I’ll keep this as short as I can, bear with me though!
When I was in my early 20s about 12 years ago I had a reasonably brief but intense relationship with someone who lived in another city from me. He was a fair bit older than me but quite fragile and emotionally immature. After a while it fizzled out and for a few reasons we just stopped calling each other although there was no big fall out. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I tried to contact him but got no response, deleted his number and decided to have a termination which I did. I am comfortable that it was the right thing to do but am not comfortable I tried hard enough to contact him and feel like I should have maybe left more messages (as it was I think I just left a few missed calls and some texts asking him to get in touch). He rang me a few weeks later, late at night after I’d had a drink and I just blurted it out over the phone that I’d been pregnant and had an abortion. He ended the call quite quickly saying he’d call back but never did and I never pursued making contact again.
I always assumed he probably thought I was lying to try and get him back or something but my behaviour over the whole situation is something that has bothered me over the years. He had a pretty distinctive name and I have (I know, I know!) occasionally over the years had a bit of a social media stalk to see how he was getting on - I don’t really know why and have never had any desire to make contact but I always thought his life may be difficult. Anyway, I did the same recently and found out that he died at the start of the year apparently through suicide and I am struggling with a lot of guilt. I am trying to tell myself it is nothing to do with me, I mean it was over a decade ago but I can’t help but think my actions may have made his life difficult or somehow contributed to his decision to end his life which I am struggling to process. AIBU to struggle with this?