Mum's reaction to pregnancy

[RhagePip]

Apologies if this is long. I don't know if iabu or just stupid.

Dh and I found out we are expecting baby number 5 this past weekend. We have 3 older DS and had a neonatal death almost 14 years ago.
Now we wouldn't have activity chosen to start over again, but equally it's happened and after loosing our daughter, ending a pregnancy just isn't part of our story.

We are very happily married and have been for 17 years. Of course we've had our ups and downs but always fought very hard as we believe in the vows we took.
My mother has never reacted well to any of our pregnancies, to the point she didn't find out about of DD until shortly after she died.

Jump forward to now, and here we are. I decided to be very up front with her and told her immediately. Her reaction was AWFUL. She said some pretty hurtful things about how our DD passed away because fate knew my health would deteriorate, and how would our ASD son possibly cope, how is this remotely fair on him etc etc
Now I understand her worry, I have had some health issues the last few years (I'm a diabetic with Neuropathy, and osteoarthritis) BUT I still care for my house, DH and DCs. Yes I have some help from good friends and I have a lot of medicines but I still do it.
We've consulted our Dr today, who said she is confident that with a meds change, and weekly consultant lead care, we can go on to have a healthy pregnancy.

We've always had a turbulent relationship, I was a newly wed with our first and when she found out she asked me to terminate, or wished I'd miscarry. She thought we were too young. (me 18 DH 23)
I feel like I always have to fight for approval and sometimes end up feeling like a 12yo when we are together. We only see each other a few times a year as she lives quite a distance away.
Until I told her this news, things had been better and I thought we were close. She's incredibly close to our 3 DC despite earlier reservations.

People are saying it's normal for her to over react and she's just worried about me.
This is where my aibu comes in.....

I don't think she has a right to be so vile. I'm a grown adult, with 3 DC, 1 in college 2 still in school. I'm very happily married. My DH works very hard to support our family (my mobility can be bad b/c osteoarthritis and Neuropathy)

I'm not sure if this time I can forgive her words. I'm not sure if this crossed line is just too far.

After a neonatal death, I have a lot of anxiety and just needed my mum, to be my mum.

Sorry its so long and ranty. I didn't want to drip feed

You are not being unreasonable, she sounds absolutely horrible. Do you think maybe she is jealous as you will have less time for her? It doesn’t sound like she has ever had your best interests at heart. Are you able to go low/no contact for your sanity? Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Have you thought about the possibility of your DM being worried that she will lose you and the prospective baby, each time? Perhaps she had a difficult birth or births and is hoping that you will not go through the same. Five pregnancies is quite a lot. You have had a neonatal death, that too will be a worry for DM. No DM wants her DD to have the utter heartbreak of a loss of a baby. Trying to stay strong for a DD while your own (DM) heart is breaking for the new mum and the baby.
DMs get such a bad press on here

She's always had high expectations and felt let down. She very much says whatever is on her mind without an after thought, whereas I am very emotional and overthink which is why I posted. She is amazing with my DSs and they adore her. She just can't seem to swallow her mean thoughts and realise I just want my DM to be my DM.

We usually talk daily, and it's been radio silence. My eldest DS heard her and even though he's the closest person to her, said he'd never heard her be so mean.

Maybe I am over thinking

My other pregnancies have all been as OK as they could be. We knew very early on that our DD was very sick and it wasn't a risk to me, just her.

DM had 2 healthy pregnancies and babies, but was a victim of severe DV with my DF

I wonder if DM is suffering long term anxiety type of thing re the DV. She will know how hard life gets when you have to escape DV.
She will be over worrying for you and expected baby as a result of the stress of the DV. She will not want to take any risks of the remotest possibility of you being at any risk at all.
Every birth is different. Someone I know had quite a few relatively fast and easy births and then a nightmare of a birth. Another person had a dreadful birth the first time and is not allowed to go that route again.
I have had the experience of my DDs going through births and it is not easy to be the one outside waiting and worrying. I would rather be in there doing it instead!
You do have a huge age difference there and that is not east. You are older now and that too brings a higher set of risks.
I can understand if DM is a load of worries and maybe she is just not handling it well.

The words FUCK OFF dm spring to mind.
Sorry for your loss op.

She sounds like my Dad, never truly pleased for you and always finding a negative angle to every bit of good news.

Some people are just like this, OP, and all you can do is ignore their negativity and get on with your life. You and your DH are looking forward to welcoming a new addition to your family and you're clearly able to cope with another child - that's all that matters. Congratulations!

So sorry for your loss.
The hard truth is she is toxic and you need to cut her out of your life or, at the very least, go LC for the foreseeable.

I always point out the hypocrisy when people say 'oh it's normal for X to over-react' or 'oh that's just how X is'... People do not get special dispensation to behave like an arse because they do it frequently! These people need called out again and again until it gets through their thick skulls that they are bang out of order and you are not accepting their behaviour no way no how.

This sounds awful OP, poor you. You deserve to be happy and celebrate a new member of your wee family. After going through the loss of your DD I'd be desperate to fill the void (I don't mean replace as DD will live in your heart FOREVER!) left by such a tragic event and completely understand your desire to finish your family with a happy healthy pregnancy if you have the chance.

Do not accept this behaviour as 'just your mum's way' - it's so far from acceptable and she needs told. Then you need to also decide whether you want her in your life, if you do it's on your terms. No pussyfooting around her, try really hard to stop yourself looking to her for validation or approval as it sounds very like she will just drag you down when you have every reason to be happy.

You deserve to be happy, always remember that. Over-thinking just punishes you twice, first when you hear it then later when you live it again and again, doubting yourself, what you wish you'd said, and eroding your self confidence. Try to see yourself through the eyes of your little ones, you are superwoman to them.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, hope it all goes well OP ❤️

You should as MN to transfer this to the Stately Homes thread where you will find many others who have similar relations with their DMs. I have posted on there in the past and they were a tremendous help.

She doesn’t deserve you, OP, that’s a step way too far.

What she said was bad and none of her business but I'm slightly surprised you expected your DM to be DM with her track record. She is what she is, why would she suddenly change, she's only likely to become set in her ways with age. In her head she is being a good mother and grandmother with her concern for you and the GC.

It is within your power (though much easier said than done) to not let her reaction hurt you. It's about her, nothing to do with you or facts. You need to stop wishing for your mum to change, it's terribly unproductive. To be honest I wouldn't disclose the pregnancy to the end in your place, but what's done is done. Now if you want to feel better you need to stop churning over what she said to you, you'd only drive yourself mad. You could tell yourself that it WAS your DM being DM, the only way she knows how.

Focus on her good/useful points, like her relationship with existing grandchildren. I'm sure she'd be as devoted to the new baby. Congratulations on your pregnancy! It's about your little unit first and foremost, don't get your DM involved and definitely let go of any expectations in her regard.

Bring worried is normal even when our kids are grown up. But you are not to blame for your baby passing away. People loose babies at all ages in many different circumstances and it's simply something we can't control.

Parents can sometimes come across like they are making it about them. Some parents go to all the scans and stuff and support their kids and others (mine,) are a the opposite. My parents were happy for me but didn't like me finding out the gender etc. I got alot or negativity from them when I was pregnant and sometimes felt sad like you do right now.

My honest advice would be to try and focus on you, your husband and your children and pregnancy. Be happy and if people want to be part of it in a positive way they know where you are. Trying to please family is one of the hardest things to do with this sort of thing. I often get a comment now from my mum about don't you dare have anymore. I'm not sure why she says it as I am 30 and have coped fine with my two. I don't want anymore but I never say never.

The chances are this baby will be absolutely fine and wonderful and apart of your family very soon. I still struggle five years down the line to understand my mum's reactions to things. It has to be her way or she can't understand it

**What she said was bad and none of her business but I'm slightly surprised you expected your DM to be DM with her track record. She is what she is, why would she suddenly change, she's only likely to become set in her ways with age. In her head she is being a good mother and grandmother with her concern for you and the GC

This quote I agree with but I'm guilty off. I think we never learn when we have mums like this. I don't know if you agree but when your mum fed, clothed you etc you can be confused to what your story is. Anyone outside of my life won't know the feelings I have towards my mum. They won't know she is unhelpful, unsupportive, never hugged me, never kissed me, never said she loves me. My mum digs at pointless things like my kids having a dummy longer than we did. My son sleeps in my bed. Choosing the gender. Telling me what I should do to discipline my child when she sees a tiny snippet of ours lives. She has always been negative and takes the Mick and puts me down. Yet it's so unobvious and I keep going back to try again and proove myself. She just repeats the same ways. I love my mum and sometimes I can sit and chat with her fine. But there are many things I don't relate to her with at all. She is not very sympathetic. If I had a miscarriage id not tell her. Because she doesn't think it's a baby at that point and can't understand people being so upset by it. I plan to get therapy when my son's at school. Perhaps you need to do the same op x