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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

intervering MIL

68 replies

Lonely234566778 · 22/10/2019 10:55

Hello everyone,
am I being unreasonable that I don't want my mother in law to take my child away for the day?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonely234566778 · 22/10/2019 11:41

instead of giving me space and time to adjust to parent hood day and night I had people round my house* What does this mean? confused When you'd just had your baby SHE invited people to YOUR house? You (well, your DH) should have told her then to fucking pack it in. , so basically she would say oh so and so is coming over at this time, she always did this when my husband wasn't home so he could say anything and I was in a very venerably place as I have just had a child and none of my family are near me

OP posts:
villamariavintrapp · 22/10/2019 11:44

Well I think the issue might be that she does child care? If she's looking after him herself one day anyway then I'm not sure it matters too much where she goes? You obviously trust her to care for your child. If you're not comfortable or don't really trust her with that then maybe pay for childcare?

Original poster
Lonely234566778 · 22/10/2019 11:44

OP is there a lot more to this?
do any of you get the feeling that people are trying to replace you or take your place as a parent?

I think its just me I just wanted to know if other people had this feeling.

And when you say you had people round at the house all the time after you'd had the baby, do you mean her? People she invited? Other people that were nothing to do with her?

she invited her friends ( people I barely know) and family round and I even had to leave the house four days after giving birth even though I wasn't in a good way. this started to happen the first day I came home from the hospital

OP posts:
GPatz · 22/10/2019 11:45

You are not expected to just hand your child over when asked, just like she is not expect to provide childcare. Works both ways.

BreatheAndFocus · 22/10/2019 11:45

She sounds quite overbearing to me from what you’ve said. Does she undermine you? Make you feel crap? Is she saying that you look tired out of genuine concern or to be nasty or to imply you’re not coping?

YADNBU. The trip sounds far too long for a young child. In fact, the whole thing creeps me out a bit, having had a grandparent trying to take over.

Say no to this trip. Personally I wouldn’t even suggest a closer trip. It’s your child. Don’t feel pressured.

If she says you’re tired again, look surprised, shrug it off casually and say I’m Fine, Thank You. She’ll soon stop if you politely cut her off.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 22/10/2019 11:45

In this situation she's not being an 'intervening mil ' she's (trying) to be a grandparent.
Could you start small with more local trips out for a few hours then build up to longer days out further away? Or could you go along too then mil still gets time with grandchildren but you are there too?
13 months is still very young and I do understand why you might worry but unless you have specific concerns about mil then it would probably be good for you all for them to spend some time together.

FindusCrispyPancakes · 22/10/2019 11:45

I guess it's up to you. I get it, I wouldn't allow my in-laws to take my children our for the day, they are 3 and 2. It's more about that I don't like them though than not trusting them or worrying my children will miss me. My own parents take my children all over. It's up to you (and your husband obviously) who you trust with your children, if you don't want them to take your child out just say no.

Idontwanttotalk · 22/10/2019 11:46

If you say no, is it possible she will take your DD to the beach on a Monday when she looks after her?

Cherrysoup · 22/10/2019 11:48

She sounds like she stamps all over your boundaries. I'd pull right back. Inviting her mates to your house? Why on earth didn't your DH tell them to fuck right off?

Original poster
Lonely234566778 · 22/10/2019 11:51

Thank you Chottie, its nice to hear from a MIL.

I think I just need to do what you all say and stand firm but be reasonable

OP posts:
INeedAFlerken · 22/10/2019 11:54

Just say no.

Several hours away in the car from you, to a beach ... 13 months old ... no. I would have said no as well when mine were that age.

Original poster
Lonely234566778 · 22/10/2019 11:55

She sounds quite overbearing to me from what you’ve said. Does she undermine you? Make you feel crap? Is she saying that you look tired out of genuine concern or to be nasty or to imply you’re not coping?

yes she undermines me a lot and uses my husband against me as he doesn't like conflict so i have to deal with it myself.

If she says you’re tired again, look surprised, shrug it off casually and say I’m Fine, Thank You. She’ll soon stop if you politely cut her off. great advise :)

She sounds like she stamps all over your boundaries. I'd pull right back. Inviting her mates to your house? Why on earth didn't your DH tell them to fuck right off?

because he thought it was fine he didn't handle me having the blues very well and she just didn't care she wanted to show off my child which i sort of understand, but then i think surely as a mother you would know i need time.

OP posts:
privatehack4 · 22/10/2019 11:56

This reply has been deleted

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TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 22/10/2019 11:57

I can't imagine a 13mo would be happy with a car ride that's 3hrs each way. If she's minding your DS all day then maybe say you'd be happy for her to take him somewhere local (max 30 mins car journey) but you don't want him being strapped in the car for such a long time.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 22/10/2019 11:58

My MIL & SIL tried something similar when my dd was approx 1yr. I said no, day too long, she was too young, etc. It didn't go down well but not their child so tough. (It was to suit them as they wanted company for SILs child on a spontaneous day out, not for us or our dd)

TiddlesTheTiger · 22/10/2019 11:59

What's to stop her doing the trip on a Monday, while she's childminding?

I'm a MiL and Gran too, and I think you should say no to this, and be more firm with her, in general.
Also get your DH on side.

sparkly40 · 22/10/2019 12:00

Can I ask why you don't want your child on social media why can her grandparents show him/her off. I have a friend who has this with when daughter-in-law and whilst it's your choice I can get my head round it.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 22/10/2019 12:02

So start creating conflict for your husband. Make it so he knows that his life will be harder and more difficult if he doesn't start standing up against his mother.

It's his mother. So block her on your phone. She doesn't come to your house unless he is there.
You don't have to have anything to do with her.

You need to grow a spine.

Lolapusht · 22/10/2019 12:04

OP, why did you have to leave the house 4 days after giving birth?

How are you doing now? Do you still feel like you have PND? Having to deal with someone who doesn’t give you space to be a new parent would not help you recover physically or mentally.

BreatheAndFocus · 22/10/2019 12:07

yes she undermines me a lot and uses my husband against me as he doesn't like conflict so i have to deal with it myself

Have you spoken to your DH about this (the general situation not this trip)? Perhaps he doesn’t understand how much it’s upsetting you. I can’t believe your MIL invited all her friends round! Cheeky cow!

Your DH should be standing up to her, but if he won’t you can do it yourself. Remember you define yourself. Refuse to let her crap affect you Flowers

If it was me, I’d find alternative childcare.

SugarPlumLairy2 · 22/10/2019 12:12

OP trust your feelings.
Your baby only needs you. Your MIL wants alone time so that she can fulfill het Granny fantasy etc but it only benefits her. Not you and certainly not your baby. Definition of selfish, at your child’s expense.

Ask her “why do you exclude me? Why do you want to take MY child so far away from their mum? Why don’t you wait for an invitation to visit? Why is it such a big deal to have it your way?”
If she makes a fuss say } hmm I can see your getting very emotional, maybe we’ll discuss who MY child spends time with when you’re able to respond calmly and rationally”

You are the mum, you’re in charge, you don’t have to let baby visit alone, without you. Say NO.

Original poster
Lonely234566778 · 22/10/2019 12:14

Can I ask why you don't want your child on social media why can her grandparents show him/her off. I have a friend who has this with when daughter-in-law and whilst it's your choice I can get my head round it. as I just don't want there to be a phone constantly in my DC face and I want people to enjoy the here and now, plus there are creeps out there

*OP, why did you have to leave the house 4 days after giving birth?

How are you doing now? Do you still feel like you have PND? Having to deal with someone who doesn’t give you space to be a new parent would not help you recover physically or mentally.*
because she wanted me to see her mum and have a bunch of pictures taken, I remember the day so well my DH had taken me out to register our DC and I felt horrendous, then on the way to his nan I burst out crying saying I didn't want to have my picture he said it's just one small thing and he told his mum to give me a minute as I had been crying she told me that I have to just get on with it. this is some one who works in mental health care also.

i don't know really how i am doing, today i feel quite low. i just kind of do the things that need do like usual house jobs my work and that's it

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 22/10/2019 12:15

so basically she would say oh so and so is coming over at this time, she always did this when my husband wasn't home so he could say anything and I was in a very venerably place as I have just had a child and none of my family are near me

She's awful. She took advantage when you were down. Your DH needs to hear exactly how you feel about all this and he needs to tell HIS mother to fucking behave.

ThatMuppetShow · 22/10/2019 12:16

YANBU

Your MIL could take your one-year-old to a local baby soft play, or park or whatever, the long drive is completely unnecessary.

If you are not comfortable at all, it's perfectly fine to. YOU are the mother, you get to decide .The compromise would be to invite your MIL and go to a play cafe, or park or somewhere child friendly all together. Easy, she gets to spend time with your baby, but you are around.

Original poster
Lonely234566778 · 22/10/2019 12:16

Have you spoken to your DH about this (the general situation not this trip)? Perhaps he doesn’t understand how much it’s upsetting you.
He does but switches off as he doesn't want hassle he says he doesn't want to upset me or his mother but its always me that has to stand down.

OP posts: