To think of speaking to DGS's school?

[TiddlesTheTiger]

I am a granny of a 6yr old DGS. I live a long way from the family and I see them 5 or 6 times a year when I visit their city, not staying with them as there's no room, or they visit and stay with me. Visits last 7 or 8 days usually.

The parents' relationship is volatile and includes vicious arguments in the presence of DGS, and very often the arguments are about how to parent DGS.
One parent works full-time and is very stressed by their work. This parent is very lax with the child, sees disruptive behaviour as 'just being a child', hands a mobile phone to the child regardless of unsuitable videos that may be seen.
The main carer has been a SAHP until recently, now works part-time, tries to give the child good experiences, good food and to limit screen time but often cannot do these things when the other parent is there.
DGS, naturally, is confused by all this and acts up to the main carer who sometimes reacts very angrily towards the child, but never smacks or hits him.
I hoped things would improve as DGS got older but in the last few months he has started to wet or even soil himself in the daytime. This is met with disappointment or anger towards DGS from the main carer, including a very upsetting shouting episode which I heard recently.

In the past, the main carer has spoken to me about the situation and has discussed how to improve it.
Every time, I have hoped to see improvement at the next visit.
This time, there was exasperation and desperation expressed to me, but I was shut down from saying anything about it as "it's not going to change".

I am very concerned about DGS. I know that the school had some concerns a year or so ago, but don't know the result of that.

I'm thinking of contacting the school about this, in the hope they can take it further.

What do you think of that idea?

I would call and ask to speak to the designated safeguarding lead for a chat. Explain what you've said here, ensuring you only comment on facts and not speculation. Say you're their grandparent and live too far away to assist but felt someone outside the family and close by needed to be aware.

The main thing is keep it factual

Thank you. I was thinking along those lines.
I don't want the parents to know I've said anything in case it causes further conflict between them.

Bump.
Does anyone have any further comments?

Gosh OP I really feel for you. This is quite a dilemma.obviously you don’t want to be isolated from the family so tread very carefully. Having said the child in question, without a doubt, needs to be prioritized.
I think you should contact the school and speak to the Headteacher so that it can be made very clear can you cannot be outed. The safeguarding team can trigger concerns and your GC at least will be on the radar (again) so things might progress with family support. I have no advice other than you are the one that has to sleep at night knowing you have done the right thing.
All the best, I wish you all the luck in the world and hope everything works out for the children. 💐

Be very careful. The last thing you want is to be cut out of the child’s life. Can you call SS and ask anonymously for advice?

I honestly believe it has nothing to do with the school. This should either be a SS referral, or not. What are the school going to do?

If I ended up being cut out of their lives, as a result of things being improved for DGS, I'd think that was worth it.
Obviously I don't want that to happen, tho.
Speaking to SS anonymously could be a start but I think intervention with the parents, from someone other than me, is needed.
I thought of the school as I know there's been at least one incident of wetting there.

I thought the school could raise concern with the parents and perhaps then contact SS, if necessary.

I don't think it is a matter for school really. What can they do about the child's parents arguing? Or about one carer reacting angrily? Nor is it a matter for SS. Your DGS is not in danger. Maybe they could work with the family over some issues, but I think SS are under such pressure and have far more serious matters to deal with. In fact, I think that would escalate the situation. I know it must be very hard, seeing your DGS brought up in such a manner, but if you say anything you will only be accused of interfering, and possibly being cut out of their lives. It must be very difficult for you but I can't see that you can do anything useful.

Yes definitely speak to the school.

This could be the missing piece of the jigsaw for them.

Speak to the school and maybe to the NSPCC for advice. Thank goodness your GS has someone looking out for him, I hope you get a good outcome.

@Nicolamarlow1
It’s emotional abuse, so yes, it should be reported. What if it doesn’t get reported and then escalated, as it might?
People ignoring concerns have led to the deaths of children.
Speaking to the school safeguarding team would be a good start, as would speaking to SS.

A six year old soiling themselves during the day needs to be seen by a doctor to exclude any physical cause.

You're right, MitziK.
It was mentioned that they'll do that.

I thought the school could raise concern with the parents and perhaps then contact SS, if necessary.

And you can’t?

I thought if I contact SS it's more likely the parents could find out I did that.

As an aside, do you ever take DGS off their hands to give them a break?

I sometimes have him for an afternoon or two, or childmind in the evening while they go out.
But this is only during the visits which happen every 2 or 3 months.

Please do report this, the school is a good place to report. You are a trusted adult to your grandson please don't let him down

I would be very concerned about the child wetting themselves or soiling themselves, this can be a very clear indicator of trauma and there may be more to this - would definitely report.

I've spoken to DGS's pastoral care teacher today.

Fwiw I think you've done the right thing. I work in an area where safeguarding is key and what we learn from any situation that goes wrong is that information wasn't shared. You've shared your concerns with someone who has a day to day interaction with the family and access to official safeguarding routes or family support if needed. How did it go?

If you contacted my school, we'd ask that you contact ss directly. I know you've spoken to them now but expect the family to find out it was you if you haven't reported anonymously.

Well done for raising your concerns and fingers crossed your DGSs situation improves

I think you should express your concerns to your daughter, and neither contact the school or social services, as I think that’s pretty despicable.

We only have your side of this here, and speak to your daughter, don’t be so underhand.