To visit my family alone at Christmas (turned into long rant)

[Lilitiri]

Hello.

My question turned into a massive rant.. If you do not want to read the whole story, then the question in short: do couples have to meet each others' families during Christmas or it is OK for me to always want to visit my family alone? Is it ever normal to want to mostly visit your home town family and friends alone without your DP? Or is it totally against "relationship rules"?

I'm 30. My parents (divorced) and my two best friends (female) live in my birth down, 4 hours drive away. I have been single for years and I've visited them at least 2-3 times per year (in addition to chatting online daily/weekly or calling each other sometimes). Seeing them face-to-face is so much different than just chatting. I've always been home for Christmas alone.

Now, I have a boyfriend, been together a bit over 2 years. He has visited my home town 2-3 time, seen my parents and my friends there. However, now I prefer to go there alone. I see them so rarely so I want to concentrate fully on them. Me and my mother have all sorts of stuff to do and discuss, my friends are female and we have our 'girl talks' (their DPs are almost never with us when we spend time together). So it has not been easy to visit them with my boyfriend - I feel we cannot discuss girly stuff and when I do stuff with my mother he just has nothing to do etc. And I also value the time I get being totally alone some hours of the day when I'm there (usually 3-5 days), as I do not get much alone time at home living together with my boyfriend.

Now he has a bit of problem with it. Firstly, he does not like very much that I go away for so long and he has to be alone at home (though later saying he enjoyed it). Secondly he has 'accused' me of keeping him away from my close people. As the Christmas are approaching again, I already feel the tension inside myself... I really want to go alone, but not sure how he will handle it. I also visited my home town in August alone for 5 days, but did it during workdays so he would have work days full of job at least and would not feel so lonely, and I just did remote work during the time (so not to sacrifice vacation time which we could spend together). It was not ideal for me, but some kind of compromise in my head. AIBU to want to visit my family alone 2-3 times per year, especially Christmas? Or is it part of the relationship to do such things together?

We have lived together 1 year. He does not actively spend time with or talk to his friends (been out with them a few times during the entire relationship), he does not have very close relationship with his family (does not visit his parents alone (they live an hour away), does never spend time with his older brothers (live in the same city). Has no social hobbies. So basically is alone at home when I'm out or spends time with me. I have social life and activities (2, sometimes 3 times per week, I chat online and by phone with my family and friends a few days of the week, I also have work trips a couple of times per year).

I get he might feel alone when I am away and perhaps I have not made it clear enough to him that I do love him, but I need that time to myself (I've tried though). But to be honest, I have some difficulties feeling sympathetic towards him, because it is his choice to be alone without me (I have talked, encouraged, tried to understand why he won't seek his family, friends, social activities) and at the beginning he was very needy of my attention and managed to make me feel quite guilty about my activities etc. Moreover, I got pissed in my head when he accused me of keeping him away from my close people, while he has met all my friends one way or another (all female, we always spend time without partners, so it is not easy to just show up with him), met my family, even my sister who lives abroad, he comes along to my hobby events and we visit my sister always together.
While yes, I have met his family (especially as he does not want to meet them alone) and I have seen one of his friends 3 times, still I have never met his best friend or other people closer to him. I mentioned it in July when he 'accused' me, and he basically blamed me ('you have had this or that when there would have been the chance to meet') and finally said that he won't run now and ask his friend to meet me, because he feels like a doormat when doing something straight away when asked.

Mixed feelings. I just want to know, is it ever normal to want to mostly visit your home town family and friends alone? Or is it totally against "relationship rules"?

The way I see it is.....you are naturally more sociable than him. He has family and friends he could make and effort with but chooses not to. You make a point of making time for your family and friends and enjoy doing so. So far nobody is right and nobody is wrong. You do you and let him do him. You should go and visit family and friend 2 or 3 times a year alone. That's reasonable. But you have lived together for a year he is your significant other. You are presumably planning a life together for the long term future. He is therefore like your immediate family and leaving him at christmas without giving him the option of coming or offering years about between your families or a christmas the two of u followed by a christmas where u individually go to your own families seems a bit out of order to me. There is definitely a compromise to be had could u go down the 22nd December and he could join u the 24th or could u stay after he goes home? But I think for u to say I am off home for Christmas see ya. When u have lived together for a year is not on.

Sorry but you’re being massively unreasonable. You are a team. If you’re planning on him being around for the foreseeable then he’s your family. It’s very strange to not want him to spend any time with your parents and to only ever visit alone.

My overwhelming feeling on reading your post is that your BF is very clingy and only seems to have you in his life and it’s suffocating. He doesn’t make the effort with his own family and friends. I can see why you want to see your family alone, as he sounds so joyless and also manipulative.

It isn’t normal to be like that. My DIL has just been on a short holiday with a friend, DS has enjoyed the time with his friends. They see people together as a couple or as individuals. It isn’t an issue.

I feel you should think long and hard about whether you want to stay in a relationship with BF.

I get where you're coming from OP, my family live 2 hours away and when i go to see them i give DH the option to come or not, mostly he does but not always....however if im going to see freinds and family them i dont invite him (for the same reasons you say) and hes not bothered!
How long are you going home for at Christmas? , i think if its more than a couple of days that would be a bit unfair, could he join you later?

Tough one this OP ..you both sound like your a bit mismatched to me, I remember when me and my now husband got together the first thing anyone said was how we couldnt be apart! And we really couldn;t! We were all for each other where one was the other was....Is this relationship really right for you ? You sound a really strong independant woman and thats brilliant but if he is really the one maybe you have to bend a bit? I dont mean to be rude but he sounds a bit more invested in you than you do him..

Sorry but your being massively unreasonable and very selfish. You are making unilateral decisions about Christmas and that is not how a relationship is supposed to work

YANBU for wanting to visit family on your own, but YABU to abandon him and do so at Christmas.
I work in retail and can’t Get xmas off, DH is off for the whole xmas period. Every year i tell him i’ll be fine if he wan’t to head up north and spend a few days with family. For the past 8 years he has not taken me up on it as he doesn’t want me to be alone for christmas.

I shocked at people telling you you are being unreasonable . This is one I think that definitely requires a vote, I think it will divide people. Personally I was coming on to say yanbu and run for the hills!!

Look this can never work, you sound like a sociable person, he sounds like recluse, a fun sponge and a pain in the ass, he will drag you down, bore you and make you feel guilty when you have no reason to, gaslight you are too different. You will lose friends, be bored and resent him, go while the going is good

How does your BF get on with your parents and friends on the couple of occasions when he has met them? I get that you like to spend some along time with them, but it seems a bit unkind that you aren’t willing to share them with him at least once a year!
He does sound quite insular.. how do you get on with his family? Is it tricky? Can you see why he might not like spending time with them? Could be learned behaviour over time.

I think after only a few years together, you should want to spend Christmas together. If you don't, it probably means he isn't very important to you and that isn't the basis of a good relationship.
I'd leave, and hopefully you can meet some you want to spend Christmas with, and he can meet someone who wants to spend it with him.

Yabu. Yes to visiting solo at other times of the year, but abandoning your other half at Christmas is a bit much.

I agree you are very mismatched. Nothing wrong with him or his way of doing things, many people would love being the absolute centre and focus of someone's time and energy. You really shouldnt expect him to suddenly change to being a super social person for you. But nothing wrong with yours either. Doesnt mean it cant work but it will need thought and care. At 2-3 times a year he compromises and you go solo, But Christmas is when you compromise.

So is there anything stopping him from visiting his friends and family over Christmas other than he doesn't feel like it? If he had to work over the Christmas period I would feel bad about leaving him, otherwise I don't see it as being an issue. Two years into a relationship is still relatively early days imo. Ten years into my relationship with DP, I still encourage him to go visit his Mum and friends on his own sometimes.

I get your point OP. Sorry if you've already made it clear but do you mean visiting your friends for Christmas (I.e. Christmas day) or just around the Christmas period? If the latter then that's fine. Of course you want to spend time with your friends without DP by your side!

YABU. I can't see why you wouldn't take him near Christmas and just go alone the rest of the year. I possibly would be feeling a bit like him, that you want to keep me away from your family and friends.

I can see both sides. I'd be like you for normal trips though and would go alone. Christmas is a bit different though. What will he to over xmas if you do go away?

How on earth did you two manage to end up together? You sound very incompatible.

Well you don't want to include him in any of your family time including Christmas! That speaks volumes and from your post it's clear you think he's a loser. Honestly the kindest thing to do would be to break up with him so you can both go on to find someone better suited.

is it possible that he come with you for 2-3days over Christmas, so you have time with him and your family, and then he travels back and u stay for another few days so you can catch with friends??

I totally get what you mean. My DH and I met very young at university but parents lived four hours apart so it was in no way expected we’d spend Christmas together at that age and stage. Fast forward ten years and we basically stuck to doing Christmas separately until we were married last year., mainly because I loved being able to fully concentrate on my family and local friends when I was there. We would take it in turns to go visit the other parents either before or after Christmas, plus 2-3 other times per year (we don’t live near either of them).

Now we’re married we do Christmas together, but all other trips are kind of optional depending on what’s on. I think if you go see your family without him at other times it’s reasonable to let him visit at Christmas - can you suggest he comes before/after rather than on the day so you still get some alone time with your family?

He's still very needy of your attention OP & sounds quite unpleasant to you when he's not getting it. The early years of a relationship are when we start to get to know more about the person other than that we had a physical attraction towards them & often as we get to know them we discover that yeah, actually, I'm not really that keen on them. No-one's fault usually, just a level of incompatibility that matters more than the attraction. The real problem is when we keep banging away at it & jumping through hoops for the sake of an initial attraction that will be waning anyway & only has a small role in the overall relationship.
You can eventually hammer a square peg into a round hole but by the time you've done it the peg is neither still square nor the hole still round, both end up just a mangled mess.

I think he sounds too clingy and reliant on you, which is a problem generally. You should be allowed to visit family alone etc... A two year relationship is not that long.

BUT if you are living together and partners, then you should be including him in major events like Xmas etc... I think it is mean to desert him at Xmas - why can’t he meet up with the partners of your mates when the girls go off. He can stay in and binge on Netflix or read if you go out with your mum. But you can also spend time together over the break if he comes with you.

I suspect you want to ditch him at Xmas because you feel suffocated the rest of the year and are viewing it as an escape. Which is not right. You need to deal with these issues so you have breathing room, but can be together when it counts like over the holidays. Are you really that compatible ? I’m not sure your relationship has legs if you’re looking to escape him.

I can see both sides, but if you're living with someone, you should want to spend Christmas with them. The fact that you don't, leads me to think that you're not really that into him. I don't believe you do love him, truly. You might care about him, but then why wouldn't you want to spend time with him, when you know it upsets him?

You're not compatible, so the kindest thing to do, is to split up, so he can find someone who does want to be with him. And then you, can also find someone you are compatible with. But do know this; in relationships, you are a team, and it's generally considered the norm, to spend times like Christmas together, either alone with just the 2 of you, or visiting your families together.