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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be angry with partner

20 replies

Chachacha12 · 22/10/2019 12:15

Not sure If I'm being unreasonable as I finally plucked up the courage to have a chat with my partner and it was met with the usual defiant hostility.

He has been building a summer house, although it's more of a garden room in structure, since he bought the house in the Spring. Our three children and I didn't move in until September to be in line with school year changes.

What is annoying me is we are a large family of teens down to tots and yet my partner thinks it's perfectly fine to choose an early shift at work every day so he can come home and head straight out to his man project until darkness falls.

It makes no financial sense for me to work so he thinks I should do all the house work, including decorating and unpacking his many boxes of stuff. I have no income and so I have to accept he shops daily for food which frustrates me to no end as it means I can't plan meals.

Sometimes I ask him if he will look after the children so I can get some of the more involved household tasks done uninterrupted- and effectively I have to negotiate with him as it interferes with his summer housr/garden room escapades.
He says I am unbelievably ungrateful as it's something we will all benefit from. I disagree completely as there's a whole house that needs renovating. If I have any money at all it's always allocated to something as there's no spare, but there always seems to be funds for all manner of building materials.

I usually spend the school hours being useful but today I am under a blanket watching telly feeling a bit miffed. So, am I being unreasonable? My partner certainly thinks so and all but harrumphed back into the office when he called me on a break and I mentioned I couldn't have the toddler while I took one of the older ones to a class tonight.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 22/10/2019 12:25

Tell him you're getting a job as it would be an easier work load as he doesn't do anything and so your job is 24/7, tell him when you get back to work you'll be doing your 39 hours and sharing the chores with him instead. See how he likes that idea

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 22/10/2019 12:28

Is he a new partner? Are they his children? I’m a little confused by the set up.

Celebelly · 22/10/2019 12:32

It sounds like you're on a shoogly peg here. Unmarried, living in his home, you don't work and have no income and are entirely reliant on him... How have you protected yourself and your kids here?

Shoxfordian · 22/10/2019 12:38

If he always reacts with "defiant hostility" then why are you with him?

TheMustressMhor · 22/10/2019 12:39

It really doesn't sound like you're in the slightest bit compatible.

You say that you've only just moved in. Where did you live before? You must have known his downsides before you took the plunge.

Why haven't you got a job anyway?

Horehound · 22/10/2019 12:42

Yabu because you say it makes no financial sense..but it will in the long run when you consider pay rises, bonuses and pension contributions.
And by not having a job you've made a rod for your own back picking up all the shit..

timshelthechoice · 22/10/2019 12:43

What is unreasonable is being financially dependent on an unmarried partner and living in his house. VERY unwise. Your problem is finding a job, not enabling your boyfriend. It makes NO financial sense to ever ever do this unless you are independently wealthy.

NearlyGranny · 22/10/2019 12:44

That summerhouse for everyone's benefit, OP? 100:1 it's a man cave and nobody else will ever be allowed in.

He's checked out.

DonnaDarko · 22/10/2019 12:44

Get a job..you're not married so you're in a precarious position if this is his attitude and you don't have access to money.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 22/10/2019 12:47

He's been working on the summerhouse every evening since Spring? Do you see any noticeable difference week on week OP? Either he's crap at DIY or he's not really doing much to it.

That aside, you need to make some changes to protect yourself. Is the house in your name as well as his? Being unmarried puts you in a very precarious position if you should split. The bit about him shopping each day would do my nut. I'm taking from this you don't have a joint account in order to do the shop yourself? He sounds controlling and abusive. Why would you need to 'pluck up courage' to speak to him?

Hesafriendfromwork · 22/10/2019 12:47

You say large family teens down to tots?

How many under school age? How long have you been together?

It makes no financial sense for you to not work, imo.

BOOnanasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 22/10/2019 12:49

Agreed with Celebelly- your position is shocking here. How many kids are we talking about and are they his?

You doing more housework as youre at home when he is working isnt unreasonable. Being in a position where youre financially reliant on him completely and as such he is controlling the whole household is.

There are big, horrible red flags here, in that because he holds the purse strings he makes all the decisions and wtf is him doing shopping daily so you cant even cook without him being in charge?

Where did you live before and how was it organised then, with finances etc?

This sounds like a nightmare tbh.

blackcat86 · 22/10/2019 12:52

If you do all the household tasks then why is he doing the shopping (and badly by the sound of it). Surely it would make sense for you to have access to funds and to shop for a week more sensibly. If I were you I would be looking for work to reset the balance as the shopping example makes me think he doesn't want you to access money at all even if it's for household stuff and that's really concerning.

BigFatLiar · 22/10/2019 12:55

If he's been working on it since spring it must be a very impressive shed.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/10/2019 12:56

The way you've written your post is a bit odd, as if the two of you don't like each other whatsoever. That jumped out at me more than the details.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/10/2019 13:01

3 children isn’t a large family is it?

How many “tots” are there if you also have at least one teen?

adaline · 22/10/2019 13:01

What an odd set-up.

Do you even like each other?

LagunaBubbles · 22/10/2019 13:03

Why are you with him?

Vilanelle · 22/10/2019 13:13

How long has he financially controlled you?

Chachacha12 · 22/10/2019 13:34

I think I've allowed myself to be controlled, or more likely abdicated responsibility because I've had a number of traumatic events happen in quick succession and I desperately have held on to having a home and being part of a couple.

It's very clear he doesn't respect me and yes, I am all too aware for those who want to say it, how can I expect his respect in these circumstances.

OP posts:
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