think blocking will fuel the drama as relative will wonder why you aren’t replying or notice they can’t message you, get all upset and involve others etc etc

Just reply but never ever engage with what they say about their partner or your wrong doings. Just don’t care.
Reply with ‘having a lovely meal with DH for our anniversary- I have had fish again!’ Etc and never ever pick up on or respond to the bollocks

So she texts to moan and ask why you didn’t offer the work to her DH- you reply ‘ so glad we got the work done finally it looks fab I’m sure mum will send a photo’

Literally never ever respond to what she actually says

Stay low/minimal contact but do reply so she has no grounds to try and create more drama